Nova: The Very Far Off Broadway Not-Musical

[Nova]

Nighttime Downlow Update

Total calories: 1,372
Total after exercise: 1,105

Another day of low totals, I suppose. I think there may be a pattern emerging though. I am burning a more calories than I thought. Even when I feel meh, I still walk a lot. Today I took my dog to the soccer fields and played soccer with him for like 20 minutes. I haven't played soccer since age 10-11. I used to love it, but as I got bigger and bigger...I couldn't keep up with the other kids. Then I almost hurt a girl who was a lot smaller than me and the coach decided that it was too much of a risk to let me play.

Today, I just had fun and didn't care if any passerby thought me a fool. It was like being a kid again, somewhat. Just that spontaneous playful energy coming up as I ran across the field with 90lbs of excited mutt hauling **** alongside me.

I also watched the sunrise this morning. Beautiful, here. :)

***********************

That's awesome, Nova. Your analogy is good and it helps to think about diet in terms of battles, not wars. Keep the good vibe going, for a rainy day!

Battles and wars. I tend to have more of a pull philosophy vs a push philosophy. I seek harmony, strive for that elusive thing called "balance". Peating (imho, fwiw) is not about fighting biology, or resisting temptation, or battling your demons. I think it is about a journey of bringing your whole self into a place of healing and optimal being. Sure, you'll fight, resist, battle, etc along the way, but those conflicts shouldn't define your journey.

It's late here and I have an early morning tomorrow or else I'd meta this out, lol. Maybe later.

Ride the vibes to goodtown! B-)

*************************

Positive Notes:

• I can sit crossways in a chair that I bought a year ago. It has a solid wood frame with no give and I haven't been able to sit in comfortably...EVER. This evening, I curled up in it and drank a cup of tea.
• I can feel my abdominal fat beneath my skin. There is no puffiness or fluid on some parts of my abdominal area. It's weird. I Facetimed my mom to show her last night and she thought I was a bit loony about it, I think.
• The swelling I've had at the top of my abdomen for the last week or so has begun to go down. YAY!

Til next time...

 

[tara]

Today I took my dog to the soccer fields and played soccer with him for like 20 minutes.

:)

 

[Nova]

Boring but necessary stuff:

Total calories: 1,444
Total after exercise: 1,228

So there's probably a pattern developing, I think. I'm not consuming enough energy. I'm expending too much energy. Maybe better summed up as "Energy Management Issues". I cut back on my exercise today, didn't walk as far...but still managed to burn 215 kcal.

I didn't eat much today. Most of my calories were liquid. Drank a quart of my favorite milk, and a quart of OJ. Some other things too, but I feel like I accomplished something today. I haven't been drinking milk. It's too expensive. I hate milk. Only one store sells the brand I like. Blah blah blah. I plan on working my way up to a half gallon of milk a day. The OJ, not sure that I'll get to half gallon anytime soon, but I play on giving myself an honest shot of hitting that unofficial target in the future.

I lost another 2 (almost 3) lbs over the last three days. I should feel great about that but at the same time, it's unsettling. I do believe I'm undergoing some deep changes within my body. I'm not as alarmed about not consuming enough calories and the weight loss as I was. I have a lot of excess body fat to burn. I know that I can survive for awhile. But I am concerned about metabolic fuckery.

I need to start supplementing. I haven't been taking anything since my liquid multis ran out last month. And they weren't that great. It's just daunting figuring out what I need, how much, when to take it, so on. Also, should I get some labs done to determine where to start?

I'm eating under 30g of fat most days. (And some days, far less than that.) I'm consuming fructose and sucrose and making serious effort to develop an awareness of my protein and calcium intake. Personally (not scientifically), I find myself thinking of this stage of my health journey as training. I'm training my body to do certain things, to be a certain way. A lot of what I'm doing is tedious, boring, bland and of no interest to anyone but me. All of it matters though.

I'm building habits, trying to hold myself to higher standards. I keep it real though. Awareness. Small steps. Phases. Vision. Awareness, that's a theme. Suddenly, I'm having these child-like bursts of energy and emotion. It's like I'm being rewired. For last few months since starting to follow Peat's reccs, my bursts have been mostly emotional. I've been tearing up a lot, cried a few times over stupid ***t like scenes in movies. Spastic happiness sometimes comes over me too. I just have to dance or move around like I'm celebrating something. Really, I'm just celebrating mundane things like a new episode of my favorite reality show. (Trash, I know. But I don't care.) Or finding a coupon on my yogurt lid. Those are just examples of random stuff I've celebradanced about for no real reason.

Now I'm having more physical energy bursts. They're great because I haven't felt like running or playing in years. I remember pushing myself to keep up with wily active nephews at the beginning of summer. I weighed ~330lbs then and it was boiling **** hot for the entire 3 weeks they were here. They were always like "Auntie, chase us!" "Auntie, can we have a water fight?" "Auntie, let's take our bikes to the park!"

It took everything to keep up with them. And I hated that I was sweating profusely and couldn't really play with them. I couldn't go down the slide with the little one because I was too freaking fat. I couldn't hide under the slide when we were playing "Grumpy Old Troll Who Lives Under The Bridge." (It's a game based on Dora the Explorer. Kinda like tag, only not much fun when you're a fat wheezing old troll, lol.)

