I'm so sorry to hear about this Nova.
-
By using this site you agree to the terms, rules, and privacy policy.
-
Charlie's Restoration Giveaway #2 (Entire Home EMF Mitigation & Protection Along With Personal Protection) - Click Here To Enter
-
Dear Carnivore Dieters, A Muscle Meat Only Diet is Extremely Healing Because it is a Low "vitamin A" Diet. This is Why it Works so Well...
Rest the rest of this post by clicking here
-
The Forum is transitioning to a subscription-based membership model - Click Here To Read
Click Here if you want to upgrade your account
If you were able to post but cannot do so now, send an email to admin at raypeatforum dot com and include your username and we will fix that right up for you.
Nova: The Very Far Off Broadway Not-Musical
- Thread starter Nova
- Start date
SQu
Member
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2014
- Messages
- 1,308
That's heartbreaking.
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
Condolences appreciated. @Blossom @SQu
******************
Today wasn't good or bad. It was really kind of blah. Blood sugar levels were wonky again. Shot up to 104 after lunch. Not dangerously high or anything, but higher than my average. Averages can change though. Maybe I should try to maintain higher levels for awhile, as long as they are in a safe range...I felt warm and maybe that's good. I've crashed this evening though, pretty sure I'm gonna test low tonight.
Managed to eat 3 meals and a snack today. Progress? I'm pretty sure that I'm still undereating though. I didn't finish lunch or dinner. I've gotten more protein than usual, so that's positive. I'm trying to stay positive about something today. Even if it's just protein consumption, I've got pat myself on the back, lol.
*******************
Other:
It seems like old wounds may be opening up. I've had some deep realizations recently and I'm trying to feel my way through them. I don't know if I have it in me to prune my heart-vines again so soon. I just cut those ****ers back so my heart-flowers could grow during the summer, lol.
My face is starting to break out. Yay...NOT. I think it may be my new soap. Maybe it's too aggressive? Gonna try something else for a few days and see if things clear up. If it's not that, then I'm probably gonna get a visit from the Crimson Lady soon. Whoooooooooo.
Good night, adios. <3
******************
Today wasn't good or bad. It was really kind of blah. Blood sugar levels were wonky again. Shot up to 104 after lunch. Not dangerously high or anything, but higher than my average. Averages can change though. Maybe I should try to maintain higher levels for awhile, as long as they are in a safe range...I felt warm and maybe that's good. I've crashed this evening though, pretty sure I'm gonna test low tonight.
Managed to eat 3 meals and a snack today. Progress? I'm pretty sure that I'm still undereating though. I didn't finish lunch or dinner. I've gotten more protein than usual, so that's positive. I'm trying to stay positive about something today. Even if it's just protein consumption, I've got pat myself on the back, lol.
*******************
Other:
It seems like old wounds may be opening up. I've had some deep realizations recently and I'm trying to feel my way through them. I don't know if I have it in me to prune my heart-vines again so soon. I just cut those ****ers back so my heart-flowers could grow during the summer, lol.
My face is starting to break out. Yay...NOT. I think it may be my new soap. Maybe it's too aggressive? Gonna try something else for a few days and see if things clear up. If it's not that, then I'm probably gonna get a visit from the Crimson Lady soon. Whoooooooooo.
Good night, adios. <3
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
Musical Stylings:
Just a beautiful sad song. Emotionally capturing. I find the video riveting and the story grabs me in my heart every time. Sob city...I understand it. This is kind of how I feel most of the time. Walking around the town, through the pages of my memories. Of better times, of different times, of the past. I refuse to be haunted by those specters. Yet sometimes it's unavoidable.
Sometimes, it just seems like maybe we can go somewhere else. Some other plane of existence. If only we could break through...
I spent a fair amount of time trying to travel through such planes. Mind expansion and such. Mostly I found my experiences to be unsatisfying. They are never the same as memories, never any better either. It's a false sort of living, living in memories. They feel so real, but they aren't. Touching another, you'll pass right through them. Or at least I did. That was speaking with a ghost, I believe.
The boundary between living and not is rather permeable anyway. That's why it is so easy for humans to slip into varying states of parabiosis, imho. Fighting the death instinct is a peculiar preoccupation of humanity. We are trained not to "lie down and give up", one should always resist the urge to die. But might death be preferable in some contexts, some situations?
Meh, I'm not so convinced that I'm a good person. Sometimes I have really dark thoughts that make me question if I've really changed from the person I used to be.
I can't stop thinking about my niece and nieceling. My heart aches for both of them. I wish that she would come home, she wants to come "visit" her grandparents. OTOH, I don't really want the extra responsibility that would inevitably find its way to me if she does return home.
Ugh, family drama is the worst kind of drama.
********************
Blood sugar was 82 this morning! So I'm back to normal, it seems. I feel better, have some energy, plan on having a productive day to make up for the lazy blahs of the last few days.
Positive vibes on Hump Day.
Just a beautiful sad song. Emotionally capturing. I find the video riveting and the story grabs me in my heart every time. Sob city...I understand it. This is kind of how I feel most of the time. Walking around the town, through the pages of my memories. Of better times, of different times, of the past. I refuse to be haunted by those specters. Yet sometimes it's unavoidable.
Sometimes, it just seems like maybe we can go somewhere else. Some other plane of existence. If only we could break through...
I spent a fair amount of time trying to travel through such planes. Mind expansion and such. Mostly I found my experiences to be unsatisfying. They are never the same as memories, never any better either. It's a false sort of living, living in memories. They feel so real, but they aren't. Touching another, you'll pass right through them. Or at least I did. That was speaking with a ghost, I believe.
The boundary between living and not is rather permeable anyway. That's why it is so easy for humans to slip into varying states of parabiosis, imho. Fighting the death instinct is a peculiar preoccupation of humanity. We are trained not to "lie down and give up", one should always resist the urge to die. But might death be preferable in some contexts, some situations?
Meh, I'm not so convinced that I'm a good person. Sometimes I have really dark thoughts that make me question if I've really changed from the person I used to be.
