The Dance of Mandance

[mandance]

8/2/2013

Couldnt fall asleep again, took until 5am. I was feeling a lot of anxiety, and random shocking pains. Sometimes in my arms. Then my head was feeling odd, like something was moving inside of it. I still am getting that effect where when I am about to doze off, I get anxiety, chest pain adrenaline rush etc.
It seems I might feel a little less foggy today. I seem to be able to focus more on work, memory still is a bit off. Maybe pregnenolone is helping with cognitive function during this process. Keeping my sugar intake high as well.
I feel less depressed today also, although still pretty dull. Its hard to leave the house without feeling worse because of stress and anxiety but I dont want to get in the habit of being a hermit because I am already somewhat in that mode with freelancing and recovering. I think the hardest thing I am fighting right now is my own mind in trying to find ways to make myself happy. Its easy to dwell on the suffering and become depressed. I must
keep trying to use those occasions as a means to practice mindfullness. I have to believe there is a reason for all of this. At least a justification of trying to live a life without antidepressants. I still get the feeling though, that I have a long road ahead of me.

Im going to force myself to go out and hit some golf balls with my step dad today. Last night I went to the grocery store for my mom, ive been trying to take on little things like that. But it was very hard..it was crowded and I felt the stress and anxiety right away but I got through it. Little victories, I gotta give myself more credit.

these shocking pains and joint pains are worrysome.also feel more itchy?..my mind seems to assume the worst about any little thing..like that maybe now my nerves are messed up and the antidepressants had been covering up fibromyalsia symptoms for quite some time, and now that im off of them, im experiencing it. My muscles still twitch and go crazy at nigth, although its not as often still, this increase in pins and needles feelings in my limbs is scary. Hopefully it will go away, I need to try not to think about these things and focus on thigns that are positive and
productive. One day at a time, one step at a time.

 

[mandance]

8/3/2013

Got a full night of sleep, but been feeling horrible all day. Its past 8pm now...ive had very extreme brain fog and headaches like a belt being squeezed around my head. I keep getting shocking pains in my arms hands hurt also..like the nerves or something but it could be just from the computer perhaps. The brain fog and weakness, when that bad always seems to set in some really extreme depression.
Days like today, the best I can seem to hope for is just to get through it. I laid down most of the day, did 1 walk. I hope tomorrow is better. Some things to note were that I had italian food the night before and did eat pizza also and bread. I also smoked some pot to see if it would help me.

update, fog got slightly better, I was able to realize my depression and was able to take more actions in getting out of that mind set. I went and got myself some food...surprisingly felt more calm and without anxiety when I did. Feeling less depression now. Also some positive things to note, my appetite seems to be improving. Also, and this might be too soon to tell...but it seems like my sex drive has been improving the last few days. Not sure if its a lack of antidepressants, or the increased use of pregnenolone. I will probably continue taking it and then see where my testosterone is at at the end of the month but things in that department seem to be improving.

8/4/2013

Had another rough night. I was able to fall asleep ok, but then I woke up in the middle of the night with extreme anxiety, I thought something was wrong with me. I think I was having nightmares but I dont remember...I also had a splitting headache, I eventually slept again.
Update to later in the day...I went for a walk and sat in the sun...this made me very fatigued. I went back home...helped my stepdad load his truck with a couch...this left me even more fatigued and now my forearms and hands feel weak again. I tried to undo part of the truck bed from this ball joint, and it was hard grasping it. Its concerning whenever I think about it...is this really just withdrawals from these medications or is there some underlying problem here? It seems I had some degree of problems prior, anxiety, stress, brain fog...for a year before getting off meds...now all those things just seem much work. I try hard
not to do any independant research online...the results are always either MS, Fibro, CFS or a variety of other things. I just am starting to wonder how this could all just be withdrawals. All doctors tell me im healthy otherwise...but there is no way its normal to feel like this, especially at 29...its been like this to some degree as I said, for over a year now even on a low dose of my previous meds but not like this.
I do seem to do better the less I think and read about things though. But its hard not to when you dont feel like you are doing better. I wish I had some answers to these problems. Im seeing that endo at the end of the month...its the only type of doctor ive yet to see. I guess these could all be symptoms of hypothyroid problems perhaps. The only thyroid test ive ever had was TSh, that was under 3....resting pulse is usually 60-65 but around 75 throughout the day. Temps are usually around 96.5 or so.

