LUH 3417
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- Oct 22, 2016
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I have something for you in bold at the end, if you're interested and don't want to read all this skip to that. It's the same process I would use on myself and I am going to be doing it after I write it up for you. It helps me as much as it has helped other people I've done it with, and I hope it can be of some use to you. If not then that's okay to, not everyone wants to try it.
I've obsessed for years about 4 teeth I had extracted, my wisdom teeth. I have before and after pictures several years apart: before removal and after removal, and I am 100% convinced I looked much more masculine prior to my wisdom tooth removal. I can get the desexualizing thing completely. I think being seen as a man/woman is very important for our identities and any assaults against our manhood/womanhood are taken very seriously and can take a real toll on the psyche. I'm really sorry you had those teeth extracted and I can empathize with the pain it's caused you.
I read a lot about Dr. Mew's work, and devices like the Homeoblock. It all gets very expensive, and as far as what you can do at home, the only thing I'm aware of is tongue posture (suck your tongue into the back of your mouth, then let it rest on the roof of your mouth, tip of the tongue slightly behind the front teeth) -- with enough work it should re-enable nasal breathing with the mouth closed, and over time can remodel facial structure.
I don't trust any doctors really. There are people who practice "orthotropics," and in your case, if you have the money and the time to do the research and find a genuine person who wants to help, it may be worth looking into. There are orthotropic devices similar to orthodontics but aimed at expanding the palate, widening the airways, promoting nasal breathing with a closed mouth, etc.
For me, I feel like the wisdom tooth extractions, which I did not need, ruined my face, and I get extremely depressed and upset about it if I think too much on it. But as I was saying earlier, the acceptance thing is huge. I did have the good experience of having a girlfriend and we completely loved and accepted each other and were very aroused by each other.
It's funny how while the damage is "real," it can feel much less significant if you really get it lodged in your head that someone finds you extremely attractive/arousing, and you feel really feminine/masculine.
I've gone back and forth on having work done and I don't think I'll ever do it. It's too expensive for me, and even with free things like foreskin "restoration," I just gave up after a while. I did do it enough to get the benefit of having enough slack skin so erections are not uncomfortable anymore, which was huge for me, but I stopped there. They make other things you can use over time to help de-keratinize the glans and make it more sensitive, but I don't want to go the rest of my life effectively wearing a condom every day. I've just accepted that I was circumcised and I have what I have.
My last relationship felt so validating, it really helped me with these body image issues. My ex also had severe body dysmorphic disorder, and while I thought she was absolutely beautiful, and I loved having sex with her and found her really hot, no matter how much I told her this she would always fall back to thinking she was ugly, unattractive, and occasionally that would affect the sex we would have, with her feeling uncomfortable and not being able to let go and enjoy anything because she thought her facial expressions were ugly, or she looked stupid, etc.
Validation can go a very long way. And trust me, I get it: I've lost a lot of sleep over my facial changes post-tooth extraction, as well as having been circumcised. The depression over them has come and gone so many times.
But despite my face having changed and my circumcision, when I've experienced really great sex in the context of being in a relationship with someone I love, everything felt so much better.
We all crave validation, but for me, it only really helped when I was in a relationship with my last (and only) girlfriend. My body image issues aren't as bad as hers but a lot of times I'd be very hard on myself for how I looked. Having reassurance and love/acceptance made every bit of difference in the world.
So for you: if you imagine your teeth having been extracted, and the pain you feel over it, how do you know it's there? Where do you feel it in your body? How intense is it, on a scale of 1 to 10? Notice this. Feel the pain and recognize how you feel it. A tightness in your chest maybe, a sinking feeling in your stomach, your heart, wherever. Notice any images that come into your mind. Sounds. Something someone said, something you're saying to yourself. Sit back and see what comes to your mind.
Got it? Okay. Now I want you to answer this question: what happens when you're holding a bunch of helium balloons and let them go? That's right: they float away. I want you to tap between your eyes now and repeat after me as you tap:
It's safe for me to let it go. All this pain, all this sadness, whatever it means, wherever it comes from, it's okay to let it go. I've been holding onto this for a very long time. I'm really familiar with it, like it's an old friend. And a part of me might even be scared to let it go. But I'm okay. I'm still me. I'm here right now, and it's okay to let it go.
Tap the side of the head: I'm okay as I let it go. Let it go. It's safe to let it go.
Tap below the eye: Let it go. Let it go.
Tap the collar bone: I'm okay as I let it go. It's safe for me to just let it all go.
Now grab your wrist, take a deep breath, and say "Peace."
Just close your eyes and relax. Now go back and think about what was bothering you: how much is it affecting you, on a scale of 1 to 10? Is it more than before? Less? How do you know? What are you feeling in your body, what are you seeing in your mind? Notice it, and repeat the tapping process.
Once you've done this for a while and the emotional intensity is lowered, I want you to imagine a time you felt completely loved and accepted, beautiful, feminine, sexy, alive -- anything you imagine to feel good, any self-image memory that makes you feel good about yourself.
Does it feel good? Or do you notice something coming in and making the good memory feel bad? If you notice something coming in and making you feel bad, repeat the process: how do you know? What is it you're feeling, and seeing in your mind? Do the tapping process all over again on these things, all the bits and pieces, Keep repeating until you the emotional intensity is lowered, and then think about a really positive experience you've had that made you feel good about yourself. Eventually you will be able to think back on these good memories, or even fantasies, and simply relax in them and enjoy them. As you think about these things that make you feel good, and before you open your eyes, grab your wrist, take a deep breath, blow it out, and say "Peace."
There are many videos on this, but that's one of the simplest and one of my favorites.
You have my empathy and sympathy. I sincerely hope you feel better. I will be working on myself as well to do my best to feel better. Thanks for sharing your experience, and please know you're not alone in this.
Thank you, this is really helpful and it does feel like an immediate weight has been lifted. I really appreciate you taking the time to share this.
I believe sex to be an expression of the most intimate and unconscious parts of ourselves and it has the potential to heal or hurt us depending on the dynamic. I notice that when I start to obsess about my teeth, or other events related to periods of my life when I was an actual helpless victim, a child subjected to the whims of adults and their decisions, I am usually not being real with myself about the ways I am being helpless right now. It’s like a safe haven, to allow myself to direct my negative feelings towards what happened in the past, rather than dealing with the objective now and how I am allowing myself to be a child in an adults body. It’s dangerous, but the difference is now I have the ability to protect myself, and the responsibility is on ME.