MetabolicTrash
Member
I've always felt like I never developed a solid identity or personality -- more so I am just fragmented pieces over time that I try and ascribe as traits, but much so on a shaky foundation.
I think one key player in my possible (near) chronic stresses is that I have no handle on my identity, purpose, being, etc. Who am I? What should I do? It doesn't just "stick out" to me. Sure, I can know what I like and so on, but it being so broken up and various given poor health, serotonin, and just generally versatile physiological states over time that have broken up the idea of any "wholeness." Of course coupling this was a less than ideal growing environment in some ways and you have some sense of an incomplete identity.
How should you act when you've almost always refrained in some way who you are? Or "being yourself" has gotten you poor treatment in return? We want to just be, but sometimes we're encouraged to "mold" ourselves to things around us for our own sanctity and the sanctity of others -- but it can get out of hand over time. Who do you become when you live solely as an appeasement to others? And how do you gripe with this when situations and contexts do not present themselves for you to grow and develop?
I can't get a new line of development options unless there exists opportunities to do so that seem fitting. For example, I can't go back to being 12 literally and make friends or such that I never had then. It's not quite the same to try just and seek what are some of the things you may have missed developmentally (like the type of environment, nourishment, people around you and other circumstances).
In a way I have sunk in and out of a world of fantasy -- or living through a sense of others. I guess I really realize that living through others is just showing what you yourself may be lacking of, but the problem is how you obtain what you wish that you see in others. It's hard to just "let loose and do" when you're not of any specific idea of what "let loose" means given your sense of self and identity.
I mean I could go and start juggling fruit and rapping at the same time (could learn possibly), but then I'd think at the end of the day, am I "that" person? Should I visualize my tasks as a part of me intrinsically that I might subject myself to judgment or criticizing over -- or do I just try and do and not worry?
I don't want to be gradually turned in to an emotionally dead, depressed and reckless form of emptiness -- but I don't know really what I am so far as a deeper form of understand of my personality,
I've heard of borderline personality disorder, but nowadays I see illnesses differently than before due to my learning of physiological processes and other such matters as per learning of Peat and etc.
I mean I have not literally done the "Peat protocol" to a fine line since things can of course be individual, but perhaps this blends with more than just physiological state but an "underdevelopment" in a sense -- something outside that is missing in-line with my whole sense of being and understanding. Like imagine you had to pick your friends, but didn't know who you were or were like an empty shell. What would you like truly if you are unsure of who or what you are/were/should be/want to be? It's easy to say, "I like so and so or etc.," but now imagine what you like if you didn't have any gripe with who you were -- like from a blank slate as if you had your memory "wiped" in a sense. It's kind of like a need to re-live or re-learn, but a problematic measure in that you have some fears over how to approach a method through which you fully develop who you are.
Maybe this is just a sign of lots of stress and not enough neurosteroids, compromised hormones, etc.?
Kind of might ring some bells for physiological or metabolic problems, but the thing is that I'm sure there's likely no magic pill -- but of course I'll continue to try and understand this "disconnect" metabolically and through a generally relevant Peat-ish prism of sorts since anything else would likely revert to psychology which is just a whole another can of worms/dead end likely.
Like Peat says experiences can form who we are/become. What if our experiences don't constitute a sufficient sense of self/identity?
I think one key player in my possible (near) chronic stresses is that I have no handle on my identity, purpose, being, etc. Who am I? What should I do? It doesn't just "stick out" to me. Sure, I can know what I like and so on, but it being so broken up and various given poor health, serotonin, and just generally versatile physiological states over time that have broken up the idea of any "wholeness." Of course coupling this was a less than ideal growing environment in some ways and you have some sense of an incomplete identity.
How should you act when you've almost always refrained in some way who you are? Or "being yourself" has gotten you poor treatment in return? We want to just be, but sometimes we're encouraged to "mold" ourselves to things around us for our own sanctity and the sanctity of others -- but it can get out of hand over time. Who do you become when you live solely as an appeasement to others? And how do you gripe with this when situations and contexts do not present themselves for you to grow and develop?
I can't get a new line of development options unless there exists opportunities to do so that seem fitting. For example, I can't go back to being 12 literally and make friends or such that I never had then. It's not quite the same to try just and seek what are some of the things you may have missed developmentally (like the type of environment, nourishment, people around you and other circumstances).
In a way I have sunk in and out of a world of fantasy -- or living through a sense of others. I guess I really realize that living through others is just showing what you yourself may be lacking of, but the problem is how you obtain what you wish that you see in others. It's hard to just "let loose and do" when you're not of any specific idea of what "let loose" means given your sense of self and identity.
I mean I could go and start juggling fruit and rapping at the same time (could learn possibly), but then I'd think at the end of the day, am I "that" person? Should I visualize my tasks as a part of me intrinsically that I might subject myself to judgment or criticizing over -- or do I just try and do and not worry?
I don't want to be gradually turned in to an emotionally dead, depressed and reckless form of emptiness -- but I don't know really what I am so far as a deeper form of understand of my personality,
I've heard of borderline personality disorder, but nowadays I see illnesses differently than before due to my learning of physiological processes and other such matters as per learning of Peat and etc.
I mean I have not literally done the "Peat protocol" to a fine line since things can of course be individual, but perhaps this blends with more than just physiological state but an "underdevelopment" in a sense -- something outside that is missing in-line with my whole sense of being and understanding. Like imagine you had to pick your friends, but didn't know who you were or were like an empty shell. What would you like truly if you are unsure of who or what you are/were/should be/want to be? It's easy to say, "I like so and so or etc.," but now imagine what you like if you didn't have any gripe with who you were -- like from a blank slate as if you had your memory "wiped" in a sense. It's kind of like a need to re-live or re-learn, but a problematic measure in that you have some fears over how to approach a method through which you fully develop who you are.
Maybe this is just a sign of lots of stress and not enough neurosteroids, compromised hormones, etc.?
Kind of might ring some bells for physiological or metabolic problems, but the thing is that I'm sure there's likely no magic pill -- but of course I'll continue to try and understand this "disconnect" metabolically and through a generally relevant Peat-ish prism of sorts since anything else would likely revert to psychology which is just a whole another can of worms/dead end likely.
Like Peat says experiences can form who we are/become. What if our experiences don't constitute a sufficient sense of self/identity?