Peat Girl's Logger

[Peat's_Girl]

I really wish you the best of luck! I'm a fellow Canadian
but have been living in the US for a couple of years now.

I hate you.

(Out of pure jealousy.)

Another general recommendation I can make is to spend
some time reducing psychological stress. Digestion and
the gut are involved in a ton of neurological activity (both
local and cerebral!). Attacking only the food aspect could
leave you spinning your wheels and making it all worse
by pulling frustration into the mix.

See, I know you are right but explaining that to my stubbornly rational mind is like trying to get me to believe in Santa Claus again. On some bizarre subconscious level it seems to think that because stress is intangible it's therefore as real as fairy dust. (I know. Its idiotic. It also made the same argument about sleep's affect on weight-loss and look where that got us..). My brain and body are in constant opposition with one another. It's like my brain is a lab-coated and dogmatic scientist and my body is a new-agey hippie that preaches self-love. They will never get along.

I know it sounds a bit wacky, but it's serious stuff! You
can find a lot by Googling things like "pubmed stress
digestion" or "gut-brain axis". But don't go overboard, it's
stressful in itself

Have you heard of paralysis by analysis?

 

[Peat's_Girl]

Good luck!

HAAHAAAAHAHAHAAHAAHA.

That sounded as if you believed that my resolve will prevent me from writing my daily long-winded and whiny posts... GOOD LUCK WITH THAT THOUGHT!

;D

 

[Peat's_Girl]

So.

Today's temp is 96.1. After a huge 700kcal meal with a Peat-Stone balance of salt/sugar/ starch it's... 96.3 and thennnnnnnnnn back to 96.1.
I am as warm as a corpse on New Year's eve.

House of Horrors Pt. 3:
Every time I come home my cat's mini teddybear (about 7 inches) is resting on the door step.
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Either my cat is trying to tell me something (but what?! I've never seen my cat show any interest in the bear or touch it, let alone bring it anywhere) or the bear has a mind of its own, a la Chucky.

I'm afraid of the tub. One time I was washing my face and the bathtub was making weird suction noises. Some black goo came out and went immediately back into the drain again!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I unplugged it I saw a massive clump of black hair.

This be some black water ***t. I ain't coming near the damn thang, no siree.

My bf claims that the Elisa Lam curse is upon our house.

But I also smell like a corpse on new year's eve, so I have to brave it and take the plunge (not literally cause I will break my legs).
(And also get the benefits of second hand smoke courtesy of my chain smoking neighbour. It basically smells like a hot-box of tobacco in my bathroom.)

Yesterday I weighed myself and it, of course, resulted in me flinging myself onto the floor and yelling
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CTHULHU* WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!"
(*'Cause i don't believe in God.)

Well, sort of.
I cried. And for the 4th time this month my bf had to roll up his sleeves, like every good man before him, and pretend to make sense of the irrational female mind.
"It's just some weight... It doesn't mean anything"
"You're not OBESE..."
"No, you'll never get to 200lbs."

Obviously, he just ended up getting the brunt of my anger and regretted ever saying a word.

Today, of course, the scale showed one big troll face and asked, "YU MAD??????????"
'Cause I actually didn't gain an ounce of weight after all... Wtf.

Obviously I'd rather be losing weight but I've been eating 1,000kcals more than my usual anorexic meals and haven't gained more than (maybe) a few pounds. I should be in an okay mood. (And I am.)

My problem is the disgustingly low temps, the ridiculous insomnia, the sleepiness immediately following any and all meals and the mild constipation. Oh and the fact I look like a hormonal teen at her first job in a greasy fast-food restaurant, sans the braces.

I started eating in the middle of the night. Never done that before. It's really weird.
Yesterday I got a mini panic attack. Never happened before. I tried the paper bag breathing and it helped a bit. Even helped the headaches I've been getting every single night (like in the middle of the forehead and nose, like a flu related headache even though I don't have the flu). I swear it makes me a little high.
I cried some more --happy to get some sort of relief.

Ray Peat needs to endorse them paper bags! Can you imagine? His face on every paper bag, and like a slogan saying something like, "Anxious? Swimming in cortisol? Anaerobic glycolysis got you down? BAG IT!!!"

He'll be making mad cheddar off Peatish folks buying his bags, which is like... Let's see, there's like 1,000 of us and paper bags are 1$... So... 10$ a month?* Yeah, baby! Sisson eat your heart out!!!

(*I'm an English major and will not be held responsible for my inadequate math calculation in this, previous and subsequent posts.)

I'm such a goof.

That's all I have for now.

*Tumbleweeds slowly rolling on by*
*Crickets chirping*

I know, fascinating stuff for my wide readership ;D

 

[Peat's_Girl]

After a glass of milk, a piece of 70% choc and some cheese and a spoon of sugar shot up to 97.8!
Also based myself with coconut oil. I don't know if topical coconut oil makes people warmer but it makes me feel warmer... I don't know.

