Peatogenic
Member
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2017
- Messages
- 746
At age 33, I began talk therapy...two months later I was transferred to a trauma specialist where I was basically realizing I had CPTSD (IF we must use labels). I discovered RAY PEAT about 5 years ago and went down that road heavily (perhaps even as a traumatic perfectionistic aim, or a desire to untangle the phantom chaos)...but I also loved his emphasis on learned helplessness, perceiving, thinking, and acting. As I've started this science-based psychotherapy modality for trauma I'm even seeing my hormones regulate better. Trauma could be impeding our power to perceive the entire organism.
Four months ago I started going to a talk therapist with no formal diagnosis of anything (I still don't have one). After two months, he said I'd need to work with a trauma specialist. In our appointments I would close my eyes, slow my speech, slower heart rate. Every session was exhausting. I felt like we weren't getting anywhere. My "trusting the process of therapy" felt like an act in the end.
I did a little research and discovered Somatic Experiencing. It was grueling finding a practitioner. My last hope wasn't currently taking clients but a colleague said I should call anyway. To my great surprise, she called me back the next day saying a time had just become available. Her entire practice was based on trauma recovery.
I drove an hour to my first appointment. She was this small Chinese woman and she got right to business. She began to apply these bag weights on different parts of my body and we began processing my body sensations and my perceptions of the office. A giant window spread across one wall framing a large tree branch. At one point there was this brief exchange about my experience in a cult of 8 years. That my mysterious emotional dysregulation and general confusion, dissociation, etc was because of a lack of faith, evil spirits, being against the cult, etc. With the most genuine expression, she said, "I'm so sorry they told you that.". In those few words I felt so vindicated. I knew that I had something wrong with me on a physiological/brain level and it was like I had finally found answers. What I was dealing with was no mystery to her. She sees it every day.
With this type of therapy, especially with dissociation, there's no talking really about the past. It's all about body sensations and perceptions. I discovered that I did not really feel my body or see things correctly. As the work with the weights went on I began to sense my body more clearly, my vision of things became more vibrant, and I had this strange new awareness of my body and perceptions. In one session, there was about 20 pounds on my feet by the end. When I left, the world was so vivid, I could hear better, and even smell differently.
When I start to dissociate bad she takes a more proactive approach and rolls up a bouncy ball next to me to sit on and has me hold her arm. She walks me through the coming out...and I am able to differentiate between the two. One time, I could sense every part of my body except my hand touching her arm. Yesterday, I was sitting there observing the room...and I suddenly realized how different it looked...but with these sense changes comes feeling changes...and so it was just like this *entirely different* world. I suddenly realized that I had left this world most of my life. It was both overwhelmingly beautiful and sobering. She saw me start to dissociate here again and gave me some ceramic turtles to hold in my hand and I was not able to hold in the pain of my regret.
She rolled up and had me hold her arm. We talked about perceptions and she said that I have to remember that dissociation saved me. That we have no choice, our bodies do it for us. Eventually I came back, in control and processing.
The weights re-train the mind body neurological connection. It's not a lifelong practice I will have to take up. It's about healing. With the weights I can access a different world....not just in sensation but also in feeling...as if it deactivates that *trauma feeling*. I do this weight work on my own every day for 20 minutes as well. It's mind and body rehabilitation.
A few weeks ago, between sessions, I was having a very difficult time. She said I should try wearing some ankle weights as I go about my day. I remember walking outside and having the distinct feeling that *I am a real person*....it shocked me. All the colors looked so vivid. And even more, I had incredible focus, a feeling of power over my life. This happens every day I wear the ankle weights. I've noticed if I don't wear them sometimes, I can still access this at times. I'm starting to actually feel that brain switch that does all of this and I can see how I could eventually do this at will if I start separating or spiraling.
And the really incredible thing is that I've only done the SE for six weeks. I feel as if I'm waking up into a new world. No mental health diagnoses, no prescriptions, not even talking about stuff yet. All very gentle and intuitive and in the moment. SE really works for me, and I don't even really know what's "wrong". I told her yesterday that this work just seems to create change in the mind without any methodical protocols or understanding of the mechanics. "Amazing, isn't it," she said. Trauma has affected everyone to some degree, and when we are fully sensing our bodies we become powerful and present.
