The Dance of Mandance

[Swandattur]

Just reading Peata's last post again made me think. It sounds as if the serotonin (maybe?) suppressed emotion, and when you go off of it, the emotion comes back on line (as Peata said.) But then whatever modulates the emotional response (maybe Progesterone) is out of practice or down regulated or whatever. So, you get the full blown effect for a while.
Maybe Serotonin is the hormone of indifference, as in the studies of rats where they would give up the struggle to live. Autistic people are supposed to have high Serotonin levels in the brain, and they have trouble with feeling emotion in a normal way.

 

[RayOfHope]

Hi, guys, I am joining this thread a little late, it seems. I will have to catch up. I just wanted to let mandance know that I had EXCRUCIATING arm pain from Paxil and while discontinuing Paxil. My arm hurt so bad that I couldn't even move my hand or make a fist, I couldn't type and I thought my whole arm was "dead." I had NO feeling in my left arm other than pins and needles and a feeling of heaviness. It finally went away and it is completely normal and fully functional now, so hang in there, mandance!

Unbearable fatigue? Yep. You'd better believe it. But it will pass. Please don't try to overdo it, take it easy on yourself. Healing takes time. I have been off head meds for almost exactly one year and I am just now starting to feel like a real person again, and I am still healing. Nothing has helped as much as Peating (hence my user name). Wellbutrin was the worst med to discontinue...every "micro-taper" caused MAJOR "withdrawal flu" and a sleep-coma that lasted for days. It didn't help that I was prescribed the maximum dosage (450 mg), so it took a long time to discontinue. I have more that I would like to share, but I should catch up with this thread first!

As Charlie said -- every day is a victory! Hang in there, we are all behind you!

 

[Swandattur]

People must be affected very differently by these drugs. I don't seem to get much of a withdrawal effect when I don't take Wellbutrin for a few days or weeks even. I was into the Peat sort of diet for a while when I went off it for a month, though.
If my son just misses a day of his medication, he feels bad. I have forgotten exactly what he's taking now, though.
I have experienced some very unfun withdrawals, though, as well as effects when getting on a med.

 

[RayOfHope]

Yes, Swandattur, I know exactly what you mean. I was on benzos for years (Valium, Xanax, Klonipin), and also Effexor, and I never had ANY withdrawal problems from those meds (and they are supposed to be the worst!). My sister struggled horribly withdrawing from Effexor, it was a nightmare for her. Wellbutrin was a challenge for me, whereas I went off Effexor cold turkey without a hitch!

 

[Swandattur]

It goes to show people are vary widely in their physical responses due to temporary or more inherent differences. It would be nice to know more about these differences.

 

[mandance]

Hey RayofHope...yeah it seems this time getting off is a lot more challenging from effexor...even though I had been on the lowest dose for over 6 months. Id be curious to know more about your experience of getting off, when did you start feeling better and able to live life again? You said its been a year and you are just now starting to feel normal again..could you elaborate more on that? I hope you dont mean you had been suffering in your house for a year before you started feeling better @_@ Anyhow, thats awesome you are off the pills and doing good!

My arms seem to feel better today...I think easing off the computer from work helps for sure.

 

[RayOfHope]

Oh gosh, no, I have not just been sitting in the house for the past year! I simply honoured my body when I was going off meds. I was fortunate that I could take as much time as I needed. Generally, I went out for a walk with my dog (length of walk varied by day -- between 10 minutes to 2 or 3 hours), nourished my body (Peating has been the most beneficial), and listened to nourishing things (Guy Finley, meditation podcasts/audio, etc). Other than that, I have been traveling and working on some entrepreneurial endeavors. :)

 

[mandance]

Oh thats so great. I am so glad to hear that you are doing so well. I try to go on walks also...its about the most I can do...sometimes I will go to the store also or hang at a friends house and watch movies. That is about the extent I can do right now. I bought a new bicycle..but riding it makes me very tired for some reason even though I am a guy that is in pretty good shape.

Hoping things will turn around soon...I really feel like they are getting closer...today I woke up with a sense of excitement about the future...although it could be the pregnenolone i took!! lol So how long was it before you were feeling better and going out more and more?

I have this strong desire to go do things but the anxiety is the worst right now...I know I should not rush it and let things run their coarse but its hard when everyone is having fun in summer.

Meditation is very helpful for sure..ive been doing that a lot more...it can bring me out of depression pretty easily.

 

[RayOfHope]

I started feeling better about three to four months into my taper...but I am referring to Wellbutrin. The greatest relief came towards the end, but also the greatest challenge. My body fought me tooth and nail at the very end.

I think the most important lesson in all of this is to listen to your body. The overwhelming anxiety is, I believe, your body's last ditch attempt to hang on to your med. Let it go...and then listen to what your body says when your system is free of meds.

I also believe that it doesn't matter to speak in brand names or dosages. We all go through our own hell...but hopefully, in doing so, we pave our way to heaven. :)

 

[mandance]

Thanks for sharing your experience. And good advice. I do wish I had tapered longer but I can't change that now. Ripping the bandaid off fast so to speak.

