Suicide of spouse yesterday

[PeatyParty]

Married 26 years to husband. Now what? So lost. Any advice? Of course blame myself - happened 10 min after our phone conversation when I told him no hope in continuing marriage. Unfortunately, I did want to continue the marriage but needed some space. He had disappointed me once again and I lashed out and said things I didn’t really mean. The guilt is engulfing.

Looking for tips on how to move forward, books, groups, etc. Don’t know where to start and I don’t want to fall into depression. I’ve had lots of kind words from family members/friends. They been supportive but I would like to prevent falling into a deep pit of despair. Thanks

 

[JamesGatz]

Very sorry to hear that - for future references - Guys don't tend to read in between the lines like the way women do so they tend to take things more in the literal sense

My Condolences

 

[ecstatichamster]

very very sorry. It isn't your fault. It just isn't.

 

[Peatful]

Married 26 years to husband. Now what? So lost. Any advice? Of course blame myself - happened 10 min after our phone conversation when I told him no hope in continuing marriage. Unfortunately, I did want to continue the marriage but needed some space. He had disappointed me once again and I lashed out and said things I didn’t really mean. The guilt is engulfing.

Looking for tips on how to move forward, books, groups, etc. Don’t know where to start and I don’t want to fall into depression. I’ve had lots of kind words from family members/friends. They been supportive but I would like to prevent falling into a deep pit of despair. Thanks

Oh.
Im so sorry.

Grieve.
Grieve and grieve.
If you don’t now- you will pay for it later.

A support group is a wonderful idea in time. As long as it’s a healthy group or facilitated by a knowledgeable leader.

You have full permission to be angry too; which is an important part of the grieving process.

Reach out anytime.

As said above: indeed, It wasn’t your fault.

 

[BlackMolasses]

it's not your fault

 

[ilovethesea]

I am so sorry. I can’t imagine your situation, but I wanted to let you know that the guilt feeling is normal with death under any circumstance. When we lost a family member a few years ago the hospital chaplain told us that she didn’t know a single family that didn’t have immediate feelings of guilt and wish they did things differently. She said you need to remind yourself that the person lived life on their own terms and did what they wanted to do.

Some extra thyroid and cypro can be really helpful in times like these.

 

[ilovethesea]

Also this thread I found helpful at the time My Father Recently Passed -- Advise On Healing
Especially this:

Ray Peat on losing loved ones

" It activates the “helplessness” reactions in the body, stress weakening your own life, and I think it can help to get out of that if you think of your life as a continuation of theirs—the same life, though with fewer bodies. "

 

[LeeLemonoil]

Thanks for trusting us - this Forum - with this incredibly painful situation. I mean it.

It’s inevitable to feel some sort of guilt.

It’s also absolutely „legit“ to not wanting to fall into a depression.

That polarity needs to be on your conscious all the time.

Heartfelt condolences.

 

[Old Irenaeus]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I second what @Peatful said. Allow yourself to feel what you feel.

 

[area51puy]

90 percent of depression is caused by a stressful event, and I can only imagine how hard this would be, first off it will take time, but it will get better slowly.

Since a stressful event cause depression is taking steps to keep it from snowballing into chronic stress. So luckily you are apart of this community and try to focus on metabolic health, keeping stress and serotonin down.

Emodin Prevented Depression in Chronic Unpredicted Mild Stress-Exposed Rats by Targeting miR-139-5p/5-Lipoxygenase

BackgroundThe use of medicinal plant ingredients is one of the goals of developing potential drugs for treating depression. Compelling evidence suggests that anti-inflammatory medicines may block the occurrence of depression. We studied the effect of a natural compound, emodin, on the...

www.frontiersin.org

Emodin Prevented Depression in Chronic Unpredicted Mild Stress-Exposed Rats by Targeting miR-139-5p/5-Lipoxygenase​

Results: Hippocampal inflammation with up-regulated 5-lipoxygenase (5-LO) was observed in the depressed rats after CUMS exposure. The upregulation of 5-LO was caused by decreased miR-139-5p. To observe the effect of emodin, we screened out depression-susceptible (DeS) rats during CUMS and treated them with emodin (80 mg/kg/day). Two weeks later, emodin prevented the depression behaviors in DeS rats along with a series of pathological changes in their hippocampi, such as loss of neurons and spines, microglial activation, increased interleukin-1β and tumor necrosis factor-α, and the activation of 5-LO. Furthermore, we demonstrated that emodin inhibited its excess inflammatory response, possibly by targeting miR-139-5p/5-LO and modulating glycogen synthase kinase 3β and nuclear factor erythroid 2-related factor 2.