Best I can do now is try to get through today and try to be hopeful for the future. Its hard to imagine a life like this but I have to keep trying.

 

[chris]

I feel for you mandance. I've had periods of terrible anxiety where all I wanted to do was stay inside and do nothing. Things now, in comparison, are worlds apart. The issues mainly resolved before finding pe
Not sure what you are doing but for anxiety/depression I would do everything I could to reduce serotonin. Gut health can be a big influence on serotonin. Salt is good for limiting adrenaline and cortisol and fruit(sugar) is always good for all those issues.

 

[mandance]

Thanks Chris, glad to hear you are doing good now :) I am doing all that I can. I was able to go to the river today, without anxiety. I think I will get there, its just going to take some time...ill be sure to keep up the salt. I do have lithium orotate caps which is basically salt...I need to chew those more. Been getting in lots of OJ and ice cream...it does make a BIG difference.

 

[mandance]

8/5/2013

It took me until 3 or so to fall asleep, maybe 4...but I didnt wake up until the monring. Felt more fatigue today but positive. Good talks with people close to you can really get your head right. I also went and bought myself a brand new bicycle. It was hard though...i was having anxiety so i had to take some lorazpams to deal with going out into the world of traffic and people. But man, testing the bike felt amazing...I think bike riding will be a good tool in this recovery process and im excited to start riding a lot more.
I still have been feeling weakness, fatigue...just going to get the bike made me exhausted, but it could be from lack of sleep and lack of food. I didnt eat really. Seems like my mind is working better...less memory problems, my working abilities are going back to normal...I am even more productive with personal work once again and painting a lot.

8/6/2013

Slept well last night, fell asleep pretty easy too. Got a full night sleep finally. Still feel a bit out of it, tired, less foggy though. Lacking energy but it does seem better. Still a ways to go probably...and I still feel this sense of stress...maybe because of the anxiety ive experienced trying to do normal things....it can weigh on you making it hard to imagine doing the things you want to do.
One day at a time though. Hope I start getting more energy and motivation soon,..my motivation for art and work has been pretty decent lately so that is good. I feel very grateful. Now if only my prostatitus would go away...antibiotics dont seem to help...it must be stress related.

Feeling more nauseated and tired as the day goes on. The nausea is new and rare for me. Probably unrelated though.

Almost 5pm...been having constant low grade anxiety basically all day still. Harder to breathe today though, allergies etc.

Less anxiety, but no energy as its 630 now. Feel like I want to ride new bicycle sortuv, but also...just feel blah and dont want to move. It is pretty hot though.


Overall thoughts in the past week of progress:

It seems like there is positive improvements.

Chest pain: mostly gone
muscle weirdness: mostly gone
brain fog: bad on occasion, but some days do seem to be more clear.
Sleep: some troubles here and there still with insomnia, but I think im starting to see more success.
Cognitive: Productivity increasing, and actually pretty good, been doing more work for work and myself. Also, connecting the dots and memory seem to be improving.
appetite: Much better


Still have a lot of anxiety, still feel fragile...its hard to deal with too much stimulation. Its very easy to get anxiety still.
Still feel dizzy or high feeling, and weakness. Doing even minor things makes me exhausted sometimes.

8/7/2013

Running on 2 hours of sleep, adrenaline anxiety kep waking me up again. Entire right arm went numb from it as well. Was pretty scary. Still feels a bit weak today...This has been happening to some degree but not as much as in the beginning.

 

[Peata]

Sounds like overall there are improvements happening. Glad to hear it, Mandance. It's a long road to recovery from these meds. Patience can be hard to maintain, but it's so important for this journey. You're doing great. Thanks for keeping us updated.

At night, have you tried Benadryl to help with sleeping?

Also, I keep a squeezable bottle of honey on the nightstand. If I wake up with adrenaline, I squeeze a Tablespoon or so into my mouth and eat it. So far, it's worked to help me go back to sleep.

