I have fallen in love with my foster dog and that is not good...

[Bounce]

Hey,

I'm writing this because I like this forum and I often get really cool answers. But I'm also writing the following for myself, in the hope that I'll become clearer.

Four weeks ago I got a dog. It was my first time as a foster carer. For those who don't know what that is: you have a rescued dog until a family is found to adopt it.

Maia, estimated to be 5, is a French Bulldog, wants to cuddle 24/7, never barks and has a wonderful nature.

I told myself from the start that I would only have her until someone suitable was found for her, but damn, I couldn't have imagined the bond I would build.

I have very little contact with my family and not many social contacts at the moment. I was alone for Christmas. Well, not completely because Maia was with me...

This morning, after meditating, i had an open heart and she was lying in my lap and I imagined that today was the day she would be taken away and it tore my heart apart and I get tears in my eyes again when I think about it.

Now you're asking yourself, why don't I keep her?

Yes, that's the thing. No matter how much my love for her grows, my feeling to keep her remains a no.

I am 36 years old, can work independently. I just want to travel more, attend workshops, be free, maybe move to another apartment (which is much more difficult with a dog in Berlin). Sure, you can always take them to a friend or put them in a dog hotel, but I know myself and I know that I simply wouldn't do many things anymore. It's not just about special events, but about my everyday life, which is very restricted.

Her love is so wonderful, but in the four weeks I've also noticed how it limit me and sometimes makes me lonelier, because I don't do certain things so that she's not alone for so long, etc. I stay home more often.

It's such a difficult decision, people. The institution that placed Maia with me said there will always be a dog that touches me if I want to continue to be a foster home, but I don't think anyone will be like Maia (sounds like an oneitis yeah?).

I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life. A lot of it had to do with abandonment and at any time the call could come that a family has been found for her. I don't know how to cope with that.

Of course I won't die from it, but I have great respect for the moment when her dog basket is no longer here and I'm sitting alone on the sofa again.

Maybe someone has experienced something similar.

Hugs
Johannes

 

[Peatful]

I am literally driving a car, and this is voice recognition, but I was compelled to write


First and foremost you are going to receive so many replies to this thread, and I believe all will be in favor of keeping this dog

If you have this option, give her away for three days to another person to watch

And at the end of the third day, I believe you will have your answer

 

[Bounce]

First and foremost you are going to receive so many replies to this thread, and I believe all will be in favor of keeping this dog

Im hope not . This is what also all of my friends say. But i hope people in this forum also consider my circumstances.

Edit: maybe it was not a good idea to start this thread haha, i think it could make me worry more i notice.

 

[Peatful]

Im hope not . This is what also all of my friends say. But i hope people in this forum also consider my circumstances.

Edit: maybe it was not a good idea, - this thread could make me worry more i notice.

Exactly!

That’s why I wanted to give you something more objective, or pragmatic

 

[Bounce]

Exactly!

That’s why I wanted to give you something more objective, or pragmatic

Thanks buddy. But of course i will miss her after 3 days. The better question is, what will i miss the next 8 years (when she will get 13) regarding traveling, adventures etc.

 

[Peatful]

Thanks buddy. But of course i will miss her after 3 days. The better question is, what will i miss the next 8 years (when she will get 13) regarding traveling, adventures etc.

Is it something that would supersede your love and contentment with her?


By the way, I’m not advocating to keep this dog
I am 1000% neutral

 

[Peatress]

It's good that you have bonded with this dog. However, as you said you want to travel. You cannot travel and have your independence and keep the dog, unless you find someone to take care of him whilst you are away. If that happens then the dog, having attached to you, would have to endure the separation . If you decide to keep the dog and not travel you could end up resenting the dog once the novelty of owning a dog wears off. So, I say if you want to travel do not keep the dog.

 

[Bounce]

It's good that you have bonded with this dog. However, as you said you want to travel. You cannot travel and have your independence and keep the dog, unless you find someone to take care of him whilst you are away. If that happens then the dog, having attached to you, would have to endure the separation . If you decide to keep the dog and not travel you could end up resenting the dog once the novelty of owning a dog wears off. So, I say if you want to travel do not keep the dog.

I appreciate you for that posting. especially the thing with the resentement.

 

[onechoice]

I appreciate you for that posting. especially the thing with the resentement.

good day to you. what is in YOUR heart? not outside world or other people's? only YOU can decide but first you will have to be clear or you may end up resenting your decision and either way that impacts you, the dog and all life as we are all connected. no amount of talk can decide, no thinking or rationalizing or any of that. When YOU get clarity on your life and why you even wanted to foster gets clear then maybe you will absolutely know with certainty. Merry Christmas (late) but never too late.

