skittles
Member
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2013
- Messages
- 141
Man, I get what you're saying, and I do believe the same.
But listen to my perspective. Plenty of regular men / guys without a grandiose life who do quite fine in their dating / sex life, simply because they're confident enough, have basic social skills. have no anxiety and all that.
I feel like I underperform at this chapter in my life.
This endless pursuit of purpose and being a high-achiever has its role, but it's not needed for a healthy sexual and dating life. Thinking it's needed only creates more roadblocks and limiting beliefs.
I'm not talking about being a high achiever so much as finding out who you are, and putting your focus into what truly matters in your life. You don't need to be jacked or making a lot of money, you don't need to be at the top of your field of interest or anything like that, you just need to discover who you are. This is where confidence resides. Find where you stand, set boundaries, and stay firm. Guys who are confident with women aren't shaken by what women think of them, simply because they know who they are, and women can take it or leave it.
How's your non-sexual social life? Do you have good friends? I think having a group of a few good friends is really important. When you already have people who love and accept you, no matter how silly or dorky you may be, it becomes a little clearer - it doesn't matter if a girl rejects you, because you know people who /do/ care about you. Y'dig? If you don't have some close friends, I really think that cultivating some friendships should take priority over anything relating to women. By the way, where are you finding these girls? Dating apps? I bet there are girls who are much more receptive to you just on the outskirts of your immediate circle.
You've already noticed some things about yourself that you wanna change or improve upon. If you don't feel worthy, you need to adjust your state of mind. It sounds like you struggle to let loose and have fun. The internet is not where fun is. Don't be so afraid of the world - go to the movies, go play pool or air hockey or Frisbee with a friend or something, build something. Do something a little tiny bit outside your comfort zone.
You have difficulty expressing yourself dynamically. I was like this too. This sounds embarrassingly silly, but I used to listen to a podcast hosted by a very dynamic dude and sometimes I'd listen to the podcast and shadow his words while looking into a mirror. I'd flap my mouth and gesture with my hands and try to match his vocal expressions with my face. I think it really helped - the next time I was out with friends, I noticed I was expressing myself more with my hands. The most important thing is recognizing it and making the effort to improve on it.
If you've got a few negative experiences under your belt of being walked all over in social situations or if one too many people told you to shut your mouth or stop being so weird as a kid, a lot of people will hold onto that burden for a lifetime. But, if you actively try to be a little more dynamic and fun, it'll start to come naturally. If your friends aren't fun, be a leader, and try to get them out of their shell. Or meet new friends, and make an effort to spend time with them.
Don't worry about the stutter thing. I've had a friend like that for a long time, and he was really self conscious about it all his life, cuz his parents and his brother would always poke fun at him for it. But frankly all his friends, myself included, found it endearing. All his girlfriends over the years found it cute.
Having an athletic body, and being dynamically expressive, and not having a stutter certainly puts someone at an advantage. But real confidence comes from within, from knowing who you really are. That's all I'm saying.
In the end, some girls aren't gonna like you, and you can't take it to heart. As you come more into alignment with yourself, you'll find girls who do.