My fav song right now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYEgsJ0 ... 50&index=2

 

[Katty]

There's also the option of the potato protein soup for an easily digestible protein source. You take pounds of potatoes and juice them. You're looking at a minimum of 8 pounds to get any significant amount of juice for the day. With this, you're extracting their keto acids. It can be done without a juicer if you have a blender. I just blend the potatoes in my Vitamix and use a mesh bag to squeeze out the juice. I let the juice sit in a clear container and the starch falls to the bottom. I scoop out the liquid portion avoiding the starch and cook this on the stove. Any remaining starch will curdle up while cooking and then I take a coffee filter and place it in the opening of a large mason jar and pour the cooked soup in it and let the juice filter through. This gives you a perfectly clear juice like that of filtered coffee.

Sorry to hijack the thread, but @Jennifer, what setting on the Vitamix do you use to blend the raw potatoes and how many potatoes can you blend at once?

 

[Jennifer]

There's also the option of the potato protein soup for an easily digestible protein source. You take pounds of potatoes and juice them. You're looking at a minimum of 8 pounds to get any significant amount of juice for the day. With this, you're extracting their keto acids. It can be done without a juicer if you have a blender. I just blend the potatoes in my Vitamix and use a mesh bag to squeeze out the juice. I let the juice sit in a clear container and the starch falls to the bottom. I scoop out the liquid portion avoiding the starch and cook this on the stove. Any remaining starch will curdle up while cooking and then I take a coffee filter and place it in the opening of a large mason jar and pour the cooked soup in it and let the juice filter through. This gives you a perfectly clear juice like that of filtered coffee.

Sorry to hijack the thread, but @Jennifer, what setting on the Vitamix do you use to blend the raw potatoes and how many potatoes can you blend at once?

Katty, I start it on the lowest setting and once the potatoes are blended a bit, I turn it up to about 6. I blend around 2 1/2 to 3 pounds at a time, but I cut the potatoes into really small pieces so that helps to fit more in the container.

 

[tara]

Today, of course, the scale showed one big troll face and asked, "YU MAD??????????"
'Cause I actually didn't gain an ounce of weight after all... Wtf.

Obviously I'd rather be losing weight but I've been eating 1,000kcals more than my usual anorexic meals and haven't gained more than (maybe) a few pounds. I should be in an okay mood. (And I am.)

:)
Is your boyfriend giving you enough of a reality check? You've mentioned being overweight and unhappy about it, but I'm just slightly wondering if this is a major real thing, or just a little bit more than current fashionably thin? Have you been starving yourself over a perceived extra 10 or 20 pounds? Or is your boyfriend wrong, and you are pushing 200? I don't mean to ask you to post detail (fat-phobia etc is widespread, and this forum is not immune), but I'm wondering if you have this in proportion?

I started eating in the middle of the night. Never done that before. It's really weird.

I've had to eat in the night many times over the years. I'm not needing it lately, but it's a pretty reliable antidote to insomnia for me, as long as I don't have to get out of bed to eat. Now it only gets me if I don't eat enough through the day.

Yesterday I got a mini panic attack. Never happened before. I tried the paper bag breathing and it helped a bit. Even helped the headaches I've been getting every single night (like in the middle of the forehead and nose, like a flu related headache even though I don't have the flu). I swear it makes me a little high.
I cried some more --happy to get some sort of relief.

Great that the bag-breathing helped - frequent use might give you benefits that persist between uses.
I suspect that the CO2/hyperventilation connection may be one of the key mechanisms that link emotional stress to digestive issues and other health consequences. I agree with Scott about considering how to address other stresses in your life aside from food too.

Ray Peat needs to endorse them paper bags! Can you imagine? His face on every paper bag, and like a slogan saying something like, "Anxious? Swimming in cortisol? Anaerobic glycolysis got you down? BAG IT!!!"

He'll be making mad cheddar off Peatish folks buying his bags, which is like... Let's see, there's like 1,000 of us and paper bags are 1$... So... 10$ a month?* Yeah, baby! Sisson eat your heart out!!!

[/quote]

 

[Katty]

Katty, I start it on the lowest setting and once the potatoes are blended a bit, I turn it up to about 6. I blend around 2 1/2 to 3 pounds at a time, but I cut the potatoes into really small pieces so that helps to fit more in the container.

Thank you! My juicer doesn't seem to work well for this so I might try the Vitamix method.

 

[Peat's_Girl]

Is your boyfriend giving you enough of a reality check? You've mentioned being overweight and unhappy about it, but I'm just slightly wondering if this is a major real thing, or just a little bit more than current fashionably thin? Have you been starving yourself over a perceived extra 10 or 20 pounds?