 

[mandance]

Thanks Peata, yeah its slow going. I feel exhausted most of the time. I tried to do a small bike ride yesturday, and was so exhausted from it I had to lay down right away. I just started with benadryl last night. I woke up a few times but I did eventually fall asleep. My arm feels less numb right now also which is good. I think I finally fell asleep around 230 and got like 8 hours of sleep...still free pretty out of it though. I sometimes get paranoid I now have real learned helplessness or CFS or something...but hopefully it will also resolve itself...seems like any stimulation can really make me tired or weak. How are you?

 

[mandance]

8/8/2013

got more sleep last night although it took awhile...kept waking up again from shock but did get around 8 hours in. Still feel tired and out of it though. Little motivation for anything although I do wish I had the motivation,...there is a lot id like to be doing. I think acceptance is helping me feel mentally a bit better. Im trying to fight myself less, and accept the situation and try to be patient. I think patience is the hardest part of all this.
its not even 1pm yet but today feels like a huge back slide. I feel really horrible for some reason, mentally and physically. I know reading about other people having windows of improvement and then windows of bad times again...this is pretty intense. I feel really weak, lightheaded, depressed, anxiety etc...i feel like I want out of my body so bad right now. I feel basically completely cripplied today in every way. But maybe it will improve later in the day. I guess I cant expect there not to be some bad bumps in the road back to health..this is intense though yet somehow I managed to write a new song on guitar haha. Sometimes playing it takes my mind out of reality for a bit and eases the pain.
Its hard though because even my hands and body are feeling weak. I did just take a bunch of vitamins also...could be having some odd reaction to one of them? I heard of people going through withdrawal being sensitive to various substances but there is no way to be sure right now, also feel very hot etc. Im starting to feel that hpelessness again, that I wont ever recover...and this feeling that a lifetime of these drugs has ruined my life. I think back to when I got off before and how I had never had anxiety problems ever until I tried to be free of them. Now its all worse. I know I cant go into this way of thinking, but when you feel this horrible what are you supposed to do when you feel like you cant take any more.

 

[Swandattur]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through! I hadn't realized withdrawal from these meds was as bad as this. I've been on and off and on antidepressants again over the years. I never had so much trouble getting off, although I have had enough trouble with side effects getting on some that I backed off. I have had some difficulty withdrawing, but nothing like you are going through. The most trouble I had was getting off Adderall. The withdrawal symptoms lasted for months, but eased up after a few weeks, I think. I have tried getting off the Wellbutrin XL recently that I've been on for about fifteen years. Actually, there was no problem until about a month off, and then I got nervous and went back on after having depression that worried me. Come to think of it, I was first on a tricyclic anti-depressant for maybe six months and then went off. Then several years later I was on an SSRI for five years and then became very depressed while on it. I was switched from drug to drug, and then put on multiple drug at a time, and then Adderall, too. Finally I got better and ended up on Wellbutrin and Adderall. I finally got off Adderall when it quit working. Now I'm just on Wellbutrin. Maybe Wellbutrin is lots easier to get off of, because at least for the first month, I was fine, and the depression wasn't that bad. I just got nervous.
Were you feeling okay on the anti-depressants? Or just having some side effects that worried you? Maybe switching over to Wellbutrin would help. It doesn't have some of the negative side effects of the SSRIs, and it seems to be easier to come off of. I don't know what Peat thinks about Wellbutrin.
It seems like in all humanity there should be withdrawal centers for getting off these suckers! I mean where you were looked after and give good food and helped. I hope you feel better and stay better soon! I'm pulling for you. :)

 

[mandance]

Thanks so much for the support, I really appreciate it. As far as pills go, I am completely done with them for life if I can help it and im really going to try like hell this time. I got off once before about 5 years ago. It wasnt this bad though, I think because the withdrawal was different then and that was before I had anxiety also. I got off, went through a month or 2 of withdrawals but nothing crippling and then 3 months later...I had insane anxiety that made it so I could not leave my house. Of course, I had no idea what anxiety was back then...so I thought right away, that I needed the medication and that what had happened to me was how my chemistry was...but looking back...I think it was delayed withdrawals from those drugs and that being on them so long had left me with an anxiety problem that never went away.