I can't stop thinking about my niece and nieceling. My heart aches for both of them. I wish that she would come home, she wants to come "visit" her grandparents. OTOH, I don't really want the extra responsibility that would inevitably find its way to me if she does return home.
Ugh, family drama is the worst kind of drama.
********************
Blood sugar was 82 this morning! So I'm back to normal, it seems. I feel better, have some energy, plan on having a productive day to make up for the lazy blahs of the last few days.
Positive vibes on Hump Day.
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
"This is a storm that will pass..."
I think I'm taking myself too seriously.
I've always been prone to this sort of thing, it's a crucial flaw of mine. Taking myself too seriously is something that happens (imho) because I spend a lot of time alone. There's a real temptation to label spending time alone as "introversion" or "antisocial" or "reclusive". None of those things may actually be the case though, at least for me.
I was a very outgoing and goofy kid. Always making people laugh, usually smiling myself. It wasn't until I was about 8-9 that that began to change as the result some very terrible things that happened. Those things that happened, were very painful and they also caused me to question everything that I knew or felt. Until recently, I had turned myself completely off from the possibility of real relationships or connections.
Last night, I meditated for a long time. Traveled deep into the beyond realm, I suppose. I was seeking some resolution on the things I've been writing about here for the last few days, trying to push back those howling wolves of depression and dark thoughts that have been rising within me as of late.
Most of the dark thoughts have been in relation to continuing my healing journey. I could settle where I'm at right now and not have to change my life. I don't want to continue addressing the pain, I don't want to confront the memories of my suffering. I've made an artform out avoidance of such emotional dealings. Why go stirring the pot, as my late grandmother would say? If I can be satisfied with where I'm at, why pursue more?
Then I read something that shocked me out of that way of being:
"Pain is when you stub your toe. Suffering is when it bothers you that you stubbed your toe."
Pain isn't negative, it's a natural function of being alive. Suffering is when the pain becomes the focus and you can't let go of the pain. Or the world won't let you let go of the pain. The world thrives on suffering. It's built upon a foundation of the long-suffering sacrifices of our ancestors.
I feel that the latter is the case for me. I never wanted to hold onto the pain of the terrible things that happened to me as a little girl. But the world insisted that the pain of those things HAD to become a part of who I was/am. If I tried to block the pain, escape the pain, found a way to deal with the pain, moved onto a place beyond the pain..."oh you're just in denial." "you're being emotionally immature." "you need more therapy, more Jesus, more meds..."
The world insisted that I had to suffer and suffer well. So I became damaged goods, percolating in my pain, stewing in my suffering, for as long as I can remember. I was a depressed and suicidal teenager, tried to drink and snort my problems away as a young adult, played with pills for awhile, got into a couple of bull**** "relationships" with people who took advantage of me and treated me like ***t, got into Jesus and tried to substitute faith for all of the negative ***t, and ultimately I crashed hard when that was over.
I hold onto pain and memories far past the point of usefulness. I obsess, I analyze, I try to make sense of the senselessness of this world and my life. That's serious business, deep ***t.
My healing journey can no longer be defined by the pains I've experienced nor can it be filtered through the lens of my suffering. So much of what the western world refers to as identity is actually pain and suffering. People bitching about their pain, using the past as an excuse to focus on their pains until their pains become suffering and then the expectation is that the rest of humanity (if we're "decent") will feed into that endless narrative of suffering.
******************
I also had a really powerful meditation experience last night. I decided to try doing to some future visualization. I focused on traveling a year into the future. I didn't really get any deep insights but I did feel some things. It was autumn, a warm day with a breeze. I felt stronger and smaller. I was wearing tight jeans and boots and my hair was a lot longer than it currently is. Healthier too, like it used to be before my deranged hormones and goth phase destroyed it.
I felt happy, excited. Something was happening, but I can't say what. I just remember smiling and then I drifted back into my room, back to this tired old Real World. Somehow, the vision // experience was comforting. It didn't really solve my problems or answer my questions, but it gave me some hope, which in all honesty, is what I really need right now.
It's getting hard for me to see the supposed light at the end of tunnel. It's not that I want to give up, it's that I'm really tired, if that makes sense.
Good vibes to all on this fine Thursday. <3
I think I'm taking myself too seriously.
I've always been prone to this sort of thing, it's a crucial flaw of mine. Taking myself too seriously is something that happens (imho) because I spend a lot of time alone. There's a real temptation to label spending time alone as "introversion" or "antisocial" or "reclusive". None of those things may actually be the case though, at least for me.
I was a very outgoing and goofy kid. Always making people laugh, usually smiling myself. It wasn't until I was about 8-9 that that began to change as the result some very terrible things that happened. Those things that happened, were very painful and they also caused me to question everything that I knew or felt. Until recently, I had turned myself completely off from the possibility of real relationships or connections.
Last night, I meditated for a long time. Traveled deep into the beyond realm, I suppose. I was seeking some resolution on the things I've been writing about here for the last few days, trying to push back those howling wolves of depression and dark thoughts that have been rising within me as of late.
Most of the dark thoughts have been in relation to continuing my healing journey. I could settle where I'm at right now and not have to change my life. I don't want to continue addressing the pain, I don't want to confront the memories of my suffering. I've made an artform out avoidance of such emotional dealings. Why go stirring the pot, as my late grandmother would say? If I can be satisfied with where I'm at, why pursue more?
Then I read something that shocked me out of that way of being:
"Pain is when you stub your toe. Suffering is when it bothers you that you stubbed your toe."
Pain isn't negative, it's a natural function of being alive. Suffering is when the pain becomes the focus and you can't let go of the pain. Or the world won't let you let go of the pain. The world thrives on suffering. It's built upon a foundation of the long-suffering sacrifices of our ancestors.
I feel that the latter is the case for me. I never wanted to hold onto the pain of the terrible things that happened to me as a little girl. But the world insisted that the pain of those things HAD to become a part of who I was/am. If I tried to block the pain, escape the pain, found a way to deal with the pain, moved onto a place beyond the pain..."oh you're just in denial." "you're being emotionally immature." "you need more therapy, more Jesus, more meds..."