 

[Rinse & rePeat]

Hey,

I'm writing this because I like this forum and I often get really cool answers. But I'm also writing the following for myself, in the hope that I'll become clearer.

Four weeks ago I got a dog. It was my first time as a foster carer. For those who don't know what that is: you have a rescued dog until a family is found to adopt it.

Maia, estimated to be 5, is a French Bulldog, wants to cuddle 24/7, never barks and has a wonderful nature.

I told myself from the start that I would only have her until someone suitable was found for her, but damn, I couldn't have imagined the bond I would build.

I have very little contact with my family and not many social contacts at the moment. I was alone for Christmas. Well, not completely because Maia was with me...

This morning, after meditating, i had an open heart and she was lying in my lap and I imagined that today was the day she would be taken away and it tore my heart apart and I get tears in my eyes again when I think about it.

Now you're asking yourself, why don't I keep her?

Yes, that's the thing. No matter how much my love for her grows, my feeling to keep her remains a no.

I am 36 years old, can work independently. I just want to travel more, attend workshops, be free, maybe move to another apartment (which is much more difficult with a dog in Berlin). Sure, you can always take them to a friend or put them in a dog hotel, but I know myself and I know that I simply wouldn't do many things anymore. It's not just about special events, but about my everyday life, which is very restricted.

Her love is so wonderful, but in the four weeks I've also noticed how it limit me and sometimes makes me lonelier, because I don't do certain things so that she's not alone for so long, etc. I stay home more often.

It's such a difficult decision, people. The institution that placed Maia with me said there will always be a dog that touches me if I want to continue to be a foster home, but I don't think anyone will be like Maia (sounds like an oneitis yeah?).

I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life. A lot of it had to do with abandonment and at any time the call could come that a family has been found for her. I don't know how to cope with that.

Of course I won't die from it, but I have great respect for the moment when her dog basket is no longer here and I'm sitting alone on the sofa again.

Maybe someone has experienced something similar.

Hugs
Johannes

I have been reading about emotions in an attempt to keep mine in check. It is hard to break a bond. I am finding that it is good to give love, but being needy in love maybe not so much. I think fostering once in awhile will be a good lesson for you in being giving yet not reliant on others. My brother has an old dog and though she fills part of a void at home, he misses out on a lot of socializing which has not been good for his growth, during his divorce from his wife. I think it is good what you are doing Johannes, and do it often, but in intervals. Loving lots of dogs is much better than just loving one.

 

[Rinse & rePeat]

Hey,

I'm writing this because I like this forum and I often get really cool answers. But I'm also writing the following for myself, in the hope that I'll become clearer.

Four weeks ago I got a dog. It was my first time as a foster carer. For those who don't know what that is: you have a rescued dog until a family is found to adopt it.

Maia, estimated to be 5, is a French Bulldog, wants to cuddle 24/7, never barks and has a wonderful nature.

I told myself from the start that I would only have her until someone suitable was found for her, but damn, I couldn't have imagined the bond I would build.

I have very little contact with my family and not many social contacts at the moment. I was alone for Christmas. Well, not completely because Maia was with me...

This morning, after meditating, i had an open heart and she was lying in my lap and I imagined that today was the day she would be taken away and it tore my heart apart and I get tears in my eyes again when I think about it.

Now you're asking yourself, why don't I keep her?

Yes, that's the thing. No matter how much my love for her grows, my feeling to keep her remains a no.

I am 36 years old, can work independently. I just want to travel more, attend workshops, be free, maybe move to another apartment (which is much more difficult with a dog in Berlin). Sure, you can always take them to a friend or put them in a dog hotel, but I know myself and I know that I simply wouldn't do many things anymore. It's not just about special events, but about my everyday life, which is very restricted.

Her love is so wonderful, but in the four weeks I've also noticed how it limit me and sometimes makes me lonelier, because I don't do certain things so that she's not alone for so long, etc. I stay home more often.

It's such a difficult decision, people. The institution that placed Maia with me said there will always be a dog that touches me if I want to continue to be a foster home, but I don't think anyone will be like Maia (sounds like an oneitis yeah?).

I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life. A lot of it had to do with abandonment and at any time the call could come that a family has been found for her. I don't know how to cope with that.

Of course I won't die from it, but I have great respect for the moment when her dog basket is no longer here and I'm sitting alone on the sofa again.

Maybe someone has experienced something similar.