To be honest...ive never been depressed really until after that, and when I got back on the drugs. It was clear that after getting off, they never did anything for me other than make it so I wouldnt have to go through withdrawals...I was just misdiagnosed as a kid and put on them and made to believe I needed them but I never really did...i just didnt follow the rules as a teen and what not, I was never depressed.

But this time around, it is much worse for me. Id like to say ive made progress so far. and in some ways I guess i have...but its so hard to really judge how far you are when you feel you have a long ways to go. For me its scary because I feel like ive come to far to give up now....but at the same time...I have no way to predict the future or how this is going to play out. All I can do is go one day at a time.

Sometimes when im really low, I reread what Peata and Charlie wrote here and it helps give me hope again. But yeah, I have no idea if the anxiety will ever go away...but I still had it, even on the pills, just it was more controllable. But I have tried tons of SSRIs, even my therapist thinks that I dont respond well to them anymore so its sortuv like....am I just going to stay on these drugs my entire life to avoid the hell of getting off of them? For me, I guess this is just something I have to do...its terrible and horrifying, every single day is hard but I guess its my path I have to take...its def teaching me many things along the way though.

I think if I can feel fine again, I dont think I will ever have a problem dealing with any situation after going through this. But I mean, i say that now...but if im still feeling like this 2 months later...then there will be some really big concerns. I cant think about that though, any though of the future or past just makes it worse so I have to stay in the moment as best I can...try to stay up on things etc and do whatever I can and hope for the best.

I do appreciate the support again...every positive thing I hear keeps me motivated. Sometimes our own minds are our worst enemies.

 

[Swandattur]

Well, if you never had clinical depression, then at least you don't have to worry about it coming back on you. That's a big plus! I know anxiety is no picnic, though. I no longer do well on SSRIs, I think, because there's been a few times a doctor has tried adding one back in along with Wellbutrin, but they make me depressed. Actually, now I kind of wonder if the SSRI I had been on for several years caused the whole awful depression episode when I was about 44. Maybe it was the continued use of those that hampered my recovery. I was severely depressed for about a year. Wellbutrin is mostly a dopamine agonist from what I understand.
My oldest son, who is a little older than you are, is on anti- depressants, and has been for the most part since he was about fourteen or fifteen, I think. I remember when he told me how bad he was feeling, and it sounded like how I felt when depressed. He has been off a few times, once when he tried to go into the Air Force. That didn't go very well. He just couldn't handle the weirdness of basic training. It really wasn't the thing for him. (Actually, it sure isn't the thing for anyone with the crazy unjustifiable wars going on.) I really think he could benefit from some Ray Peat diet stuff and supplements. I have been suggesting cutting most polyunsaturated fats and eating less starch. I think he's trying to do that. He has had hypoglycemia for a long time. He gets really out of sorts when hungry. He tends to be kind of obsessive/compulsive, so I think he needs to ease into any diet changes.
Well, anyway, I really hope things get lots better for you soon. I just thought telling some of my experience with these medications might shed a little more light. I suppose what happens is that the SSRIs really do up regulate that lovely serotonin. Ugh! So, lay on the carrot salads,and maybe the cascara sagrada and such.

 

[mandance]

I found the same thing you have. SSRIs made me depressed, getting off of them, makes me depressed but its because I cant yet do the things I enjoy so if I am sitting around in my house...it is easy to get depressed but its not so bad. For me the anxiety and physical side effects are the worst. In some cases, I had even felt suicidal on antidepressants. I tried lexapro once for 2 weeks and was so very ready to kill myself that it was what set forth this plan. After that, I vowed I would somehow free myself from these meds one day. I dont mean to talk so horribly about them though, these are just my experiences. If they help you son be able to live his life comfortably then thats good. Members of my family take them as well and I think they find it does help them.

I wish there was some advice I could give regarding your son but without knowing him or his situation with pills its very hard since its so unique to everyone. If he ever does want someone to talk to about it though, I am always willing to give you my email address to give to him.