The world insisted that I had to suffer and suffer well. So I became damaged goods, percolating in my pain, stewing in my suffering, for as long as I can remember. I was a depressed and suicidal teenager, tried to drink and snort my problems away as a young adult, played with pills for awhile, got into a couple of bull**** "relationships" with people who took advantage of me and treated me like ***t, got into Jesus and tried to substitute faith for all of the negative ***t, and ultimately I crashed hard when that was over.
I hold onto pain and memories far past the point of usefulness. I obsess, I analyze, I try to make sense of the senselessness of this world and my life. That's serious business, deep ***t.
My healing journey can no longer be defined by the pains I've experienced nor can it be filtered through the lens of my suffering. So much of what the western world refers to as identity is actually pain and suffering. People bitching about their pain, using the past as an excuse to focus on their pains until their pains become suffering and then the expectation is that the rest of humanity (if we're "decent") will feed into that endless narrative of suffering.
******************
I also had a really powerful meditation experience last night. I decided to try doing to some future visualization. I focused on traveling a year into the future. I didn't really get any deep insights but I did feel some things. It was autumn, a warm day with a breeze. I felt stronger and smaller. I was wearing tight jeans and boots and my hair was a lot longer than it currently is. Healthier too, like it used to be before my deranged hormones and goth phase destroyed it.
I felt happy, excited. Something was happening, but I can't say what. I just remember smiling and then I drifted back into my room, back to this tired old Real World. Somehow, the vision // experience was comforting. It didn't really solve my problems or answer my questions, but it gave me some hope, which in all honesty, is what I really need right now.
It's getting hard for me to see the supposed light at the end of tunnel. It's not that I want to give up, it's that I'm really tired, if that makes sense.
Good vibes to all on this fine Thursday. <3
I really like this quote @Nova!
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
Musical Stylings:
When I'm trying to channel positivity, I like to listen to pop from earlier eras. Particularly the era I originally came of age in, the 90s-early 00s. This was the last era of honest musicians having fun playing music. Anymore, it's rare to see/hear bands jamming and enjoying the process. The Barenaked Ladies had a lot of hits, but this song has always been one of my favorites. It's so damn catchy. Also there's a subtle concept carried throughout the video, something I've never really seen or heard attempted elsewhere.
Mostly this sort of music just relaxes me. It's familiar, I can sing along to it, dance if I want to, lol. What ever happened to this sort of music? Oh I know. The white boys got all emotional and started whining en masse around 2003 and by 2007-08, pop music had been overrun by r&b and the cult of "authenticity". Which means that fun guitar driven pop is pretty much a thing of the past now. Boooooooo.
************************
@Blossom
Supposedly that quote is the essence of Buddism, according to the guy whose blog I quoted it from.
*************************
Yesterday, I was thinking about things that I've always wanted to do but have never done or haven't done in a very long time. Not bucket list type stuff, just everyday things. I was always too fat, didn't have the energy or stamina, didn't want to make a fool of myself, didn't want to take risks, whatever.
I want to skate. I used to rollerskate as a child, but I stopped around age 10. I was really heavy and it was hard for me to keep my balance. So I gave up skating. Just like soccer and so many other physical endeavors around that age. Lately, I've been thinking that I'm living in a place where it would be awesome to skate. So why don't I try it now? Or at least give some serious thought to skating again?
Playing the guitar? I love music and I'd love to be able to play an instrument. Plus it would be a good indoor hobby that I could focus on when it gets too cold for me to spend a lot of time outside.
Those are just two things that I'd like to try/do. I feel like I need more in my life. More mental stimulation, more physicality, more human contact. The last one, I am not ready for yet. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of having people in my life, of trying to make friends. Especially now.
I'm kind of like a butterfly, still in a cocoon. One day I'll emerge and I'll be ready for people to know me, ready for the rigors of maintaining human contact in meaningful ways. Right now, is not that time. I don't want the fat girl stigma haunting me in new relationships. I don't want people feeling sorry for me or trying to force connections for whatever reason.
Anyway, I'm doing a bit better today. I managed to eat 3 meals yesterday, drank 16oz of OJ, 20oz of milk, lots of green juice, and went for a long walk in a different area. Nice change of scenery for me and my canine co-pilot, lol. We walked for 4 miles and time just kind of disappeared on me. It was very freeing.
I've decided not to obsess over kcals or my blood sugar levels. Listening to my body is key. I know when I'm being pulled off the track, when I'm deliberately choosing NOT to do what is best for me. I have to develop the ability to correct myself during those times or else this journey will unravel right in front of me.
Positive vibes. TGIF.
When I'm trying to channel positivity, I like to listen to pop from earlier eras. Particularly the era I originally came of age in, the 90s-early 00s. This was the last era of honest musicians having fun playing music. Anymore, it's rare to see/hear bands jamming and enjoying the process. The Barenaked Ladies had a lot of hits, but this song has always been one of my favorites. It's so damn catchy. Also there's a subtle concept carried throughout the video, something I've never really seen or heard attempted elsewhere.
Mostly this sort of music just relaxes me. It's familiar, I can sing along to it, dance if I want to, lol. What ever happened to this sort of music? Oh I know. The white boys got all emotional and started whining en masse around 2003 and by 2007-08, pop music had been overrun by r&b and the cult of "authenticity". Which means that fun guitar driven pop is pretty much a thing of the past now. Boooooooo.
************************
@Blossom
Supposedly that quote is the essence of Buddism, according to the guy whose blog I quoted it from.
*************************
Yesterday, I was thinking about things that I've always wanted to do but have never done or haven't done in a very long time. Not bucket list type stuff, just everyday things. I was always too fat, didn't have the energy or stamina, didn't want to make a fool of myself, didn't want to take risks, whatever.
I want to skate. I used to rollerskate as a child, but I stopped around age 10. I was really heavy and it was hard for me to keep my balance. So I gave up skating. Just like soccer and so many other physical endeavors around that age. Lately, I've been thinking that I'm living in a place where it would be awesome to skate. So why don't I try it now? Or at least give some serious thought to skating again?
Playing the guitar? I love music and I'd love to be able to play an instrument. Plus it would be a good indoor hobby that I could focus on when it gets too cold for me to spend a lot of time outside.