When I first set off on my health journey this summer, it was so that I could really enjoy spending time with them. I love the hell out of them. I don't get to see any of my nieces or nephews that much anymore, but I really want to be in better shape and spirits the next time I do.

So they're kind of always in the back of my mind whenever I'm out walking or playing with the dog. I want to be able to climb those trees, chase down runaway soccer balls and pop flys, play on the equipment and be the fittest Grumpy Old Troll Under The Bridge evah, lol.

*************************

Now I'm aware that my body is changing. I'm losing weight, feeling things, thinking, playing, talking. And I'm alive. Before, it was like I was dead. Just existing. Dragging myself out of bed in the morning was an epic challenge. Some days, I had to set my alarm for like 20 minutes earlier just I'd have time to gather the strength to get up.

I don't feel like that anymore. I hope to never feel that way again.

I'm trying to figure out what my next play is. I've been Peating for 4 months. PUFA depleting slowly. The first couple of months, I only lost 12 lbs. The last two months? 52 lbs. Do I trust my math? Sometimes not, but I do believe that is mostly accurate. Hell, I've lost 9lbs in the last two weeks. WTF is that about?

Anyone can starve their self thin if they are really determined, I guess. I've watched my mom do it numerous times and she always balloons back up after a couple of months of actually eating. I've never starved myself thin though. I was too addicted to processed snacks and deep fried whatevers to consider not eating.

Even when I attempted to get healthy in the past, I could never go long without eating. Except that juice cleanse thing. I went a month without eating solid food in order to lose like 30lbs, I think. I don't have many memories of that time, except that I was always in the bathroom.

Now I'm getting to the point where I forget to eat. I have to set reminders on my phone. I just don't care about food anymore. I don't love it, I don't hate it, it just is. My stomach grumbles a lot and I'm like "meh, later."

It's a training process, for me. I'm attempting to shrink my stomach without surgery. Is that possible?

Another reason for my health journey has its beginnings to not wanting to have gastric bypass surgery. Several of my family members have had various gastric bypass procedures. Only one has fared well. The others have all had complications and gained some of the weight back. Hell, even the one who fared well has started to gain some weight back.

I knew that gastric bypass was in my future if I didn't get my ***t together. Just like I knew that my ovaries were dying, diabetes was looming on the horizon and I was headed towards an early grave if I didn't make some serious changes in my life. I can't accept any of those things. I won't accept them either.

 

[tara]

I hate milk.

I wouldn't force yourself to eat something you hate. Maybe yr body is telling you something.

The OJ, not sure that I'll get to half gallon anytime soon, but I play on giving myself an honest shot of hitting that unofficial target in the future.

Quite possibly just 1l would be enough to make quite a difference.

I've been tearing up a lot, cried a few times over stupid ***t like scenes in movies. ... happiness sometimes comes over me too. I just have to dance or move around like I'm celebrating something.

:)

So they're kind of always in the back of my mind whenever I'm out walking or playing with the dog. I want to be able to climb those trees, chase down runaway soccer balls and pop flys, play on the equipment and the fittest Grumpy Old Troll Under The Bridge evah, lol.

Go Aunty Nova! That's the kind of trolling I like the sound of. :)

I'm attempting to shrink my stomach without surgery. Is that possible?

I can't eat the kind of large meals I sometimes used to eat - hit the limit of 'full' much quicker these days - I think my stomach shrank from more liquid food and more frequent grazing.

to not wanting to have gastric bypass surgery.

Hope you can avoid that.
I know someone who barely survived it.
I think there might be a bit of info about the risks on the HAES site.

 

[Nova]

I wouldn't force yourself to eat something you hate. Maybe yr body is telling you something.


Quite possibly just 1l would be enough to make quite a difference.


:)

Go Aunty Nova! That's the kind of trolling I like the sound of. :)


I can't eat the kind of large meals I sometimes used to eat - hit the limit of 'full' much quicker these days - I think my stomach shrank from more liquid food and more frequent grazing.


Hope you can avoid that.
I know someone who barely survived it.
I think there might be a bit of info about the risks on the HAES site.

Me and milk have a history.

As a kid, I drank milk just like everyone else. I never did care much for the taste, but my family had rules about finishing whatever you were given to consume at meals. So if I got a glass of milk, I had to drink it. Plus I got a carton of chocolate milk everyday with school lunch.

I went on my first low carb diet at age 16. I drank lots of Hood's low carb "milk" back then because I couldn't stand large amounts of meat or eggs. I went off of that diet around the time I graduated from high school. I tried to go back to regular milk, but found the taste off-putting. And the smell. OMG, the smell of milk, especially in plastic jugs...stimulates my gag reflex. Also, the milk-shits are a very real thing, trust. :P

When I became a vegetarian in college, I started drinking soy milk (baaaaaaaaaad little vegetarian sheep, I was). I liked it and drank 2-3 cartons/wk. My SO used to complain about always running out of soy milk, lol. That continued for about 3-4 years. Then I started getting horrific gastrointestinal symptoms any time I drank soy milk. Screw doing a colon cleanse. If I drink soy milk, it's guaranteed that I'll be crapping my brains out within a few hours.

