pro marker
Member
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2020
- Messages
- 240
ever since i was a kid i have been an outsider amongst outsiders. ive never had friends and ive missed out on my youth and wasted my entire life so far. i am very intelligent and artistic but also autistic and socially retarded. ive never had a friend and when i speak to people my age its clear i am extremely far behind. i might be 10 times smarter than them and more mature in my way of thinking but i dont know how to even hold a conversation.
after quitting school in 10th grade i have done nothing with my life. ive always had great dreams and aspirations but severe depression from 1st grade and every health problem imaginable has made those dreams unnatainable. 2 years ago i started my health journey and i have made an unbelievable recovery to where i am now cured of chronic fatigue and most issues. but as i am desperately trying to get up on my feet everybody else has already been walking for 10 years, and life moves on. at this pace, i will never catch up.
one of my autistic behaviours is that i am extremely objective about everything. this alienates me from my peers. being biased and tribalistic is just human nature and i feel like normies doent even look at me as a human. sure i can force my self to constantly signal my virtues in every single sentence and speak politically correct when i have to, but i just cant shake off my robot like objective world view. and god damn virtue-signaling makes me wanna tear my eyes out. but if you dont then they will assume the worst about you. whenever i meet someone with a similar interest to me i have to pretend im as biased as them because if i don't then im "not on their side".
this is actually the reason why i took an interest in ray peat, i can recognize myself in the way he thinks. he takes no sides, listens to no authority, and makes an effort to pursue the objective truth.
its just so damn hard to be young now. i don't need to tell you about how horrible to world is right now, but its VERY hard when you're young. i feel like a jew walking around without my armband on hoping to not get caught. its not enough to not say the wrong things anymore, you practically have to scream out your politically correct opinions 24/7 in order to not get executed.
an article i saw today: "why have fashion brands been so quiet on x political event?"
this is straight-up tyrrany. nobody is safe anymore.
my girlfriend has many thousands of followers online and her dm´s are filled with random strangers asking her why she isn't commenting on current events or calling her a racist for never addressing racist issues. She's posting just pictures of her ******* sewing projects... people are not just virtue signaling anymore, they are going out of their way to fulfill their duties even when nobody is watching. being young is supposed to be all about expressing yourself. take that away and then what are you supposed to do?
after 23 years of every single possible thing going wrong, my learned helplessness feels uncurable. i keep telling myself that if just one nice thing would happen then maybe i could get the motivation to break out of this hell, but with the only person who even knows i exist being my gf, its unlikely that any miracle is going to happen. i keep mindlessly self-improving in order to avoid insanity but even if I could magically get my testosterone through the roof and reach metabolic euphoria I would still not know how to talk to someone without creeping them out. im sorry if this ended up just being me whining about everything but i just need someone who has been in a similar situation to guide me. how can one break out of life long learned helplessness? how can i catch up on all these years of missed social development? everyone is taught from a young age to exclude people like me. every day is just the same. i feel like the world is a big house party and im oustide looking in the window at all the people dancing and laughing.
and even if 15 years from now i end up with a loving family, lots of money, a great home in the country side, my own chickens and fresh milk every day... the thought of growing old without ever experiencing what its like to be young is just so painfull.
people my age are now settling down, getting kids etc... how could i possibly become a good father for my chirldren if i dont go through the experiences that young people are supposed to? life is learned by trial and error.
right now im considering just going to africa to get as far away from all this bull**** as possible. surely they havent been touched by this plague yet?
after quitting school in 10th grade i have done nothing with my life. ive always had great dreams and aspirations but severe depression from 1st grade and every health problem imaginable has made those dreams unnatainable. 2 years ago i started my health journey and i have made an unbelievable recovery to where i am now cured of chronic fatigue and most issues. but as i am desperately trying to get up on my feet everybody else has already been walking for 10 years, and life moves on. at this pace, i will never catch up.
one of my autistic behaviours is that i am extremely objective about everything. this alienates me from my peers. being biased and tribalistic is just human nature and i feel like normies doent even look at me as a human. sure i can force my self to constantly signal my virtues in every single sentence and speak politically correct when i have to, but i just cant shake off my robot like objective world view. and god damn virtue-signaling makes me wanna tear my eyes out. but if you dont then they will assume the worst about you. whenever i meet someone with a similar interest to me i have to pretend im as biased as them because if i don't then im "not on their side".
this is actually the reason why i took an interest in ray peat, i can recognize myself in the way he thinks. he takes no sides, listens to no authority, and makes an effort to pursue the objective truth.
its just so damn hard to be young now. i don't need to tell you about how horrible to world is right now, but its VERY hard when you're young. i feel like a jew walking around without my armband on hoping to not get caught. its not enough to not say the wrong things anymore, you practically have to scream out your politically correct opinions 24/7 in order to not get executed.
an article i saw today: "why have fashion brands been so quiet on x political event?"
this is straight-up tyrrany. nobody is safe anymore.
my girlfriend has many thousands of followers online and her dm´s are filled with random strangers asking her why she isn't commenting on current events or calling her a racist for never addressing racist issues. She's posting just pictures of her ******* sewing projects... people are not just virtue signaling anymore, they are going out of their way to fulfill their duties even when nobody is watching. being young is supposed to be all about expressing yourself. take that away and then what are you supposed to do?
after 23 years of every single possible thing going wrong, my learned helplessness feels uncurable. i keep telling myself that if just one nice thing would happen then maybe i could get the motivation to break out of this hell, but with the only person who even knows i exist being my gf, its unlikely that any miracle is going to happen. i keep mindlessly self-improving in order to avoid insanity but even if I could magically get my testosterone through the roof and reach metabolic euphoria I would still not know how to talk to someone without creeping them out. im sorry if this ended up just being me whining about everything but i just need someone who has been in a similar situation to guide me. how can one break out of life long learned helplessness? how can i catch up on all these years of missed social development? everyone is taught from a young age to exclude people like me. every day is just the same. i feel like the world is a big house party and im oustide looking in the window at all the people dancing and laughing.
and even if 15 years from now i end up with a loving family, lots of money, a great home in the country side, my own chickens and fresh milk every day... the thought of growing old without ever experiencing what its like to be young is just so painfull.
people my age are now settling down, getting kids etc... how could i possibly become a good father for my chirldren if i dont go through the experiences that young people are supposed to? life is learned by trial and error.
right now im considering just going to africa to get as far away from all this bull**** as possible. surely they havent been touched by this plague yet?