Those are just two things that I'd like to try/do. I feel like I need more in my life. More mental stimulation, more physicality, more human contact. The last one, I am not ready for yet. I'm overwhelmed by the thought of having people in my life, of trying to make friends. Especially now.
I'm kind of like a butterfly, still in a cocoon. One day I'll emerge and I'll be ready for people to know me, ready for the rigors of maintaining human contact in meaningful ways. Right now, is not that time. I don't want the fat girl stigma haunting me in new relationships. I don't want people feeling sorry for me or trying to force connections for whatever reason.
Anyway, I'm doing a bit better today. I managed to eat 3 meals yesterday, drank 16oz of OJ, 20oz of milk, lots of green juice, and went for a long walk in a different area. Nice change of scenery for me and my canine co-pilot, lol. We walked for 4 miles and time just kind of disappeared on me. It was very freeing.
I've decided not to obsess over kcals or my blood sugar levels. Listening to my body is key. I know when I'm being pulled off the track, when I'm deliberately choosing NOT to do what is best for me. I have to develop the ability to correct myself during those times or else this journey will unravel right in front of me.
Positive vibes. TGIF.
Do you mind if I pry and ask what is in your green juice? I'm just curious because sometimes they put things like raw broccoli or kale in those drinks that can interfere with good thyroid function.
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
The ingredients as listed on the company website:
Juices (Celery*, Pear*, Apple*, Kale*, Lemon*, Fennel*, Ginger Root*)
There is kale in it.
I drink green juice because I'm not good about eating veggies. I kinda figured if I'm not going to eat veggies, I should at least drink them. Especially since I'm not taking vitamins or supplements at the moment. It's just me and my very limited HCLF diet. *sigh*
I feel like maybe I'm not Peating right...
The ingredients as listed on the company website:
Juices (Celery*, Pear*, Apple*, Kale*, Lemon*, Fennel*, Ginger Root*)
There is kale in it.
I drink green juice because I'm not good about eating veggies. I kinda figured if I'm not going to eat veggies, I should at least drink them. Especially since I'm not taking vitamins or supplements at the moment. It's just me and my very limited HCLF diet. *sigh*
I feel like maybe I'm not Peating right...
It's no big deal. :)
With Peat's emphasis on the thyroid we typically avoid having raw cruciferous vegetables on a regular basis. It's not like you are eating pounds of raw kale. If you are concerned about missing nutrition from not eating many vegetables you could make a greens broth. I'll try to find some links for you.
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
The bottle claims that there are like 4lbs of greens in each bottle. I've been going through 2 bottles/week. I don't drink it everyday. I originally started drinking it to help pad things out a bit. I can't drink a lot of OJ, because my body seems to have a limitation there.
Thing about not Peating right, well, I think that may be common knowledge to anyone who has read the last couple weeks of my ramblings here.
I tend to think of myself as having "extra room" to test the boundaries. I could lose 80-100 more lbs and then I'd just be in the upper ranges of normal BMI. So I tend not to worry so much about doing everything the technically correct Peat ways (insomuch as those exist.) I just tell myself that I'll worry about whatever damage I cause myself now, later. Figuring that it will somehow be easier to address such things at a lower weight with (hopefully) more financial resources than I currently possess.
I could be wrong, horribly wrong. I could be somewhat right, but missing pieces of the puzzle too. I also have a few theories that I'm working out in my head, theories that I'm wanting to test as I go along and after I get "there" (wherever "there" is).
Thank you for taking the time to look up that broth recipe. I'm saving the link and I will look over it later. :)
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
I've been reflecting upon what I wrote earlier today and I realized that I have a goal of sorts:
My goal is to be at, near or under 200lbs by March. That means I have to lose ~70lbs within the next 4 months or so. Dangerous, unhealthy, unethical weight loss, perhaps.
I don't compare my journey, my goals, to others on here or anywhere else. I think when I first discovered Peat, I did read a lot of things on here and around the interwebs that led me to believe that there was a certain way that I had to do things if I wanted to obtain certain results. As time passed, that sort of fell away as I realized that everyone is on their own journey. While my journey has some things in common with others, I think that is more helpful for me to focus on contrast instead of comparison.
This really isn't a forum for those who need to be led or convinced anyway, imho. If you're looking for lists, how tos, and all of that, Peat // CRON HCLF (my preferred term) probably isn't for you.
For me, pursing this path has required countless hours of research, reading, digesting, and experimentation. I knew that going in and I'm well-aware of it now that I've been attempting to stay on this path for the last 4-5 months. There's nothing easy about it and very little fun either. That's why I focus so much on my mindset, maintaining motivation, finding joy in small moments, staying active, meditation, etc.
I just want this phase of my journey to be over with. I want to get to a place where I can actually start healing, rejuvenating, regenerating, and optimizing. I feel like I've got to get to a healthier BMI / weight before I can do any of that. I read the threads and blogs where people drop massive amounts of weight and/or rid themselves of chronic conditions and report damn-near miracles. They're alive, vibrant, hopeful.
I want THAT. I'm not doing this to take it slow and see where it goes. I have an urgency, a deep need to start living. My entire life, I've been the fat kid // friend. I've dragged 200 or so extra pounds around for long enough. I'm sick of it, and it's making me sick. I feel like I have to do what I have to do, even if it's extreme, to rid myself of this burden before I go crazy or die.
This weight is holding me back. Right now, I'm stuck in between a rock and hard place. Supplementation is an obvious need, but I'm uncertain that I'm ready for it. Mostly because I know that as long as I'm rocking a BMI of 40+, I'll need to take more than the bare minimums and recommended doses. I can't afford to burn through supplements like some folks can. Everything that I do, has to be planned. I'm very detail-oriented and that boils down to me spending hours crunching numbers on the specifics like dosage and cost.
To supplement a body as large as mine, with my specific issues, requires 2x-3x much of most things. Whereas if I wait until I'm closer to normal, I can actually afford to take everything. Plus there's a matter of results. I'm not willing to spend money on supplements that I probably won't absorb or get the full effects from. I talked about this before and it's a legitimate concern of mine. If one spends enough time on this forum or on the alt.health fringe of the web, there is talk of poor absorption, digestive woes, liver pains, gut dysbiosis, acquired intolerance, thyroid wreckage and a million other things that make figuring this supplementation stuff out seem like a Sisyphean task.