Hugs
Johannes

I have been reading about emotions in an attempt to keep mine in check and it is hard to break a bind. I am finding that it is good to give live, but being needy in live maybe not so much. I think fostering once in awhile will be a good lesson for you in being giving yet not reliant on others. My brother has an old dog and though she fills part of a void at home, he misses out on a lot of socializing which has not been good for his growth, during his divorce from his wife. I think it is good what you are doing Johannes, and do it often, but in intervals. Loving lots of dogs is much better than just loving one.

 

[Rinse & rePeat]

.

 

[TheDogsDid-It!]

Hey,

I'm writing this because I like this forum and I often get really cool answers. But I'm also writing the following for myself, in the hope that I'll become clearer.

Four weeks ago I got a dog. It was my first time as a foster carer. For those who don't know what that is: you have a rescued dog until a family is found to adopt it.

Maia, estimated to be 5, is a French Bulldog, wants to cuddle 24/7, never barks and has a wonderful nature.

I told myself from the start that I would only have her until someone suitable was found for her, but damn, I couldn't have imagined the bond I would build.

I have very little contact with my family and not many social contacts at the moment. I was alone for Christmas. Well, not completely because Maia was with me...

This morning, after meditating, i had an open heart and she was lying in my lap and I imagined that today was the day she would be taken away and it tore my heart apart and I get tears in my eyes again when I think about it.

Now you're asking yourself, why don't I keep her?

Yes, that's the thing. No matter how much my love for her grows, my feeling to keep her remains a no.

I am 36 years old, can work independently. I just want to travel more, attend workshops, be free, maybe move to another apartment (which is much more difficult with a dog in Berlin). Sure, you can always take them to a friend or put them in a dog hotel, but I know myself and I know that I simply wouldn't do many things anymore. It's not just about special events, but about my everyday life, which is very restricted.

Her love is so wonderful, but in the four weeks I've also noticed how it limit me and sometimes makes me lonelier, because I don't do certain things so that she's not alone for so long, etc. I stay home more often.

It's such a difficult decision, people. The institution that placed Maia with me said there will always be a dog that touches me if I want to continue to be a foster home, but I don't think anyone will be like Maia (sounds like an oneitis yeah?).

I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life. A lot of it had to do with abandonment and at any time the call could come that a family has been found for her. I don't know how to cope with that.

Of course I won't die from it, but I have great respect for the moment when her dog basket is no longer here and I'm sitting alone on the sofa again.

Maybe someone has experienced something similar.

Hugs
Johannes

I have been a foster for a no-kill shelter for more than 15 years, and my life partner has been for more than 30. We are what some would call "failed fosters", in that we have kept 5 out of the hundreds fostered. Even though 4 of the five are very old, and came to us from horrible backgrounds of abuse and injuries, they are still thriving in their safe and loving environment with us. We kept them because nobody else would consider them. But, we can also afford to keep them, and we have resources for sitters when we travel. For sure, travel and outings are a challenge, but we adjust.

Look to your original reason for fostering. If to provide a safe and loving environment until a permanent home with equal love is found, then that is probably your answer. We always made the decision on what family could adopt our fosters, and often we said no, but they always, always ended up in a loving home. Some of our neighbors adopted our fosters, so we see them on walks and even dog sit sometimes for them. Eventually, the dogs adjusted to their new homes and stopped yanking their new owners to our house. The families adopting, need the dogs and much as the dogs need them. Everyone adjusts. Ask your shelter to allow you to be involved with choosing the adoptive family, and you will feel the reward of spreading love. It hurts for a bit, but your heart grows stronger.

 

[Don]

I am a huge dog lover and owner BUT sounds like you need to find her a new home and move on. Can you be part of the new home finding process to make sure she finds a good home. This might be a big help for you and having no regrets.

 

[Michael Mohn]

Maybe this dog teaches you the importance of relationships and family and wants you to start a family with humans after 36 years of being alone (I assume).

 

[akgrrrl]

This will help your decision very little I suppose. But I was faced with a similar decision--being free of children in favor of travel, work projects on location, and active outdoors life. Until I met that dog. Who depended on my presence seemingly, doted on me, was happy to play and run with me and would have been crushed if I had given her away voluntarily.
I helped her fashion her own life.
found a doggie pal with a fenced yard that desperately needed company.
Found a doggie day care where boarding was reasonable.
Found local butcher with pre-boiled bones to give her if I left for the day so she came to know I would always be back if it was a bone day.
Trained her that her blanky went everywhere with her, so if it was in the car, she was good, at someones house for the night she was good, at a hotel for the night she was good.
Eventually all those patterns were her life and not me as her only focus.
After 2years, we found a bedraggled kitty living in our carport at zero degrees cold. And suddenly she was needed bigtime. Nurtured and protected by the dog, they hang out together and keep each other company.