To find an SE practitioner, you can visit:. Find An SE Practitioner - SE Practitioner Directory
Four months ago I started going to a talk therapist with no formal diagnosis of anything (I still don't have one). After two months, he said I'd need to work with a trauma specialist. In our appointments I would close my eyes, slow my speech, slower heart rate. Every session was exhausting. I felt like we weren't getting anywhere. My "trusting the process of therapy" felt like an act in the end.
I did a little research and discovered Somatic Experiencing. It was grueling finding a practitioner. My last hope wasn't currently taking clients but a colleague said I should call anyway. To my great surprise, she called me back the next day saying a time had just become available. Her entire practice was based on trauma recovery.
I drove an hour to my first appointment. She was this small Chinese woman and she got right to business. She began to apply these bag weights on different parts of my body and we began processing my body sensations and my perceptions of the office. A giant window spread across one wall framing a large tree branch. At one point there was this brief exchange about my experience in a cult of 8 years. That my mysterious emotional dysregulation and general confusion, dissociation, etc was because of a lack of faith, evil spirits, being against the cult, etc. With the most genuine expression, she said, "I'm so sorry they told you that.". In those few words I felt so vindicated. I knew that I had something wrong with me on a physiological/brain level and it was like I had finally found answers. What I was dealing with was no mystery to her. She sees it every day.
With this type of therapy, especially with dissociation, there's no talking really about the past. It's all about body sensations and perceptions. I discovered that I did not really feel my body or see things correctly. As the work with the weights went on I began to sense my body more clearly, my vision of things became more vibrant, and I had this strange new awareness of my body and perceptions. In one session, there was about 20 pounds on my feet by the end. When I left, the world was so vivid, I could hear better, and even smell differently.
When I start to dissociate bad she takes a more proactive approach and rolls up a bouncy ball next to me to sit on and has me hold her arm. She walks me through the coming out...and I am able to differentiate between the two. One time, I could sense every part of my body except my hand touching her arm. Yesterday, I was sitting there observing the room...and I suddenly realized how different it looked...but with these sense changes comes feeling changes...and so it was just like this *entirely different* world. I suddenly realized that I had left this world most of my life. It was both overwhelmingly beautiful and sobering. She saw me start to dissociate here again and gave me some ceramic turtles to hold in my hand and I was not able to hold in the pain of my regret.
She rolled up and had me hold her arm. We talked about perceptions and she said that I have to remember that dissociation saved me. That we have no choice, our bodies do it for us. Eventually I came back, in control and processing.
The weights re-train the mind body neurological connection. It's not a lifelong practice I will have to take up. It's about healing. With the weights I can access a different world....not just in sensation but also in feeling...as if it deactivates that *trauma feeling*. I do this weight work on my own every day for 20 minutes as well. It's mind and body rehabilitation.
A few weeks ago, between sessions, I was having a very difficult time. She said I should try wearing some ankle weights as I go about my day. I remember walking outside and having the distinct feeling that *I am a real person*....it shocked me. All the colors looked so vivid. And even more, I had incredible focus, a feeling of power over my life. This happens every day I wear the ankle weights. I've noticed if I don't wear them sometimes, I can still access this at times. I'm starting to actually feel that brain switch that does all of this and I can see how I could eventually do this at will if I start separating or spiraling.
And the really incredible thing is that I've only done the SE for six weeks. I feel as if I'm waking up into a new world. No mental health diagnoses, no prescriptions, not even talking about stuff yet. All very gentle and intuitive and in the moment. SE really works for me, and I don't even really know what's "wrong". I told her yesterday that this work just seems to create change in the mind without any methodical protocols or understanding of the mechanics. "Amazing, isn't it," she said. Trauma has affected everyone to some degree, and when we are fully sensing our bodies we become powerful and present.
To find an SE practitioner, you can visit:. Find An SE Practitioner - SE Practitioner Directory