I think the keys for me are much more basic. I've spent the last month or so giving this a fair amount of thought. I believe that I can reach a state of optimal health, but I know that my path is going to be different. Restoring my fertility will inevitable open up other issues, since I've never been fertile or hormonally / metabolically normal. I don't know how my body or my mind will react and that scares the ***t out of me.
That's what the whole second puberty thing is really about: me facing the facts. Part of those facts for me are that it's easier to focus on the weight loss because it helps me to avoid the other stuff that I can't deal with right now.
My goal is to be at, near or under 200lbs by March. That means I have to lose ~70lbs within the next 4 months or so. Dangerous, unhealthy, unethical weight loss, perhaps.
I don't compare my journey, my goals, to others on here or anywhere else. I think when I first discovered Peat, I did read a lot of things on here and around the interwebs that led me to believe that there was a certain way that I had to do things if I wanted to obtain certain results. As time passed, that sort of fell away as I realized that everyone is on their own journey. While my journey has some things in common with others, I think that is more helpful for me to focus on contrast instead of comparison.
This really isn't a forum for those who need to be led or convinced anyway, imho. If you're looking for lists, how tos, and all of that, Peat // CRON HCLF (my preferred term) probably isn't for you.
For me, pursing this path has required countless hours of research, reading, digesting, and experimentation. I knew that going in and I'm well-aware of it now that I've been attempting to stay on this path for the last 4-5 months. There's nothing easy about it and very little fun either. That's why I focus so much on my mindset, maintaining motivation, finding joy in small moments, staying active, meditation, etc.
I just want this phase of my journey to be over with. I want to get to a place where I can actually start healing, rejuvenating, regenerating, and optimizing. I feel like I've got to get to a healthier BMI / weight before I can do any of that. I read the threads and blogs where people drop massive amounts of weight and/or rid themselves of chronic conditions and report damn-near miracles. They're alive, vibrant, hopeful.
I want THAT. I'm not doing this to take it slow and see where it goes. I have an urgency, a deep need to start living. My entire life, I've been the fat kid // friend. I've dragged 200 or so extra pounds around for long enough. I'm sick of it, and it's making me sick. I feel like I have to do what I have to do, even if it's extreme, to rid myself of this burden before I go crazy or die.
This weight is holding me back. Right now, I'm stuck in between a rock and hard place. Supplementation is an obvious need, but I'm uncertain that I'm ready for it. Mostly because I know that as long as I'm rocking a BMI of 40+, I'll need to take more than the bare minimums and recommended doses. I can't afford to burn through supplements like some folks can. Everything that I do, has to be planned. I'm very detail-oriented and that boils down to me spending hours crunching numbers on the specifics like dosage and cost.
To supplement a body as large as mine, with my specific issues, requires 2x-3x much of most things. Whereas if I wait until I'm closer to normal, I can actually afford to take everything. Plus there's a matter of results. I'm not willing to spend money on supplements that I probably won't absorb or get the full effects from. I talked about this before and it's a legitimate concern of mine. If one spends enough time on this forum or on the alt.health fringe of the web, there is talk of poor absorption, digestive woes, liver pains, gut dysbiosis, acquired intolerance, thyroid wreckage and a million other things that make figuring this supplementation stuff out seem like a Sisyphean task.
I think the keys for me are much more basic. I've spent the last month or so giving this a fair amount of thought. I believe that I can reach a state of optimal health, but I know that my path is going to be different. Restoring my fertility will inevitable open up other issues, since I've never been fertile or hormonally / metabolically normal. I don't know how my body or my mind will react and that scares the ***t out of me.
That's what the whole second puberty thing is really about: me facing the facts. Part of those facts for me are that it's easier to focus on the weight loss because it helps me to avoid the other stuff that I can't deal with right now.
Last edited:
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
Musical Stylings:
Happy Halloween!
I wanted to post something Halloweenesque today. Get in the mood for my favorite holiday. I've been dancing around to this sort of stuff all weekend.
*************************
So maybe I was in the midst of a freakout on Friday?
I had this feeling that my cycle was on its way and it finally showed up this weekend. So kinda yay for that, 2 months in a row!
However, periods still suck, so I'm not enthused. Just glad to be a baby step closer to normal, I guess.
My skin issues are awful. I'm currently the amazing baroness of bacneland. Ughhhhh..... I have a spot on my left upper back that has been plaguing me for several days. It's one of those hardcore skin-rippy things. I can't reach it to pop it or even doctor it. I've resorted to scratching it with a hot fork. Now I have those fork marks all over my back and shoulder and those are itchy too. Jeez, I can't win.
**************************
I decided to go back to the drawing board with my health journey. I think I had some splinters and logs in my eye, wasn't seeing the forest for the trees, etc. Panic mode, truthfully.
I have issues because I cut corners. Impromptu shortcuts will never yield optimal results in the health realm. I know this, believe it. Yet I don't take it to heart and apply it in my life. Maybe that's the haste of youthfulness, lol? I may be over 30, but sometimes I'm a spastic 13 year old. Everything is really intense for me, a lot of the emotional stuff is completely alien to me. Not all of my command centers are fully operational and online.
I'm just taking it one day at a time. I would like some feedback though, if anyone wants to give it. I don't want to overwhelm people with my intensity or all of the heavy emotional stuff all of the time. I'm actually a pretty laidback person IRL.
I have something I'd like to ask about today. This is a topic I've been researching for awhile now.. I will take a look at any related resources that you are willing to share. :)
Acetyl CoA and the Citric Acid Cycle -- If one does not have sufficient CoA, how does this affect the Citric Acid Cycle? In turn, how would low CoA levels impact someone consuming a HCLF diet? Due to a long sordid history of issues with citric acid, I avoided all products and produce containing such things for years. Painful mouth sores, itchy facial breakouts, horrid indigestion, stomach cramps and vomiting spells were my rewards for consuming such things. Since I started Peating, I've slowly trained myself to tolerate small amounts of OJ. No more than a few ounces at a time, no more than 16oz spread out through the day.