Most soy products cause the sort of panic-ridden bowel bursts that strike real fear within me. I've become very mindful about hidden soy and I can definitely tell when something has soy in it by the after effects.

Anyway, I only began drinking regular milk again since starting to follow a Peatist approach. I've tried several brands and only two pass the unofficial test: one local glass bottled brand and one fancy ultrafiltered lactose free brand. I do better with the latter, so that's what I'm currently drinking. I think that I have lactose issues. Maybe not intolerance, but cautionary use only? I have a very low tolerance for it or maybe it just takes a long time for me to digest?

Several members of my father's side of the family are lactose intolerant and our ethnic group is known to lack the gene necessary to break it down, so there could be something genetic to my milk issues. Idk, can't say for sure.

So I take it slow with milk, try not to push myself to consume it past the "safe" point. Which I'm way more aware of now. :)

Milk issues, though, they make Peating a challenge. Other people talk about drinking large amounts of skim milk, and I'm like, ugh, wtf, I just can't. That was part of what took me so long to get on board and actually start. I didn't think that I could Peat "right" because of my twisted issues with dairy products.

******************************

Other thangs:

I've been really locked onto addressing certain issues in my healing journey. This is how I can tell that I'm turning a corner. I've always been a very linear thinking person. I am very big on concepts and I do my best construct frameworks of understanding. I like for things to "fit" neatly into my proposed framework. The flipside of this is that I have a hard time accepting what I don't understand.

If I don't understand something immediately, I become very obsessed about figuring it out. Tracing everything back to the beginning, the roots, so to say. Taking notes (OMG, teh noteage!). Spending hours and days and weeks reading and writing epic essays and scrawled journal entries while half-asleep at 3am.

This is another obstacle of sorts on my journey. I'm not fighting it or even attempting to overcome my nature. It's harnessing the passion, centering the focus, exercising discernment...

However, when left unchecked, my obsessive drive to understand can utterly stall my journey. I want knowledge, I want to be able to fit that knowledge into increments, create strategies. Basically, I want to build this mofo, lol. I'm recreating myself currently. Regeneration is the next phase.

*******************

My framework so far (in relation to Peating and my healing processes):

I refer to it as "Top // Down" since it starts at the top (mind, head) and addresses different parts of the body as you work your way down. Will work on explaining that later, perhaps.

1. PHASE ONE: RECREATION
2. PHASE TWO: REGENERATION
3. PHASE THREE: OPTIMIZATION
4. PHASE FOUR: REALIZATION

I don't know how deep to get into this today. I'm technically supposed to be doing my "job" but I can't focus on the mundane right now.

RECREATION -- For me, this took the form of letting go of a lot of toxic relationships. Once I let go of the big shackles that were keeping me from pursuing my vision (or even having one at all most of the time), I was finally able to experience some clarity. Plus I was no longer as stressed and my responses and decisions began to reflect that. My vision has shifted slightly, as I've done more soul-searching. I suspect it will shift more as I progress through the phases of my framework.

Recreation is the deepest change and it doesn't always come at the beginning of one's healing journey. I've read the experiences of others here and on plenty of other health-related forums. A lot of people jump right into regeneration phase. There's nothing wrong with that, imho. Sometimes the physical is a gateway to the supposed higher planes of existence. Maybe clarity can't come for some until they clean their inner mirrors or remove the film from their third eye or whatever. Maybe regeneration is necessary from the beginning for some folks to be who they're supposed to become. *shrug*

"Hard work good, hard work fine, but first take care of head...." (line from "Smoke Two Joints" by Sublime)

(Okay I just looked at the clock. I've really gotta get back on track.)

REGENERATION -- This is my second phase. It's not something that I can just do. It's a series of processes, each one to be calibrated to accomplish or address specific things. This is where I get hung up on supplementation. Does it matter if I'm not adequately absorbing or processing whatever the hell it is?

Cleansing is a big part of the regeneration phase. Get rid of the old, bring in the new. HEAL, dammit, HEAL!!!!

I'm not sure where to start. This is an obstacle, mental block, for me. I'm waffling at the moment because I'm so uncertain.

After reading some threads on here and having spent a considerable amount of time traveling the weird alt.health fringe over the last decade or so, I've seen, read and personally experienced some things that make me uneasy about the regeneration phase. Especially since it's a long game to play.

Then I have to think that Peat's work is more of a philosophy than readily apparent at first glance. Peating is lifestyle based around the philosophy of healing and optimal being through the address of metabolic issues. To me, Peating is about achieving harmony in one's own mind, body, life and nature. It's also about the day to day ***t like fitting into smaller pants, finding good food and milk at reasonable prices, and obsessing over minutia, apparently. :P

It's going to take some time to reach harmony. It's going to take time to regenerate. It's a slow process, mostly because I keep finding limitations, making excuses to limit my vision. Why?

In my case, I haven't reached the point where I'm ready to do "serious work". Deep cleansing, strict dietary regimes, boatloads of supplements, endless doctor visits and lab work. All of this stuff takes money, money that I can't just pull out of my **** on a whim. Peating is not really more expensive than eating the way I was before. (Maybe cheaper because I rarely eat out these days.)

