GelatinGoblin
Member
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2020
- Messages
- 798
I have been awake for 34 hours. It is 5:00 AM now.
Woke up at 7:00 PM before yesterday. Did necessary stuff then I went to bed at 3:00 AM yesterday. I did not sleep. Got up from bed at 11:00 AM. Family gathering real fun driving across my country flash to 11:00 PM yesterday. Dead tired. I did not sleep. Went to bed at 3:00 AM today. I did not sleep. Masturbated and came to porn an hour ago. I feel as if I commited physical and spiritual suicide. I was so lost this night... Everything felt surrealistic almost as if I had Schizophrenia or Paranoia. My life is a tale of confusion for me. Everything does not make sense for me. How am I supposed to finish my education? How am I supposed to enlist in the army? What the hell are these people I see online? So I masturbated after a long abstinence of no Orgasm but twice Masturbation with Porn but it was near the start of the streak. It has been a while since those 2. I struggled in the past with masturbation and pornography. I want Chastity now.
I don't want to die, I'm very young. I have closed my heart against Christ and I may have killed myself like Judas. Confusion confusion confusion... I'm in trouble and I need help but only I can help myself. I have no options. I feel weak. How far have I gone? Wow... I have strayed too far out at sea. If I reached shore I don't even know what I would do. I am drifting aimlessly until I succumb to entropy. This is exactly what the "anti-Christ" wants. Wow...
How can this happen? Wow... Life comes down to a choice between order and chaos, life and death, "Negentropy" and Entropy.
I must kill my ego or I will die completely. Fully submit to Christ. Wow... Nothing makes sense.
I am a classic Judas. The thought of this is disturbing. How have I played myself into Biblical axioms. How is Christ so relevent and such an urgent choice?? Death or life. I must choose. I must choose. Please I need input... This is serious... I can't believe it. I really cannot believe this is happening. I have no choice. Life or death so it is life. no option. ****. Why can I not be casual. Wow...
Woke up at 7:00 PM before yesterday. Did necessary stuff then I went to bed at 3:00 AM yesterday. I did not sleep. Got up from bed at 11:00 AM. Family gathering real fun driving across my country flash to 11:00 PM yesterday. Dead tired. I did not sleep. Went to bed at 3:00 AM today. I did not sleep. Masturbated and came to porn an hour ago. I feel as if I commited physical and spiritual suicide. I was so lost this night... Everything felt surrealistic almost as if I had Schizophrenia or Paranoia. My life is a tale of confusion for me. Everything does not make sense for me. How am I supposed to finish my education? How am I supposed to enlist in the army? What the hell are these people I see online? So I masturbated after a long abstinence of no Orgasm but twice Masturbation with Porn but it was near the start of the streak. It has been a while since those 2. I struggled in the past with masturbation and pornography. I want Chastity now.
I don't want to die, I'm very young. I have closed my heart against Christ and I may have killed myself like Judas. Confusion confusion confusion... I'm in trouble and I need help but only I can help myself. I have no options. I feel weak. How far have I gone? Wow... I have strayed too far out at sea. If I reached shore I don't even know what I would do. I am drifting aimlessly until I succumb to entropy. This is exactly what the "anti-Christ" wants. Wow...
How can this happen? Wow... Life comes down to a choice between order and chaos, life and death, "Negentropy" and Entropy.
I must kill my ego or I will die completely. Fully submit to Christ. Wow... Nothing makes sense.
I am a classic Judas. The thought of this is disturbing. How have I played myself into Biblical axioms. How is Christ so relevent and such an urgent choice?? Death or life. I must choose. I must choose. Please I need input... This is serious... I can't believe it. I really cannot believe this is happening. I have no choice. Life or death so it is life. no option. ****. Why can I not be casual. Wow...