 

[mandance]

8/11/2013

Took 2x the benadryl last night...made me very drowsy and I eventually fell asleep, and slept for 11 hours so that is good. Today, I am not sure how to explain how i feel, but more positive and hopeful? Again, it could be from the pregnenolone I also took. Everytime I take that stuff, I think I feel this sense of optimism for a few days. I feel like I want to do a bunch of things, or feel this sense of excitement to be well again and be out there enjoying life again. How I am feeling physically, I feel some head pressure today...im not sure if its similar to the usual fogginess though or it might be from benadryl. Arms dont hurt as much,...I think taking a break from the computer is the key there.
I still feel out of it, and weak I guess. I feel like I want to go out and do stuff but at the same time...very much feels like I am still going through changes and not feeling optimal. Hoping my energy starts to return soon and the fatigue goes away. I dont seem to feel as weak as I did the past few days though so that is a good sign.

Alright. def very foggy today. Man...just when I thought that problem was finally going away it comes back. Its def one of the most annoying issues..makes it harder to want to do anything, including anything productive. Hopefully one day it will go away. Its been over a year almost now. It did seem since getting off meds..I was having more days without that. Just got to keep moving forward and try to forget about it I guess.

Its about 8pm now. Overall I think the day was not bad! Despite headaches, fatigue fog issues...I had a nice chat with grandma and my aunt..felt good to talk to them. Went to the store with my mom and got some dinner and it was nice, no anxiety at all. I think the pregnenolone def has a anti stress action even up to a few days everytime I dose out 50mg. I should use it more often, hopefully I see some elevation in low testosterone using it..Will know for sure at the end of the month. MY arms dont hurt anymore. Right now I feel pretty good overall..less stressed feelign hopeful and grateful for everything I have. Looking forward to what the next days bring and excited to have family coming out next week and to be off of work.
Hoping energy levels improve and fatigue, dizziness and fogginess, and hopefully no more shocks at night soon! Im gonna cut back on the 50mg of benadryl tonight and try 25 again.

Energy levels seem better...I couldnt stand being inside and actually went on a short bike ride at 1130pm and it felt nice although wow, being out of the gym for a little while has def made me lose some endurance. Now painting again, yay for productivity!

8/12/2013

Took awhile to fall asleep so I painted instead. Fell asleep around 4am, woke up at 1130pm. I remember laying in bed, complaing about how I never remember my dreams, and then I went and had one. Funny how that works.
I didnt get out of bed till about 230pm...just didnt feel like doing anything and im off this week so, why not? I am feeling really foggy today, frontal lob hurts, and behind the eyes. I dont feel as weak though which is nice. Once I did get up, I actually was surprised and didnt want to just go back to laying down. I feel more motivated to do something productive. I guess I will try to paint more and read. Trying to start off my days with gratitude as well, things could always be worse, there is always much to be grateful for. Just hoping to turn that corner soon and be on the road to health.

 

[mandance]

Oh and here is one recent painting...I call it, withdrawal Wasteland lol

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LufoEUUjbqs/U ... 600/59.jpg

Then I felt hopeful and painted this one.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nZhuCTTluGw/U ... 600/60.jpg

 

[Swandattur]

Wow! Do you paint for a living? Those seem very good to me!
The second one looks like Kotezebue, Alaska at spring break up, where I lived at one time. Well it looks like it is beginning to break up.

 

[mandance]

Thanks guys! Yes I am an artist for a living. I mostly work in video games. I have done work on the Halo series as well as many other games. I do mostly conceptual illustrations for art directors and such. Now I am actually art directing an indie project.

 

[Swandattur]

That must be very interesting!

 

[RayOfHope]

WOW, mandance, your artwork is INCREDIBLE!! Thanks for sharing! I'll be looking forward to seeing more in the future.

So glad to hear you continue to make improvements. Also glad you had some nice family time, that is therapeutic in itself.

 

[Swandattur]

Yes, I would enjoy more art work, too!
By the way, the first one really looks like a severely 'punkerish place' like in the Doctor Suess book "Did You Know How Lucky You Are?"

 

[mandance]

Hey thanks so much for the warm compliments. Im glad you guys like the art...ill try to post more along my road to recovery/

haha I love dr. Suess! Thats a great compliment. Coming off these pills, you can def go into some odd head spaces...its almost like being off drugs makes you feel like youre on them. The creativity has been much higher lately. It helps take my mind off things also. I know Peat talks about that a lot. It seems when doing something creative, the body is no longer in any stress state. I guess on the pills, I still did art a lot...but it wasnt the same really...or it wasnt as much of an experience?

 

[Swandattur]

Maybe comparing the art you did before and the art you do as you get better might be helpful for you. It's great to have an ability to express yourself in art it seems to me or music, also. (Oops! I just realized I spelled Seuss wrong.) I suppose if your emotions are tamped down from medication, you wouldn't get as much pleasure and feel as involved in what you are doing.

 

[mandance]

Yeah that is certainly true. In many ways. On meds I didnt really care about the outcome of anything in my life. Was just living it you know? I guess now, I feel more lows, but also more highs. I feel like there is a reason to live again. I think before when i was on pills, I didnt really care about my life at all, or the outcome of it. But then again, maybe this experience has shown me what matters.