I've always wondered why I had this peculiar issue. No one else had ever heard of it, my doctors have never been able to explain it, and even the internet is fairly quiet on the topic. A few months ago, I came across THIS BLOG. I pocketed it and it quickly became buried. I came across it again recently while sorting through my Pocket account. The author claims to have cured themselves of citric acid intolerance and severe digestive upsets by taking a certain supplement that supports the production of Acetyl CoA.
I'm thinking that I should try this before committing to anything else along the way. Acetyl CoA is vital in many metabolic processes and if I'm not producing enough on my own, this is going to continue to cause issues down the road. Plus this citric acid issue is preventing me from being able to consume sufficient OJ and limits the amount of fruit that I can comfortably eat. Hell, even vinegar cleanses can turn nasty, as I've previously experienced.
I also think that maybe insufficient acetyl CoA is an issue for others around here as well. Some of what is often attributed to imbalances of gut bacteria, digestive issues and the like could be a lack of acetyl CoA that is impairing the function of the citric acid cycle. Some may be experiencing gut irritation and inflammation and such due to drops in acetyl CoA production or insufficient production to handle higher levels of citric acid and lower levels of cholesterol in the diet as time goes on. Perhaps they may be experiencing issues from the start like I have due to an existing deficiency of acetyl CoA.
I'm not sure about the stuff in the last paragraph though, it's all theoretical. Grains of salt, please take several.
Excellent Monday Halloween vibes to all!
Happy Halloween!
I wanted to post something Halloweenesque today. Get in the mood for my favorite holiday. I've been dancing around to this sort of stuff all weekend.
*************************
So maybe I was in the midst of a freakout on Friday?
I had this feeling that my cycle was on its way and it finally showed up this weekend. So kinda yay for that, 2 months in a row!
However, periods still suck, so I'm not enthused. Just glad to be a baby step closer to normal, I guess.
My skin issues are awful. I'm currently the amazing baroness of bacneland. Ughhhhh....
. I have a spot on my left upper back that has been plaguing me for several days. It's one of those hardcore skin-rippy things. I can't reach it to pop it or even doctor it. I've resorted to scratching it with a hot fork. Now I have those fork marks all over my back and shoulder and those are itchy too. Jeez, I can't win.**************************
I decided to go back to the drawing board with my health journey. I think I had some splinters and logs in my eye, wasn't seeing the forest for the trees, etc. Panic mode, truthfully.
I have issues because I cut corners. Impromptu shortcuts will never yield optimal results in the health realm. I know this, believe it. Yet I don't take it to heart and apply it in my life. Maybe that's the haste of youthfulness, lol? I may be over 30, but sometimes I'm a spastic 13 year old. Everything is really intense for me, a lot of the emotional stuff is completely alien to me. Not all of my command centers are fully operational and online.
I'm just taking it one day at a time. I would like some feedback though, if anyone wants to give it. I don't want to overwhelm people with my intensity or all of the heavy emotional stuff all of the time. I'm actually a pretty laidback person IRL.
I have something I'd like to ask about today. This is a topic I've been researching for awhile now.. I will take a look at any related resources that you are willing to share. :)
Acetyl CoA and the Citric Acid Cycle -- If one does not have sufficient CoA, how does this affect the Citric Acid Cycle? In turn, how would low CoA levels impact someone consuming a HCLF diet? Due to a long sordid history of issues with citric acid, I avoided all products and produce containing such things for years. Painful mouth sores, itchy facial breakouts, horrid indigestion, stomach cramps and vomiting spells were my rewards for consuming such things. Since I started Peating, I've slowly trained myself to tolerate small amounts of OJ. No more than a few ounces at a time, no more than 16oz spread out through the day.
I've always wondered why I had this peculiar issue. No one else had ever heard of it, my doctors have never been able to explain it, and even the internet is fairly quiet on the topic. A few months ago, I came across THIS BLOG. I pocketed it and it quickly became buried. I came across it again recently while sorting through my Pocket account. The author claims to have cured themselves of citric acid intolerance and severe digestive upsets by taking a certain supplement that supports the production of Acetyl CoA.
I'm thinking that I should try this before committing to anything else along the way. Acetyl CoA is vital in many metabolic processes and if I'm not producing enough on my own, this is going to continue to cause issues down the road. Plus this citric acid issue is preventing me from being able to consume sufficient OJ and limits the amount of fruit that I can comfortably eat. Hell, even vinegar cleanses can turn nasty, as I've previously experienced.
I also think that maybe insufficient acetyl CoA is an issue for others around here as well. Some of what is often attributed to imbalances of gut bacteria, digestive issues and the like could be a lack of acetyl CoA that is impairing the function of the citric acid cycle. Some may be experiencing gut irritation and inflammation and such due to drops in acetyl CoA production or insufficient production to handle higher levels of citric acid and lower levels of cholesterol in the diet as time goes on. Perhaps they may be experiencing issues from the start like I have due to an existing deficiency of acetyl CoA.
I'm not sure about the stuff in the last paragraph though, it's all theoretical. Grains of salt, please take several.
Excellent Monday Halloween vibes to all!
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
@Blossom @tara
I checked out that energy expenditure calculator last night. :)
Results:
Basal Metabolic Rate: 1,877 kcal
Total Energy Expenditure: 3,550 kcal
I'm not sure what to do with this information. TEE-BMR? That's 1,673 kcal.
My previous week's worth of tracking kcal revealed that I was consistently under that amount, which is why I've been losing weight in a rapid fashion these last couple of months.
I also looked into protein calculators. I know that I'm not getting enough protein and I'm not sure that my current lapsed protein dreams of 100g/day were really hacking it anyway. Different calculators use different measurements within the range of 0.8-1.8 g/kg of body weight, with most skewing lower for women. However, I'm fairly active and I'm overweight...also, I'm trying to focus on healing and rebuilding, so protein is a must.
My recommended protein levels? 210g-250g/day. That's a lot of freakin' protein.
