Nova
Member
- Joined
- Sep 6, 2015
- Messages
- 93
So this is the inagurual post to my RP forums log.
Tonight, a question is looming in my mind. It's a question that has been burning within me for awhile now.
Is it possible to go through puberty a second time?
What I've been through these last few months feels a lot like puberty, I imagine. I can only imagine what puberty is really like because I went through puberty super early (like age 7-10, basically) and spent most of middle and high school years being really depressed and withdrawn. (Also quite ill thanks to PCOS and incredibly grueling menstrual cycles.)
My body has subtly changed since going "Peat". The most surprising thing, though? I can feel. Like I actually have emotions and they just kind of come out. Before, I just didn't feel things. I had a really flat affect. Like nothing mattered. Nothing made me happy, excited, sad, any of it. I just kind of existed and couldn't understand emotions in others.
As a woman, this sort of stunted emotionality majorly impacted my life. I doubt that I have ever had a real relationship with anyone outside of my family. I was never emotionally connected to anyone, always afraid to invest in relationships or even to approach people. The diagnosis was "social anxiety disorder" but that tells nothing. Why was I so freaking socially anxious? It got to the point where I quit Facebook, stopped answering calls, and only texted a few select people. It's still that way, if I'm being honest.
I'm not so socially anxious, but I am weirded out by feelings. I don't know how to deal with things, I have outbursts, I want to talk more. What is all of this? I don't know and that terrifies me on some level.
Pair all of this new "feelingness" with the physical changes and aches and pains and day-to-day life...yeah, sometimes I'm a bit burnt out. The intensity is appreciated but I get overwhelmed and I can't seem to escape from this new side of myself. Maybe I shouldn't look to escape, but to accept?
It's like I'm becoming a new person. The new person, she's nothing like me. She's my feminine side, finally awake and wanting to play, I suppose. But I have built my whole life around shunning femininity since I was never "one of the girls" because girls don't have beards and they have feelings. So I was just a thing, not a boy, not a girl, so I hated "girl" stuff because it symbolized a me that I could never be.
But now I can see all of that and the clarity, it burns! :P
******************
Really though, is it possible to go through something like a second puberty in your 30s? Could I really get taller, stronger, more feminine? Is it possible for me to direct these change in some way, through nutrition, supplementation, exercise and such? Am I just spinning my wheels, hoping for the impossible?
I want to be rid of this PCOS-a-saraus that's been riding my back since the late 90s. I want to live the life I could've had if only hormonal derangement, precocious puberty and toxic levels of stress hadn't stolen it from me the first time around. But maybe there's no use in playing couldawouldshoulda?
Tonight, a question is looming in my mind. It's a question that has been burning within me for awhile now.
Is it possible to go through puberty a second time?
What I've been through these last few months feels a lot like puberty, I imagine. I can only imagine what puberty is really like because I went through puberty super early (like age 7-10, basically) and spent most of middle and high school years being really depressed and withdrawn. (Also quite ill thanks to PCOS and incredibly grueling menstrual cycles.)
My body has subtly changed since going "Peat". The most surprising thing, though? I can feel. Like I actually have emotions and they just kind of come out. Before, I just didn't feel things. I had a really flat affect. Like nothing mattered. Nothing made me happy, excited, sad, any of it. I just kind of existed and couldn't understand emotions in others.
As a woman, this sort of stunted emotionality majorly impacted my life. I doubt that I have ever had a real relationship with anyone outside of my family. I was never emotionally connected to anyone, always afraid to invest in relationships or even to approach people. The diagnosis was "social anxiety disorder" but that tells nothing. Why was I so freaking socially anxious? It got to the point where I quit Facebook, stopped answering calls, and only texted a few select people. It's still that way, if I'm being honest.
I'm not so socially anxious, but I am weirded out by feelings. I don't know how to deal with things, I have outbursts, I want to talk more. What is all of this? I don't know and that terrifies me on some level.
Pair all of this new "feelingness" with the physical changes and aches and pains and day-to-day life...yeah, sometimes I'm a bit burnt out. The intensity is appreciated but I get overwhelmed and I can't seem to escape from this new side of myself. Maybe I shouldn't look to escape, but to accept?
It's like I'm becoming a new person. The new person, she's nothing like me. She's my feminine side, finally awake and wanting to play, I suppose. But I have built my whole life around shunning femininity since I was never "one of the girls" because girls don't have beards and they have feelings. So I was just a thing, not a boy, not a girl, so I hated "girl" stuff because it symbolized a me that I could never be.
But now I can see all of that and the clarity, it burns! :P
******************
Really though, is it possible to go through something like a second puberty in your 30s? Could I really get taller, stronger, more feminine? Is it possible for me to direct these change in some way, through nutrition, supplementation, exercise and such? Am I just spinning my wheels, hoping for the impossible?
I want to be rid of this PCOS-a-saraus that's been riding my back since the late 90s. I want to live the life I could've had if only hormonal derangement, precocious puberty and toxic levels of stress hadn't stolen it from me the first time around. But maybe there's no use in playing couldawouldshoulda?