But going any further in than diet really stresses me out. Can I afford to spend triple digits on supplements each month, long term? Probably not. Doctor's visits outside of insurance? No. Lab work? I've been waiting on that for months now. I am awaiting a settlement from an accident that I was involved in over a year ago.

I could do any number of things once I get that money, but can I sustain them long enough to experience true, life-long healing?

Anyway, yeah, midday mental dump ahoy. Might post again later if my mind doesn't settle down.

 

[Nova]

Daily Calzzzzzzzz:
Total calories: 1,518
Total after exercise: 1,097

This continues to confirm my energy management issues theory. I plan on tracking kcal and exercise for a few more days and then meditating on this issue for a night or two. See where I'm led on it.

That midday mental dump was really great for unclogging my thinking colon aka mind. I had an excellent afternoon and evening.

********************

I meditated while doing some yoga-lite this evening. These bursts of raw child-like energy are still a bit unnerving. I can't remember ever feeling like this, even as a child myself. Focusing my meditation on this new feeling, I had some realizations about why I find them to be so weird and unnerving.

I understand why sitting still is so hard for kids. I'm having a hard time sitting still myself. Some days are better than others, but it's becoming increasingly hard for me to sit for more than 10 minutes or so at a time. It's not that I can't or don't pay attention to things that are going on or don't contribute to things. It's just that my body has to move.

I'm restless yet energetic. My body is kind of confused about what to do with the energy, I guess. So I'm fidgety. Always pacing, stretching, standing up, sitting back down, shifting around. After writing about my nephews last night, I can identify with how hard it was for them when they were with me this summer. Any time I'd turn the TV on and be like "Hey guys, let's chill.", they'd be all interested at first, but after 10,15 minutes, they were antsy and dying to run around or wrestle or do something active.

If I'm still, my mind is racing and if I'm up moving, it slows down. Sometimes it stops completely for a little while and then I have great clarity. The world is bright and open and that's really when I feel most at peace. It's the hope that I haven't ever had in my entire life...finally emerging. I like that feeling.

I can only reach such states after being in constant motion for awhile. That's why I do yoga while I meditate. It is such a dynamic experience. Especially now that my core and back muscles are getting stronger. I bear-crawled across my living room earlier just for the hell of it. That's how these energy bursts work, lol.

 

[Nova]

Energy Management Data
Total calories: 1,294
Total after exercise: 1,035

Nothing new there. I'm not eating enough, moving too much. Feeling okay. The experiment continues.

********************************
Today I've been thinking a lot about underlying causes. I received some paperwork from my endocrinologist today. I glanced at it and saw some test results that I'd forgotten about. Stirred up some memories, some of which may prove to be crucial.

PCOS...what is it? Inflammation of the ovaries. Why does it occur? There isn't a clearcut singular cause or so the professionals say. I can only argue from anecdotal experiences so what good are my opinions here? Not sure.

In my case, I believe there is an underlying genetic factor. I possess a genetic mutation that causes a defect in the way that I process pregnelone and progesterone. My endocrinologist says that it is not "diagnostically significant" according to the note included with paperwork.

I remember the MANY conversations and arguments I had to have with my GP in 2011-12 before being able to acquire a referral to see said endocrinologist. I took a stack of printouts from the internet, convinced that there was something besides PCOS and pre-diabetes going on. I told my GP about my childhood, early puberty, never having regular cycles, and lots of other things that led me to believe that I may have X condition (not going into detail here because I feel that they are bit too personal for now.)

My GP and I had this terribly awkward conversation in which she basically thought I was crazy. **** her, really. She's like a 8.5 out of 10 on my personal bitchometer scale anyway. The only reason I'm still her patient is because I'm fond of the head doctor who I've known since my teens and is actually a decent, compassionate human being. He's great and I'd love to see just him, but I'm stuck with her as my primary. Boo hiss.

Anyway, my endocrinologist thought I was crazy too. "This is so rare, very few people have this, blah blah." But the tests were performed and apparently I got a partial vindication. I do indeed have a rare genetic mutation. However, my case is labeled as "diagnostically insignificant" because my hormone and enzymatic levels were not low enough to qualify as being truly deficient. I'm "low-normal", just barely above the official diagnostic criteria.

I was so pissed and dejected after finding that out 3 years ago. It's like "Yeah, something is wrong with you. But not wrong enough to be fixed. So just take this medication and that one and come back every 4 months for further tests. And don't forget to pay us on time!"

I never really looked into the genetic aspect of my condition until recently. I figured that if the doctors thought I had PCOS, then that was it. Why bother spilling my guts about what's really wrong with me when no one understands or cares?

As I started reading more, researching more and started reading RP's stuff, I realized that this thing that I thought didn't matter may actually matter quite a lot. Now I'm realizing that I'm going to have to adjust my strategies and such accordingly. Everything Peat-related that I've been struggling with may (or may not) have its roots in this genetic abnormality. I think that I can work around it and still reach an optimal state in the future.

The knowledge and the reality of that knowledge means that my journey is going to be unique. It's up to me to figure this ***t out, I guess.

 

[Nova]

Musical Styling:


I enjoy juxtaposition in music. Two or more opposing forces coalescing, forming a harmony, completing a narrative. This particular style of music is classical, tribal, and metal, all rolled together. The song above is one of my favorites. I also have a penchant for female vocalists, so this is like musical heaven for me.