 

[Lilac]

If you can take the time and effort with this thread, you are probably capable of seeking out someone who could share pet care when the other person wants to travel. Finding the person is the first step. Then get your dog used to the person, his or her home, and the other animal well before your first trip.

I also suggest adopting no more pets. One dog is do-able. Every additional animal makes leaving more difficult.

Good luck!

 

[Bounce]

Is it something that would supersede your love and contentment with her?

Because i dont know the future, its hard to tell. Both lives would be completely different. One life that is more dedicated to another living being (and where I have to put things back here and there) and one where I was as free as a bird.

good day to you. what is in YOUR heart? not outside world or other people's? only YOU can decide but first you will have to be clear or you may end up resenting your decision and either way that impacts you, the dog and all life as we are all connected. no amount of talk can decide, no thinking or rationalizing or any of that. When YOU get clarity on your life and why you even wanted to foster gets clear then maybe you will absolutely know with certainty. Merry Christmas (late) but never too late.

have a nice day to you too. the voice in my heart changes sometimes. but i think if i listened carefully, it would just tell me not to be so scared - no matter what i choose. if i keep fostering dogs, maybe someday one will come along that i love again and am 100% sure about. it is the fear that maia is the perfect dog for me. and she has now experienced a lot of my trauma and sadness. how i cried at christmas and then licked the tears from my face. something like that touches me.

I have been reading about emotions in an attempt to keep mine in check and it is hard to break a bind. I am finding that it is good to give live, but being needy in live maybe not so much. I think fostering once in awhile will be a good lesson for you in being giving yet not reliant on others. My brother has an old dog and though she fills part of a void at home, he misses out on a lot of socializing which has not been good for his growth, during his divorce from his wife. I think it is good what you are doing Johannes, and do it often, but in intervals. Loving lots of dogs is much better than just loving one.

Wow, I have tears in my eyes (not for the first time today). To understand your message exactly, I had it translated into deepl again. Wow. I'm especially touched by the ending. That you learn to love many dogs and not just one.

That's something you've read out well. It would give me more companionship (as a dog) but at the same time isolate me somewhere because some outings etc would be more difficult.

I have been a foster for a no-kill shelter for more than 15 years, and my life partner has been for more than 30. We are what some would call "failed fosters", in that we have kept 5 out of the hundreds fostered. Even though 4 of the five are very old, and came to us from horrible backgrounds of abuse and injuries, they are still thriving in their safe and loving environment with us. We kept them because nobody else would consider them. But, we can also afford to keep them, and we have resources for sitters when we travel. For sure, travel and outings are a challenge, but we adjust.

Look to your original reason for fostering. If to provide a safe and loving environment until a permanent home with equal love is found, then that is probably your answer. We always made the decision on what family could adopt our fosters, and often we said no, but they always, always ended up in a loving home. Some of our neighbors adopted our fosters, so we see them on walks and even dog sit sometimes for them. Eventually, the dogs adjusted to their new homes and stopped yanking their new owners to our house. The families adopting, need the dogs and much as the dogs need them. Everyone adjusts. Ask your shelter to allow you to be involved with choosing the adoptive family, and you will feel the reward of spreading love. It hurts for a bit, but your heart grows stronger.

Thank you for your message. I appreciate your words but the original reason why I took Maja no longer counts. At least not on an emotional level. It's been 5 weeks now. Unfortunately, I no longer see her as a foster dog or I find it difficult to do so.

Maybe this dog teaches you the importance of relationships and family and wants you to start a family with humans after 36 years of being alone (I assume).

Yeah, and unfortunately I think I trust her far more than people.

This will help your decision very little I suppose. But I was faced with a similar decision--being free of children in favor of travel, work projects on location, and active outdoors life. Until I met that dog. Who depended on my presence seemingly, doted on me, was happy to play and run with me and would have been crushed if I had given her away voluntarily.
I helped her fashion her own life.
found a doggie pal with a fenced yard that desperately needed company.
Found a doggie day care where boarding was reasonable.
Found local butcher with pre-boiled bones to give her if I left for the day so she came to know I would always be back if it was a bone day.
Trained her that her blanky went everywhere with her, so if it was in the car, she was good, at someones house for the night she was good, at a hotel for the night she was good.
Eventually all those patterns were her life and not me as her only focus.
After 2years, we found a bedraggled kitty living in our carport at zero degrees cold. And suddenly she was needed bigtime. Nurtured and protected by the dog, they hang out together and keep each other company.