I think a big problem, as I am sure you are aware is...these pills are just over prescribed. Doctors are so quit to write a prescription without letting people know what the risks are. And people get tricked into these medications all the time. I see it all the time...someone goes through a difficult time, maybe they lost a love one...they seek some aid from their suffering, and the doctors, instead of giving some sound advice, reach for the pill bottle instead of maybe perhaps suggesting talk therapy instead.

All of us suffer at some point or another, but I doubt even 75 percent of the people on these medications really need them but thats not for me to judge I guess. If people get help from them, thats great I think.

I think in your case also, the pills have been helpful with depression surely? I know that before antidepressants, I had ADHD as a kid. I also thing thats a bogus problem. What really was going on was, as a kid...I was hyper and didnt want to do school work, I wanted to do art and what I wanted to do. So to help me "fit in" and adjust to the school system, I was put on ritalin at 8 years old. Did it help? I was too young to remember, but apparently it did. I went from being a poor student with a high IQ...to a kid with a high IQ now doing well in school and making friends and not being out of control.

Its a painful past but I dont think I would change it. For a long time I was mad at my mom deep down inside I think. How could someone drug a child? I just never understood it, and now im left with this endless suffering from a drug addiction I never wanted. But now I can see my mom just wanted me to succeed, and she did the best she could. How could she have predicted the future? Im so glad I was finally able to let it go and honestly since peating and other things. I just really feel like..I want to leave that part of myself behind. I have spent most of my life on mind altering drugs, I want to see what life is like without them for a change, even if it hurts, just have to believe somehow, that its all possible with time. I believe you and your son also, can find a way with or without them surely. I guess I just got tired of feeling numb all the time you know? Its like on those drugs, im still me...but not the 100 percent me you know? Its like you are numbed. I feel like ive gone through much of life numb to it. No real highs or lows, just a medium experience.

Getting off though, I can tell you its never felt so good to cry as a man. Ive cried more in the past month than I have probably in my entire life, and it feels really good. Im glad I can still feel emotions like that. On pills, i couldnt. Anyways, im probably going on and on. But yeah, hopefully I can help people someday like you guys are helping me.

Its an interesting ride, getting off these drugs, and peating at the same time. A big learning experience I will never forget. Thanks again for stopping by. :)

 

[charlie]

Every day is a victory.

 

[Swandattur]

Mandance, You didn't go on and on. Everything you said made sense and can be helpful to others.
Many people seem to have trouble with bland moods on SSRIs. I don't blame you for wanting to get off them if they do that and cause depressed moods, too. Maybe the depressed moods are caused by the blandness. As for the crying, maybe you are making up for all the times you couldn't react. Strange to think you could be living several years worth of emotion in a few weeks or months. Maybe that's fanciful, but maybe, in a way, that is what is happening to you.

My stepdaughter finally decided to get her daughter on an ADHD med. It isn't one I've heard of before for ADHD. Her daughter, my granddaughter has always been extremely hyper. She would never stick with any activity for longer than five minutes, which I remember made it very exhausting babysitting her. I guess she was getting poor grades even though she's very smart and (at age ten)would run through stores and skid around like she was on a playground. There has been a lot of upheaval in their lives. So, that probably hasn't helped. Her mom held off putting her on medication for years, but I guess she just felt this was the best option at this point for her daughter and the whole family. I'm just sharing information, here. I don't know what's best. At least you remember you were interested in art. Sometimes, maybe, kids just need to be given freedom to educate themselves as they become interested in a subject. I mean some kids even more so than others. It would be interesting if kids who appeared to have ADHD could be placed in an experimental school to see if a different way of learning would help them.

If you were on Ritalin for that many years, you really should benefit from the peat diet and supplements, because doesn't Ritalin interfere with growth? Were you also put on an
antidepressant at age eight?