Update:

Total Calories: 1,602
After Exercise: 1,376

Yesterday was an off day. I didn't eat much and I didn't drink any OJ or milk. I drank some apple juice and green juice instead and decided to eat some cottage cheese and ice cream. I have some tender spots inside of mouth and on the insides of my lips. That's my body's way of telling me that I'm consuming too much OJ. I've always been sensitive to citrus fruits and products containing citric acid. I kind of figured that a quart a day would overload me at some point, but I was hopeful it wouldn't happen four days into my experiment. 12-16oz/day is my current limit.

I consumed more total calories, but I was antsy once I actually woke up around 10am. Walked almost 2 miles and then I came home and crashed again. Thank goodness this is my unofficial weekend.

I am beset by sleep difficulties, it seems. I've always had some issues with going to sleep. It takes me awhile to unwind. This current ***t is r-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s.

I try to go to sleep around 10-11pm, but these last few weeks I find myself staying up until 2-3am at least 3-4 nights per week. I'm currently gestating a novel, lol. I wake up when I do sleep just to write things down. Other times I'm just typing, typing, reading, adjusting my music, typing. Any spare moment I have is dedicated to my novel-baby.

I am really amped up due to only having a week until National Novel Writing Month starts. I want to have the base of my novel fleshed out and a rough outline ready to go. Also, I'm trying to get most of my Wiki-level research squared away and somewhat organized, along with my notes that I'm sorting into Evernote so I don't have to hunt things down on my hard drives and notebooks this time around. Motivation, I have. I want to write this thing next month, dammit.

Writing 50k words in 30 days always seems easy. I've done this for the last 5 or 6 years and I've only completed one novel. I'm still adding to it, thinking of turning into a series at this point, lol. The rest of the times, things just go to hell in handbasket at critical moments. I get bogged down in research or struck by horrible writer's block. Or the powers that be sling ***t at me all during the month of November. Last year, my oldest niece went into early labor in mid-November. The last two weeks of the month, I was travelling back and forth to visit her. I also had legal matters to attend to, which really knocked me out of the framework of focus needed to write a novel.

Here's to hoping that this is the year that I will complete a novel.

Positive vibes to all.

 

[Nova]

Small update:

Today's totals:
Total Calories: 1,265
After Exercise: 882

The pattern chugs along.

Btw, how do I edit posts? I really wanted to just add this to the post above but I couldn't figure it out.

 

[Blossom]

Btw, how do I edit posts? I really wanted to just add this to the post above but I couldn't figure it out.

Do you see an edit option at the bottom of the post? If so just click on that to edit your post. I know there is a time limit to editing although I can't remember exactly how long but @charlie should know.

 

[SQu]

I am really amped up due to only having a week until National Novel Writing Month start

I signed up too. I want to finish my half written second (in terms of 'will at least one other person ever read this') unpublished novel I've been on for a year. Tough year, this is my beacon of hope.

Here's to hoping that this is the year that I will complete a novel.

Best of luck!

 

[charlie]

I know there is a time limit to editing although I can't remember exactly how long but @charlie should know.

It's around a 2 hour limit to edit posts.

 

[Nova]

@Blossom @charlie
Thanks for the info. :)

***************
I haven't been tracking kcals today. I need a day off. I get so overwhelmed with metrics. #unquantifiedlife

I had to break out my blood sugar test kit last night. I couldn't sleep yet AGAIN. I laid in bed for like 3 hours. I started having heart palpitations and felt like I was going to pass out. That hasn't happened to me since I was on Spironolactone. Since I've had blood sugar issues (not diabetic) in the past, I decided to start my investigation there.

My levels usually run ~80, or lower end of normal range. They've stayed consistent since I started implementing Peat principles over the summer. I haven't even bothered testing them in the past month because I was feeling great and didn't see a need.

Well, last night my first test at midnight was 71. Okay, that's low but not dangerous. A hair under normal. I decided that I was probably just restless and hadn't eaten very much. I decided to eat some ice cream (1/2 cup). Went back to bed. Laid there listening to music and tried to bore myself to sleep by reading a book by an author I don't particularly care for. 4 chapters in and my heart was still beating fast. Not as fast as before, but noticeable. I started shivering and my jaw began to tighten.

I decided to test again. 66. WTF? Once again, not dangerously low but lower than before. I drank a little bit of apple juice and sat up for awhile. Petted the dog, read another chapter before throwing the book behind my bed in disgust. I felt cold and sad and started crying out of nowhere. I don't remember what happened after that because I passed out. Woke up in leaning against the wall with my phone in my hand this morning. Don't know how that happened.

I would have tested again this morning, but I couldn't find any more test strips. Ugh....

****************

Off to novel-world!

 

[Blossom]

@Blossom @charlie
Thanks for the info. :)

***************
I haven't been tracking kcals today. I need a day off. I get so overwhelmed with metrics. #unquantifiedlife

I had to break out my blood sugar test kit last night. I couldn't sleep yet AGAIN. I laid in bed for like 3 hours. I started having heart palpitations and felt like I was going to pass out. That hasn't happened to me since I was on Spironolactone. Since I've had blood sugar issues (not diabetic) in the past, I decided to start my investigation there.