I also read somewhere on the forums about a carb/protein ratio of 2:1. If that's accurate, then that would put me at 420g-500g carbs/day.
I'm finally getting somewhere! Strategy, ahoy? I sure as hell hope so.
They always say that hindsight is 20/20 and I'm inclined to agree in terms of my adventure into Peat-land. I had a basic grasp of concepts, have been transitioning to HCLF, but overlooked or downplayed a lot of other things in the process. I've decided to scrap most of my previous plans and also decided to stop stressing so much about money and supplementation. I can figure things out if I take the time, do the math and stop freaking out every 10 minutes or so.
I checked out that energy expenditure calculator last night. :)
Results:
Basal Metabolic Rate: 1,877 kcal
Total Energy Expenditure: 3,550 kcal
I'm not sure what to do with this information. TEE-BMR? That's 1,673 kcal.
My previous week's worth of tracking kcal revealed that I was consistently under that amount, which is why I've been losing weight in a rapid fashion these last couple of months.
I also looked into protein calculators. I know that I'm not getting enough protein and I'm not sure that my current lapsed protein dreams of 100g/day were really hacking it anyway. Different calculators use different measurements within the range of 0.8-1.8 g/kg of body weight, with most skewing lower for women. However, I'm fairly active and I'm overweight...also, I'm trying to focus on healing and rebuilding, so protein is a must.
My recommended protein levels? 210g-250g/day. That's a lot of freakin' protein.
I also read somewhere on the forums about a carb/protein ratio of 2:1. If that's accurate, then that would put me at 420g-500g carbs/day.
I'm finally getting somewhere! Strategy, ahoy? I sure as hell hope so.
They always say that hindsight is 20/20 and I'm inclined to agree in terms of my adventure into Peat-land. I had a basic grasp of concepts, have been transitioning to HCLF, but overlooked or downplayed a lot of other things in the process. I've decided to scrap most of my previous plans and also decided to stop stressing so much about money and supplementation. I can figure things out if I take the time, do the math and stop freaking out every 10 minutes or so.
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
Musical Stylings:
AM dancing material. DANCE ON!!!
******************************
It's frustrating to know that you're supposed to do something, but that the current moment in time is not THE TIME to do said thing. Instead, you must wait. Patience, my virtuous acquaintance and sometimes adversary...
When I started down this path, I had a lot of ideas. And a lot of hope. I'm rarely a hopeful sort of person. Life has taught me that hope was rarely rewarded. It was best to be cynical. Little hope, never express your personal truths to the outside world. Disappointment is personal and is better left to a party of one in a darkened room. Scribble about it in your diary, post about it on Facebook or Tumblr in cryptic and possibly morose terms and move the **** on.
These days, I still have ideas but I'm diminishing the importance that I give to my hopefulness. If I do anything, it has to be for me. Not because I want someone else to notice. Not for someone else entirely either. Not because of some vision or dream that I've had. Not to vindicate myself in the eyes of a few people who gave up on me along the way.
It's hard though, to process all of that by myself. Which is why I started this log a few weeks ago. Most (but not all) of this process is related to the changes I've made since I learned about the work and theories of Ray Peat and the various experiments, theories and thoughts of those on this forum. There really isn't anywhere else to go and talk about how these things have effected me.
Yet I'm questioning my willingness to keep expressing myself here. I feel stupid when I read a lot of the threads. I don't really have anything to contribute to most discussions. I have a base-level understanding of Peat's work, a working person's worldly science "education", and some personal theories. That's about it.
So I post here on my log, and this is starting to feel...Well, I really had to push myself to keep posting after my bs last week. Posting on this log is my way of checking in, even if no one takes note of my presence in the moment. I tell myself that someday this log will help someone in some way and that's why I should keep doing it. Even if the only person it helps in this moment is me.
*******************
Hump Day vibes!
AM dancing material. DANCE ON!!!
******************************
It's frustrating to know that you're supposed to do something, but that the current moment in time is not THE TIME to do said thing. Instead, you must wait. Patience, my virtuous acquaintance and sometimes adversary...
When I started down this path, I had a lot of ideas. And a lot of hope. I'm rarely a hopeful sort of person. Life has taught me that hope was rarely rewarded. It was best to be cynical. Little hope, never express your personal truths to the outside world. Disappointment is personal and is better left to a party of one in a darkened room. Scribble about it in your diary, post about it on Facebook or Tumblr in cryptic and possibly morose terms and move the **** on.
These days, I still have ideas but I'm diminishing the importance that I give to my hopefulness. If I do anything, it has to be for me. Not because I want someone else to notice. Not for someone else entirely either. Not because of some vision or dream that I've had. Not to vindicate myself in the eyes of a few people who gave up on me along the way.
It's hard though, to process all of that by myself. Which is why I started this log a few weeks ago. Most (but not all) of this process is related to the changes I've made since I learned about the work and theories of Ray Peat and the various experiments, theories and thoughts of those on this forum. There really isn't anywhere else to go and talk about how these things have effected me.
Yet I'm questioning my willingness to keep expressing myself here. I feel stupid when I read a lot of the threads. I don't really have anything to contribute to most discussions. I have a base-level understanding of Peat's work, a working person's worldly science "education", and some personal theories. That's about it.
So I post here on my log, and this is starting to feel...Well, I really had to push myself to keep posting after my bs last week. Posting on this log is my way of checking in, even if no one takes note of my presence in the moment. I tell myself that someday this log will help someone in some way and that's why I should keep doing it. Even if the only person it helps in this moment is me.
*******************
Hump Day vibes!
I'm glad your journaling here about your experience. As long as it feels right for you I think it is valuable and could potentially help someone else.
The reason I don't have much input is because I'm recovered from a restrictive eating disorder so I'm in no position to talk about dieting and weight loss.
I wouldn't worry about feeling like you don't have a lot to contribute. We have lots of different people that post here. Many contribute mostly scientific type information others more knowledge from personal experience and some a combination of both. So whatever way you feel like sharing is appreciated.
The reason I don't have much input is because I'm recovered from a restrictive eating disorder so I'm in no position to talk about dieting and weight loss.