Whatever I decide to do, I love your story.

If you can take the time and effort with this thread, you are probably capable of seeking out someone who could share pet care when the other person wants to travel. Finding the person is the first step. Then get your dog used to the person, his or her home, and the other animal well before your first trip.

I also suggest adopting no more pets. One dog is do-able. Every additional animal makes leaving more difficult.

Good luck!

Thank you. I thought about talking to the neighbors, but I think I have to say a clear yes for Maia before.

---

I couldn't sleep last night. Panic and incessant thoughts about how I could possibly make the right decision. Talked to God, meditated and cried again and again. My therapist said there is a very big desire in me for merging, which I didn't get as a child. That feels right. Sometimes this happens with maia.

The most important thing was what I have in my journal. Here I understood the value of Maia. I understood that even though I am now a popular, well-behaved young man, as a child I was an outsider, I was bullied, insulted and beaten. There is still mistrust of people.

I realized that no matter who treats me in the outside world, there is this dog in the background, in my home, who always loves me. That nobody can manipulate. Who will also be with me in the years to come when strokes of fate or similar things happen. Not a bounce who is constantly wandering around alone in the world.

I always remember the animal rights activists who say that there will be another dog who touches my heart. But I just don't trust that.

Right at the start of the new year, I have to make a decision. That's what the animal rights activists want, which I can understand.

 

[Peatful]

Because i dont know the future, its hard to tell. Both lives would be completely different. One life that is more dedicated to another living being (and where I have to put things back here and there) and one where I was as free as a bird.


have a nice day to you too. the voice in my heart changes sometimes. but i think if i listened carefully, it would just tell me not to be so scared - no matter what i choose. if i keep fostering dogs, maybe someday one will come along that i love again and am 100% sure about. it is the fear that maia is the perfect dog for me. and she has now experienced a lot of my trauma and sadness. how i cried at christmas and then licked the tears from my face. something like that touches me.


Wow, I have tears in my eyes (not for the first time today). To understand your message exactly, I had it translated into deepl again. Wow. I'm especially touched by the ending. That you learn to love many dogs and not just one.

That's something you've read out well. It would give me more companionship (as a dog) but at the same time isolate me somewhere because some outings etc would be more difficult.


Thank you for your message. I appreciate your words but the original reason why I took Maja no longer counts. At least not on an emotional level. It's been 5 weeks now. Unfortunately, I no longer see her as a foster dog or I find it difficult to do so.


Yeah, and unfortunately I think I trust her far more than people.


Whatever I decide to do, I love your story.


Thank you. I thought about talking to the neighbors, but I think I have to say a clear yes for Maia before.

---

I couldn't sleep last night. Panic and incessant thoughts about how I could possibly make the right decision. Talked to God, meditated and cried again and again. My therapist said there is a very big desire in me for merging, which I didn't get as a child. That feels right. Sometimes this happens with maia.

The most important thing was what I have in my journal. Here I understood the value of Maia. I understood that even though I am now a popular, well-behaved young man, as a child I was an outsider, I was bullied, insulted and beaten. There is still mistrust of people.

I realized that no matter who treats me in the outside world, there is this dog in the background, in my home, who always loves me. That nobody can manipulate. Who will also be with me in the years to come when strokes of fate or similar things happen. Not a bounce who is constantly wandering around alone in the world.

I always remember the animal rights activists who say that there will be another dog who touches my heart. But I just don't trust that.

Right at the start of the new year, I have to make a decision. That's what the animal rights activists want, which I can understand.

Ah
Reread what you wrote

Answer is strikingly clear to me

Also
Shocked you have a therapist that actually offered some truth


Hello to Maia

 

[Bounce]

Ah
Reread what you wrote

Answer is strikingly clear to me

Also
Shocked you have a therapist that actually offered some truth


Hello to Maia

Haha, thank you.
Yes, I think she is a very good therapist. She also draws parallels between Maia and my ex, where I also thought at the beginning that she was THE ONE, simply because there is a desire to merge. But when you're in the tunnel, it's hard to see. I can't say for sure whether it's the same with Maia.

What I forgot to mention is that she is estimated to be 5 years old. That means she will live another 5-8 years.

Regardless of whether this has anything to do with childhood wishes, Reddit is full of people who regret placing their foster dog (some still 7 years later). Of course, I don't know what their mental health is like in general.

Mh. I think it's time to build the necessary self-love and foundation in myself.