My levels usually run ~80, or lower end of normal range. They've stayed consistent since I started implementing Peat principles over the summer. I haven't even bothered testing them in the past month because I was feeling great and didn't see a need.

Well, last night my first test at midnight was 71. Okay, that's low but not dangerous. A hair under normal. I decided that I was probably just restless and hadn't eaten very much. I decided to eat some ice cream (1/2 cup). Went back to bed. Laid there listening to music and tried to bore myself to sleep by reading a book by an author I don't particularly care for. 4 chapters in and my heart was still beating fast. Not as fast as before, but noticeable. I started shivering and my jaw began to tighten.

I decided to test again. 66. WTF? Once again, not dangerously low but lower than before. I drank a little bit of apple juice and sat up for awhile. Petted the dog, read another chapter before throwing the book behind my bed in disgust. I felt cold and sad and started crying out of nowhere. I don't remember what happened after that because I passed out. Woke up in leaning against the wall with my phone in my hand this morning. Don't know how that happened.

I would have tested again this morning, but I couldn't find any more test strips. Ugh....

****************

Off to novel-world!

*please don't get mad at me* but I think you are probably not eating enough. If you were underweight and having those symptoms you would be encouraged to eat more so I'm going to offer you the same advice. I do not believe that overweight or obese people should have to starve/semi-starve in their quest for healing. You can damage your metabolism just like the next person by under eating for too long. Please consider checking out the total energy expenditure calculator I posted up thread as I think it's much more accurate than cronometer on calorie needs. I think if you can stay within a couple hundred calories of your total energy expenditure you might be able to lose weight slowly without damaging your metabolism.:)

 

[tara]

It's too expensive.

I understand why sitting still is so hard for kids. I'm having a hard time sitting still myself.

Yay. Opportunity for more play?

Well, last night my first test at midnight was 71. Okay, that's low but not dangerous.

Low enough to explain sleeplessness,

I felt cold and sad and started crying out of nowhere. I don't remember what happened after that because I passed out.

When life stress is high enough, that's sometimes the thing I need to be able to sleep too.

I do not believe that overweight or obese people should have to starve/semi-starve in their quest for healing. You can damage your metabolism just like the next person by under eating for too long.

+1
Those low blood sugar readings look like you could use more carbs.

Please consider checking out the total energy expenditure calculator I posted up thread as I think it's much more accurate than cronometer on calorie needs.

I checked out that counter you linked - came out less than 200 cal away from the youreatopia guidelines (which are more general and take less account of activity differences) for me. Looks pretty good from here.

I think if you can stay within a couple hundred calories of your total energy expenditure you might be able to lose weight slowly without damaging your metabolism.:)

+1

.

 

[Nova]

*please don't get mad at me* but I think you are probably not eating enough. If you were underweight and having those symptoms you would be encouraged to eat more so I'm going to offer you the same advice. I do not believe that overweight or obese people should have to starve/semi-starve in their quest for healing. You can damage your metabolism just like the next person by under eating for too long. Please consider checking out the total energy expenditure calculator I posted up thread as I think it's much more accurate than cronometer on calorie needs. I think if you can stay within a couple hundred calories of your total energy expenditure you might be able to lose weight slowly without damaging your metabolism.:)

Why would I be mad at you for suggesting that I eat more? It's a valid suggestion in my book. :)

I'm not intentionally starving myself or refusing to eat for fear of gaining weight. I'm so narrowly focused on my novel right now that I just don't think of eating much. Plus there's that pesky Real World that I have to deal with. I'm doing my best, but the world is crazy!

I am not so concerned about metabolic damage. I'm pretty screwed up already. It'd be hard to screw myself up even more than I was prior to embracing Peat principles, trust. I was pretty sure I'd be dead by 35 if I kept that ***t up for much longer. I've had 3 cousins die in their early 30s from various ailments: 2 from heart attacks and 1 from diabetes complications. Also a long history of heart failures, diabetes, obesity and blood clotting disorders on both sides of my family. As long as both of my feet are on the ground and I'm sucking air, that's good enough for me at this point.

That's not to say that don't aspire to improve my condition beyond "2 feet on the ground and sucking air" though. If I didn't, I wouldn't be posting here and trying to figure things out.

+1
Those low blood sugar readings look like you could use more carbs.

Probably so. I felt better today after consuming fruit and tea that was more honey than tea this morning, lol. I also had an appetite this evening and actually ate a real dinner instead of drinking a Pepsi for dinner.

 

[Blossom]

I felt better today after consuming fruit and tea that was more honey than tea this morning, lol. I also had an appetite this evening and actually ate a real dinner instead of drinking a Pepsi for dinner.

 

[Nova]

Musical Stylings:


"My mind has changed / My body's frame, but, God, I like it / My heart's aflame /My body's strained, but, God, I like it."

Love those lyrics and find them especially fitting for my journey.

Other thangs:

I've been really locked onto addressing certain issues in my healing journey. This is how I can tell that I'm turning a corner. I've always been a very linear thinking person. I am very big on concepts and I do my best construct frameworks of understanding. I like for things to "fit" neatly into my proposed framework. The flipside of this is that I have a hard time accepting what I don't understand.