I wouldn't worry about feeling like you don't have a lot to contribute. We have lots of different people that post here. Many contribute mostly scientific type information others more knowledge from personal experience and some a combination of both. So whatever way you feel like sharing is appreciated.
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
Thanks for the encouragement. I've had a rough time this last week or so. I think I'm getting better at handling stress in my life. Most of the stress that I have is not of the easily remedied variety. I'm a caregiver by nature and by trade and currently in a season of transition in my personal life as well. At least I'm moving forward though. One. Day. At. A. MF'n. Time.
"Eating disorders" and "Disordered eating" (the term applies to me and many others IMO)... Each term is on opposite ends of a spectrum, but are in essence very similar. Eating Disorders are not eating enough and/or engaging in behaviors that lead to under-nourishment (not a word according to spell check) aka energy depletion and bodily damage. Disordered Eating is eating too much and/or engaging in behaviors that lead to over-nourishment aka over storage of energy and bodily damage. Both ends of the spectrum are unhealthy and cause harm to the body, mind and spirit.
IMHO, the search for all of us who are seeking optimal health is a so-called sweet spot on the spectrum. Peat's suggestions seem to work for many people who fall on the unhealthy end fringes of the spectrum. For people like me, Peating or CRON HCLF give us a framework without dogma to go about constructing a bridge to "normal". I've learned to look at food and nutrition in a different way. I've learned a lot about the human body and I'm learning more about my own body, my capabilities. I suspect this may be similar what those who fall on the other end of the spectrum have experienced. Can't say, because I'm not from there...but those are my thoughts, fwiw.
Weight loss is not some mystical thing. I always thought it was until I started down this path. Eat less, move more...it freaking works. I advise caution to all who choose that path though. It does work but it may be damaging if you take it too far. That's been my experience anyway. I operate in near constant caloric deficit these days. I find it difficult to eat anything and really have to force myself to sit down and eat. Never thought I'd have that problem, honestly. I used to mindlessly eat just about anything. Never really exercised beyond the bare minimum required at work and home.
So there's really no big secret to my weight loss. I do think that eating HCLF helped me to stick it out though. I used to hate that stupid carb flu bs on LCHF diets. It's not carb detox, it's your body telling you that it needs some freaking energy, carbs, sugar. If you eat or drink carbs or sugar while having a bout of that crap, you'll feel better within a few minutes. Until the guilt kicks in and you're like "OMFG, I just ate like 2 weeks of carbs!" Then you feel like a gross fat pig and all the books and blogs and your skinny b**** friends just rub salt in your diet failure wounds endlessly...
If I feel that old carb flu-ish sensation, I drink a Pepsi or eat some rice and I'm cool. No big deal. There's no guilt about drinking soda or tea, eating fruit, rice, potatoes, or ice cream. I try to be reasonable and over time, it's gotten easier for me to not stuff my face. So that's improvement, I think.
That's where I end. Good night to all.
SQu
Member
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2014
- Messages
- 1,308
Oranges I juice myself in season have none of that acid sharp bite. Zero. So i don't think it's supposed to be that way. Maybe a fruit juice without that acidity, like apple if you can find a good one and the pectin is OK for you?
Sigh. Brings back some bad old low carb memories ...
Do you think it's the LF in HCLF that's lowering your appetite?
How's nanowrimo going? For me- just an incentive to finish the book by the end of Nov. Not going to be 40k words! Maybe 20. That would be good.
OP
Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
Apple juice is usually free of citric acid, but label vigilance is required. I like apple juice, it doesn't give me the issues that OJ does, that's for sure.
For me, I can deal with the bite of OJ. I've found one brand that I can drink small amounts of and not encounter major issues. The major issues for me with consuming citric acid and citrus fruits in general are the mouth sores and digestive horrors that I encounter if I consume too much. Citric acid is present in most non-citrus fruits too, so that really limits how much fruit I can eat.
Peating is complicated for meh.....
Sigh. Brings back some bad old low carb memories ...
Do you think it's the LF in HCLF that's lowering your appetite?
How's nanowrimo going? For me- just an incentive to finish the book by the end of Nov. Not going to be 40k words! Maybe 20. That would be good.
I'm not sure about the LF in HCLF lowering my appetite. I still have a LOT of body fat, so does it really matter how much fat I'm eating? I suppose my body would just take what it needed from those fat stores and that's that.
I find it kind of ironic that the emphasis of LCHF (especially the primal/paleo variants) make such a stink about becoming "fat adapted" when most of those folks never have to rely on their own stores. The "game" is eating a ton of fat and supposedly that makes you lean. Which in some cases, it does. Most folks find it difficult to push through the "game" after awhile though. I never could seem to become "fat adapted" despite carrying around 100+lbs of excess fat.
HCLF (even if done in a slipshod manner like I have thus far) causes some level of true "fat adaptation". If you don't eat (much) fat, your body has to use some of your stores to take care of essentials. I have a theory that one of the things that sets Peating // HCLF apart is that it focuses on reviving the process of cholesterol biosynthesis. That is, if you don't consume cholesterol, your body has to make its own.
This process is intense and it puts a heavy burden on the liver. It also dramatically shifts your metabolism into another pathway. Somewhere on the forums, there is a post about primates and how Peating is very similar to primate diets. Also, there was a theory on here about how humans are combination of Neanderthal and primate lineages. The Neanderthal diet was PUFA and meat heavy, whereas primate diets are mostly carb / sugar based.
My take on that was that Peating // HCLF basically forces your body to assume / activate the primate metabolic path instead of the standard human and/or Neanderthal path. How this all works, I can't say. The science is beyond me at this point.
NaNo: I haven't started yet. I'm actually planning on writing about the theory I mentioned above and some other related theories that I have.
The usual November personal shitstorm struck last weekend and I'm still dealing with the fallout. I hope to get started next week, but I'm not planning on hitting 50k this year. I hope to hit 25k-30k on my primary project by the end of the month and then I can start editing it. Whoooooo. Maybe even publish it, who knows?
Last edited:
EMF Mitigation - Flush Niacin - Big 5 Minerals
Similar threads