Conclusion: These results provide important evidence that emodin may be a candidate agent for the treatment of depression and established a key role of miR-139-5p/5-LO in the inflammation of depression.



So the next few months will be tough but emodin may help the stress from getting out of control and may be a one tool to help you recover sooner.

 

[TheCedar1]

happened 10 min after our phone conversation when I told him no hope in continuing marriage. Unfortunately, I did want to continue the marriage but needed some space.

You should have just told him that you just needed some space instead of saying that there was no hope in your marriage, that probably drove him to suicide. I'm sorry for your loss still, it's a tragedy that has happened today

 

[Elie]

You should have just told him that you just needed some space instead of saying that there was no hope in your marriage, that probably drove him to suicide. I'm sorry for your loss still, it's a tragedy that has happened today

you got to be careful with blaming.
Different people react differently to different "stressors" and the will to commit suicide was his choice and was based on his perception of his situation.
Resorting to suicide is quite rare and I would expect there were some underlying factors in his biology and psychology.

 

[Elie]

Married 26 years to husband. Now what? So lost. Any advice? Of course blame myself - happened 10 min after our phone conversation when I told him no hope in continuing marriage. Unfortunately, I did want to continue the marriage but needed some space. He had disappointed me once again and I lashed out and said things I didn’t really mean. The guilt is engulfing.

Looking for tips on how to move forward, books, groups, etc. Don’t know where to start and I don’t want to fall into depression. I’ve had lots of kind words from family members/friends. They been supportive but I would like to prevent falling into a deep pit of despair. Thanks

I am so sorry for your predicament.
you will need to find an experienced therapist to work things through. Likely someone with a strong spiritual foundation,

 

[TheCedar1]

you got to be careful with blaming.
Different people react differently to different "stressors" and the will to commit suicide was his choice and was based on his perception of his situation.
Resorting to suicide is quite rare and I would expect there were some underlying factors in his biology and psychology.

I'm not blaming her, obviously she could have never predicted this tragedy, I agree with you, he must have been stressed by something, and hearing that call could have been a catalyst to his problems

 

[Jerkboy]

My condolences.

In my experience you cannot control someone else's actions. Nobody put the rope (figuratively) around his neck but himself. He is a grown man.

I think some men can't live without their woman. I understand if you are used to living like that. But every man should be able to live on their own.

Perhaps there were underlying mental issues underneath.

That said, I have had experiences with bad mental health and sometimes suicide can seem the only way out. Which is a lie by your mind. But still, I can understand why people submit under it. May he rest in peace.

 

[Blossom]

My sincere condolences @PeatyParty.

 

[Peachy]

I’m so sorry. I had a friend who this happened to and I’d be happy to put you in touch if it would help. I could also see what she did to navigate the pain and message you directly. She knew it wasn’t her fault. But it was a journey.

 

[Thalgo]

The suicide was a strategy he chose to use to try and fullfill his need for companionship and love. Ultimately it was his choice to use that specific way of expressing his needs.

It's sad that he was willing to go to such an extreme, and unnecessary action, since there were hundreds of other actions he could have undertaken first that would actually stand a chance of getting him what he needed.

He could have bought flowers, he could have read books about marriage and communication, he could have taken advice from people with long-standing successful marriages, he could have done a million different things.

Now you will have to take this burden until you are able to come to peace with yourself. This will happen, but it will take some time.

It may be helpful to journal about your thoughts and feelings and then destroy the journal -- knowing that you will destroy it afterwards will free you to write.

 

[ChadGPT]

I’m sorry for your loss but please don’t blame yourself. You aren’t responsible for his actions. If he committed suicide 10 minutes after you said something in the heat of the moment, he obviously had way deeper problems. It was just an excuse and there was no direct causation.

 

[i_nomad]

very very sorry. It isn't your fault. It just isn't.

Nope. I hate that people default to this for situations like this.

The bulk of the blame is on him, but she needs to face her position, too… exactly as she is doing. Let her face it and grow and learn. Don’t rob her of that.

I’m terribly sorry for your loss, OP. It’s important to process this while it’s fresh so you can properly grieve.