If I don't understand something immediately, I become very obsessed about figuring it out. Tracing everything back to the beginning, the roots, so to say. Taking notes (OMG, teh noteage!). Spending hours and days and weeks reading and writing epic essays and scrawled journal entries while half-asleep at 3am.

This is another obstacle of sorts on my journey. I'm not fighting it or even attempting to overcome my nature. It's harnessing the passion, centering the focus, exercising discernment...

However, when left unchecked, my obsessive drive to understand can utterly stall my journey. I want knowledge, I want to be able to fit that knowledge into increments, create strategies. Basically, I want to build this mofo, lol. I'm recreating myself currently. Regeneration is the next phase.

It may be bad form to quote one's self, but pffffffft, I'm doing it anyway. :p

My obsession to understand my journey and build upon my framework of Recreation/Regeneration/Optimization/Realization has led me to strange places.

When I first started Peating, I watched A LOT of motivational type videos and documentaries. I felt like I had to do so to maintain a positive mindset at that time. My life really fell apart early on in the summer and Peating was like this thing I started doing to "save" myself, in a way. I received zero support from the few people left in my life at that time. Stress was killing me not-so-slowly.

A lot of what I listened to/watched during that period of time reminded me of things that I learned during my stint as a churchgoing Christian during most of my 20s. I walked away from my old life of drinking, drugs, and a shitty relationship at 22 and ended up going to church after a chance encounter with someone. That someone has a lot of meaning to me, still to this day, even though our current relationship is very strained.

During my time as a churchgoing, bible studying, follower of Jesus, I encountered the great mental death of religion. Perhaps death is too strong a term. Spiritually induced parabiosis, how's that for a technical term?

I came across an RP quote in my notes yesterday:

Ordinarily, organisms react to stress with increased activity of the appropriate functional system, but when the stress is inescapable, organisms adopt the strategy of decreasing their demands, as in hibernation or the defensive inhibition that has been called parabiosis, the state of being “not fully alive.” [source]

The church I went to was very different from most. The pastoral staff were very into learning, studying, analyzing and were generally excellent at hitting us with insight. Yet most of the people didn't really embrace that. They just wanted the safe, familiar versions of the same stories they'd been hearing since childhood. The kind Jesus with his righteous anger who was going to save the world after destroying everything in it. The same social structures, the same people, the rules that enforced their moral code were strict and almost unbearable for me.

I felt like my mind was being strangled by God, in a sense. Trying to pass every thought through the filter of an ancient book whilst talking to myself proved to be exhausting. I had a few near mental breakdowns.

I wasn't fully alive and neither were they. Sure, they were mostly healthy crunchy types who introduced me to all sorts of concepts that I'd never have considered on my own. They were always purifying themselves, obsessing over supposed Biblical mandates about cleanliness and healing themselves from ailments I'd never heard of. So I guess even though I left that community, until recently I still spent a fair amount of mental energy hating that they influenced my journey so much.

How does this tie into my obsessive quest for deeper understanding?

It led me to Peating. Without my encounters with that community, I'd never have stepped onto the path I'm currently on. I'm grateful for my time spent there despite the crap that happened when I decided to leave. If I'd never had to argue with them about certain things, I wouldn't have invested as deeply as I have in my current journey.

Part of me still feels like I have to convince the people who were the hardest on me that I'm not full of crap. I know from experience that it is difficult to sway opinion, let alone challenge convictions. I've always found it to be a shame that most Christ-believers that I know/knew, people who believe in spiritual rebirth and "new lives in Christ" and His awesome healing powers are a rather stiff lot. Not a lot of plasticity, not a lot of willingness to go out on limbs, not a lot of original thought or willingness to have their own thoughts.

Healing is real, but it ain't the laying of hands and swallowing herbal concoctions that one of the elders is trying to pass as a cure-all "straight from Yahweh".

Most people never know what it is to be truly alive and fully human. I aim to be both and never look back upon my dead years. I will be risen, lol. Imo, I think that is the gist of the Jesus narrative: Jesus was truly alive and fully human (except for he was also God, which is an area best left to theologians). He wanted all of mankind to be as He was. I imagine He experienced a sort of loneliness that is difficult to identify with. Being the only living being in a world full of death and decay.

Why must we accept such degeneration as a matter of course? I refuse to do so and that is the "it" that drives my journey. This is why I desire deeper understanding and can't seem to put my mind to rest. I'm relentless in pursuit of understanding and knowledge.

My novel is going to be a reflection of this pursuit of understanding. I've been re-reading a lot of RP articles and older Peat-related stuff that I had saved over the last year or so. I'm actually thinking of just writing about Peat-related topics and my theories about such things.

********************

More later, must re-enter the world of the barely undead....

 

[Nova]

Musical Stylings:


I find this song soothing. It's hard for any band to cover the Beatles and do the original tracks justice. This cover comes pretty close. It's unique, they went for a darker, more muted take instead of going upbeat and happy.

Somehow, GBC captured the feeling of the song, it seems more honest, closer to the intent of the original. I always found "Here Comes The Sun" to be a dark song because it implies that the sun (hope) is somehow not there, "...it seems like years since it's been here" and "...it seems like years since it's been clear". People tend to interpret it as a carefree tune, but it really isn't, imo. It's one of the first truly melancholic tunes disguised as a pop.