It does seem as if doctors are way too quick to put people on anti-depressants. If they are only going through normal life problems, then it seems like counseling would be a better option, and, of course, some Peat dietary measures. I know Xanax, for instance can be bad to get off of from what Charlie says, but some people seem to be able to use it for a little while and then get back off. Xanax makes me depressed, though. One of my sisters went through a terrible time at work, where some people treated her very badly. She developed very high blood pressure during that time. She feels Xanax helped her through that ordeal, but, of course, the best thing would have been if those people hadn't been running amok creating so much trouble in the first place.

Well, I think I'm the one that goes on and on! Anyway, it's helpful to discuss stuff like this.

 

[Peata]

Every time I went off SSRIs, I went through all the withdrawal, including crying out of nowhere. I called it "crying jags" where I'd cry for seemingly no reason. My emotions were up and down, all over the place. It's just part of the withdrawal process. Your brain is trying to "re-wire" itself, adjust to the lack of medication, and get back to doing its own thing. And it could be that its a type of emotional release for your brain to help deal with the hell you (and your brain) are going through, and maybe as swandantur said, to make up for some repressed emotion along the way. I wouldn't discount any of it. Just know that it's normal to be going through all this right now.

 

[Swandattur]

Oh, I'm sure it's just the adjustment, but maybe part of that is from having had your emotions blunted. It might be hard to adjust to more emotion, then, and also it wouldn't seem surprising if your brain might produce all the (suppressed) emotion it hadn't been able to express before. On the other hand maybe it's just reregulating itself. Just interesting to think about, although probably not so interesting to experience.

 

[Peata]

When I was in withdrawals, I did get the sense at times that some emotions were "coming back online", that they had been suppressed and my brain was getting used to feeling them strongly again, before they settled back down after withdrawals.

 

[Swandattur]

On SSRIs I don't think I had the blunted emotions effect, or maybe I just didn't realize it. Maybe emotions were still there enough that a little missing wasn't obvious. I remember when I was on Wellbutrin, Adderall, Zyprexa, and, I think, an SSRI, a psychiatrist and a counselor said I seemed indifferent. Well, they would probably seem indifferent to things, too, if they were on that much stuff! Actually, I was really sleepy all the time, which seemed infinitely better than feeling depressed, even if inconvenient. The psychiatrist did get me to go off the Zyprexa, and I didn't stay on the SSRI. Then I was able to drop some of the Adderall. That psychiatrist did, at least, try to help me get better. Later, I heard he got his license to practice psychiatry suspended for alcoholism. At least he tried to do a good job. Maybe caring too much makes it hard to keep one's equilibrium.

By the way, are you trying the Progest E approach to handling withdrawal? You probably said earlier.

 

[mandance]

Yeah thats a tough situation with your granddaughter...it seems like the US isnt really equipped to properly deal with kids like that. I think those type of kids get better results in european countries it seems, where there is more of a focus on non medication methods. But sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

I wasnt on ritalin long, I think from the age of 8 to 14 and I dont even think I took it everyday, just on school days I think? I didnt start prozac, my first ssri until 15, I stopped ritalin before getting on that.

The crying is a pretty common side effect of withdrawal from the brain changing. I think I experienced the most emotions last week or a few weeks ago...lately I havent felt as emotional really although sometimes. The hardest part is just having no energy to do anything, and even when you try to do something, its almost just too much to deal with. I try many times to go back out into public, but it just makes the suffering worse and I dont think I gain much from doing that when I just feel im in this fragile state still....seems like the mind cant handle the stimuli or any perceived stress. It would be a lot easier if there was no insomnia either, then you can just sleep as much as possible but I tend to feel my worst laying in bed, I feel like I can feel all these oddities and pains in my body. Things seem to be best when the mind is distracted and focused on something productive.