*********

I FINALLY GOT SOME SLEEP LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!

Oh how glorious slumber is! May I sing its praises.....

OTOH, my blood sugar levels were low again last night and this morning.

10pm, I tested at 76, which is closer to normal for me but I still felt weak, tired.

6am, I tested at 69, which is almost as low as it was the other night when I freaked out. I was seeing flashes of color every time I closed my eyes this morning. And I was so damn cold. I drank tea with lots of honey, apple juice and ate a bowl of pineapple with some fat free yogurt.

Still nothing, tested at 70 at 7:30am. Still shaking and seeing flashes of color in my vision.

I just tested myself again and I'm only at 72. WTF? I am really not happy about these crazy dips in the morning. I am functional above 75, usually hover between 80-85 since Peating and haven't really experienced these sort of dips in a long time. Prior to Peating, I was supervigilant about avoiding crashes, dips, and spikes because I have had blackouts and seizures from this sort of thing before. Since Peating, I've continued to be vigilant. I space my fructose and sugar consumption throughout the day. I take caution not to consume too much fruit, honey, juice or anything sweet at one time.

Now it seems I'm constantly low or just above what I consider to be acceptable for me personally. grrrrrr....

I'm through tracking kcal for now because that was just adding to my stress again. I've confirmed that I'm not eating enough. Caloric restriction is required to lose weight and I've always struggled with that in the past. It's just as easy to overeat "healthy" snacks like granola bars, salted cashews, and other such things as it is for me to overeat Oreos and other monstrosities of modern food science. I was indulging in trigger snacks when I first started Peating. I didn't lose much when I was indulging and I was getting pissed...so I decided to cut all of those snacks out.

That's when I realized that I was basically dependent upon those snacks to meet my daily recs according to Cronomnometer. I never did replace them with anything, because I was so focused on losing weight. I didn't really stop to think about the other effects that may follow. I have a feeling that the snacks were only a small part of the problem.

Anyway, I don't think that is unhealthy to operate in chronic caloric deficit...but this sort of thing needs to be paired with optimal nutrition. That's what the "CRON" in Cronometer stand for, Caloric Restriction Optimal Nutrition. If you're going to cut calories, you need to take care to get nutrition through supplementation. I never really gave that much thought until recently. I used to take liquid multis. When I ran out, I decided not to buy anymore. Didn't think I needed them, foolishly.

So today I need to make some decisions about supplementation and start working on reaching Optimal Nutrition status. I don't want to eat more at the moment, not until I get this blood sugar bs sorted out. Also, I need to address my activity needs. It's about to turn cold here, which means that I won't be able to walk as much. Unless global warming is real again?

I just wasn't made for this climate, I don't think. I'm considering getting myself a 23&me analysis for my upcoming birthday. I'm becoming such a health nerd, lol.

Positive Monday vibes to all. <3

 

[Nova]

Musical Stylings:


"...But I can't run away from what I am."

This song captures something deep within me. I identify with the message. Not being accepted for what I am, always being on the outside. It never mattered how smart or funny or nice I was. Growing up, the only thing that people consistently commented on was my looks. I looked different and that's a hard pill to swallow as a child in small town white America.

Even within my own family, I was an outsider. I don't look like my sisters. I don't even look like my own mother. I strongly favor my father and his people, whoever they are. My father's father cut off all ties with his ancestry as a young man. He left home during the Great Depression and never really spoke of his family origins again. All I have to go on is hearsay from drunken tales and best estimated guesses.

Carrying the burden of difference without the justification of past for an entire lifetime, that's what it is. I can never escape the whispers as I look into the mirror. I don't hate my looks or anything. I operate with the knowledge that is part of who I am and that no matter what I do, that's part of my truth. As I've been Peating and losing weight, the Native side of my appearance is becoming even more apparent. I don't look like my avatar yet, but I have an inkling that I will be somewhat Pocahontas-like after awhile.

**********************

Other:

Blood sugar was unstable all day yesterday. Highest reading was 78, which was right before bed. That's close to normal and I felt okay...but that was after an evening of low blood sugar symptoms and raging bitchiness. This morning, I was at 70 and I still feel yucky. I can hear the wolves of depression howling in the distance. They're coming for me if I don't get this ***t settled soon.

Yesterday, I got some crappy news from one of my nieces. Her doctors are urging her to have an abortion. Her baby girl had a massive stroke in utero last week. . The problem is we live in a red state, surrounded by other red states mostly. Late term abortion (or induced delivery prior to viability of survival) is illegal here. She will have to travel ~1,000 miles to another state to have the procedure. If she decides to go through with it. She really wants this baby, her boyfriend does not...so who knows where that will end up?

I had a small unofficial memorial ceremony for a niece that may never know this world last night. I released a little pink balloon and watched it float over the trees. Then I meditated on the nature of loss. I'm no stranger to loss. I struggle so valiantly to hold onto people, because I know the pain of loss and try to protect myself from it all costs.

These days, I focus on living. But then I wonder what for? What's the point of getting healthy, living a full life, if the people that I love the most are not really a part of it?

Ugh, emotional processing in the AM is too much for me. I'm off to caffeinate myself.