You very well might have had blunted emotions. Its hard to notice while on the pills but it becomes apparent when getting off. On pills I just felt apathetic...I didnt really care what came my way, good bad etc, what people did or said. You just shrug everything off and dont care...at least thats how it was with me. I find myself caring about so much more now but like Peata said...im sure that dies back down at some point. Anyhow, here are some recent logs

8/9/2013

I got another full night of sleep more or less. I am not sure how I fell today..I cant really put any words on it. But better than yesturday. I dont have anxiety but I still feel like I have no energy or will to do anything other than rest and wait. I guess thats all I have to really say, head still feels odd also but not terrible. Ill report more later in the day.
I think I might be having a migraine or something...I went to get food in the kitchen...then back to computer and there are tons of blurry spots everywhere and I cant see like normal. This has only ever happened once before and it was when working at microsoft before i started getting brain fog all the time. Weird. I dont feel much depression or anxiety today though.
Def probably a migraine...blindness/aura went away...low grade headache has set in...im even more weak and tired now. I think I will take a nap. Its been hard to work these past 2 days, luckily I have next week off...but I have family in town...not sure how i will be able to handle that stimulation like this but ill try to make the most of it.
Just like when I got a migraine over a year ago, this seems to have brought back that brain fogginess again with it, even though that has finally started going away lately. Oh man what a tease. Hopefully it goes away...ive been washed out feeling all day and laying down watch documentarys about musicians to take my mind off of it but im pretty depressed again. Seems like the trend of these withdrawals is 2 steps forward, 1 step back or something. I will write more tomorrow as always. Hopefully the fog and headache goes away from the migraine.

8/10/2013

Probably my worst night of trying to sleep yet. I couldnt fall asleep until about 7am despite taking benadryl before bed. My arms have been hurting lately, feeling strained and sometimes going numb, I am not sure what that is all about. I fell asleep from about 7am-12pm...my arms still feel odd. Feeling a bit of fatigue again and weakness like usual although last night when I couldnt sleep, i started another painting so that is good.
I just took some muscle relaxers, maybe they will help.

I tried to go out to lunch with my girlfriend, things were not so bad until the stimulation of being in public around a bunch of people greatly increased anxiety. By the time I got home, I felt weak and exhausted again, the heat doesnt help either, and the humid air. I hope my energy levels get better soon, I just cant seem to handle the real world still. Feel weak still in my arms, also sometimes my knee buckles when I stand up from laying down again..but maybe its because im not getting enough movement in. I havent gone on a walk in a few days, but im too exhausted and lacking sleep to really do anything other than lay down.



I think its been about 3 weeks since I took a pill. Prozac could sitll be in me though as I took 10 days of it to bridge the taper. I dont think it did anything though.

To recap, it seems some problems have gone away or improved, but others seem to come, or get worse.


Chest pain: gone
fatigue: ongoing
arm pain and numbness: ongoing
insomnia: ongoing
brain fog: seeing improvements, more days without it etc.
appetite: better
dizzyness and balance, motorfunction: better
creativity: a lot better
memory: better
anxiety: still very bad
depression: better but made worse depending on how much I think about this situation
Stress handling: same as anxiety, non existant stress handling
sleep: same as insomnia, not getting regular sleep

Keeping up on high amounts of sugar. Lots of orange juice and ice cream. Protein needs to improve though...I find I can eat more now, but im just too lazy to make food so I tend to just mix gelatin in.

Taking Vitamin B-1, D3 and magnesium. Pregnenolone off and on. I think its been about a week since I last had any, I think ill take some more soon...seems to lift my spirits for a few days everytime I dose it.

Tried B12, but felt like it made anxiety worse, holding off on it for now. Avoiding Pufas for the most part...I maybe get one meal or 2 a week that might have some pufa, but I still avoid anything fried or that has obvious vegatable oil sources. Mostly just orange juice and ice cream for me, coconut oil , carrot salads etc. I am slacking on my milk intake so I need to pick up the pace with that.

Oh and no..i am not taking Progesterone, mainly because I already have very low testosterone levels. I dont want ot risk lowering them even more. But its a shame because I think progresterone would greatly help with withdrawal, especially mass dosing it. I see an endo at the end of the month...im getting all labs...see if preg has raised my T levels...once I get the labs done I will probably start on cynoplus.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

-Chris

 

[mandance]

PS for those with experience, is this constant fatigue and weakness normal..and arm pain? I dont ever recall this before. Although my sleep is pretty bad now and even when I do sleep...it seems to be stressful. Not sure what the deal with the arm weakness/pain is though...blood cleaning itself perhaps? Just a wild guess. or maybe somehow related to anxiety? "shrugs"