I wish. At this point a distorted point of view would be easier to fix. I am actually obese according to the BMI...
I'd have to lost 50lbs just to be on the chubby spectrum of normal. To be fashionably thin I'd have to lose close to 80lbs. But I've never been skinny in my life, just average or normal or a bit chubby. The last two years I've "achieved" this new state and it's so foreign and humiliating to me that I feel disassociated from my own body. Like, what I see can't possibly be me...

I've had to eat in the night many times over the years. I'm not needing it lately, but it's a pretty reliable antidote to insomnia for me, as long as I don't have to get out of bed to eat. Now it only gets me if I don't eat enough through the day.

See, I've never done that before! I equated it with being out of control so instead I binged in broad daylight but in my room ;D
It doesn't help me fall asleep though. Nothing does. The bag helps calm me down but sleep is hard earned...
I wish pills worked on me but they don't either... Hmm... The person who'll be able to offer something that will put me to sleep will probably get a giant cookie basket from me ;D

Great that the bag-breathing helped - frequent use might give you benefits that persist between uses.
I suspect that the CO2/hyperventilation connection may be one of the key mechanisms that link emotional stress to digestive issues and other health consequences. I agree with Scott about considering how to address other stresses in your life aside from food too.

My weight is a huge and physical cause of stress for me, one I cannot escape and why it's realllllllllllllly hard to listen to advice that tells me to "over-feed". I don't want to gain even more. This is the heaviest I have ever been and every single person in my family (Russian/ Ukrainian) is thin. My cousins all look like barbie dolls... My mom is soooooo thin. My dad doesn't understand how I even found a bf looking like this. It's VERY embarrassing for me to even be around them, especially since they don't understand how I can possibly be this big and barely eat. They roll their eyes and assume I binge in secret or something or tell me to go run around the block or something... :/

I can't escape it... I barely look in the mirror or go out but I can't really escape it. I have no idea how to reduce stress until I feel like I at least have some hope at losing weight... It's why Matt Stone makes me so angry, when he tells people to overfeed and get over it if we gain more weight and can't lose it... That is NOT how I want to live. And I DON'T think he'll be satisfied living like this or (given his constant sexual commentary) date a girl who wasn't conventionally thin. It's ******* BS.
The last two years all my efforts at losing weight have made me gain 20lbs more... So the light at te end of the tunnel closely resembles a moving train

Oops. I didn't mean to whine, but it sometimes just comes out...\

 

[tara]

OK. :)

I believe you that it's discouraging.
It doesn't make the problem go away, but I think it may still be helpful to remember that the humiliation and associated feelings are not something you deserve. They say more about the brutality of the wider culture than they do about anything to do with you.

I believe you that it's hard to figure out what makes sense with food in this context, too.

My current hunch is to wonder how you are doing with mineral balance - ie getting enough of the essential ones?
Think I notice if I neglect calcium, magnesium, salt, potassium, B vits, or chicken neck soup.

 

[Jennifer]

My weight is a huge and physical cause of stress for me, one I cannot escape and why it's realllllllllllllly hard to listen to advice that tells me to "over-feed". I don't want to gain even more. This is the heaviest I have ever been and every single person in my family (Russian/ Ukrainian) is thin. My cousins all look like barbie dolls... My mom is soooooo thin. My dad doesn't understand how I even found a bf looking like this. It's VERY embarrassing for me to even be around them, especially since they don't understand how I can possibly be this big and barely eat. They roll their eyes and assume I binge in secret or something or tell me to go run around the block or something... :/

It's sad when our families say what they say. They're the ones that are suppose to love us unconditionally and the fact that they know us best, hurts that much more. Anyone else and you could say they just don't know you well enough to see how great you are.

My mom is what she considers the black sheep of the family. All her siblings were thin and she has struggled with being overweight most of her life, doing diet after diet. She always remembers how she was told that she would be so pretty if she just lost weight. Then you get me, the other black sheep of the family and the mud gets slung. The constant comments about my body and looks and questioning why I didn't have a boyfriend and that I must be a lesbian then. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but to say that to a girl who was molested by a female, well, I think you can understand how damaging that is.

Your thoughts and feelings aren't nearly your own. You've taken on everyone else's too. Ultimately, you're the one who has to be the break in that link of destructive views. This may not help you at all, but I picture myself when I was a little girl and I pretend that I'm her mother. I relive all the hurtful comments and the sexual abuse, but this time from the perspective of the mom. I end up with such profound sorrow for that little girl, not for those comments that family made or for the abuse I suffered, but for the comments and blame I unleashed on her. I didn't protect her and worse, I became her abuser.

No one can make you "love" your weight anymore than people can make me "love" my now distorted spine, but how about having a neutral view of it for now? How about giving that girl in you some much needed acceptance and compassion. If you're anything like me, you must be so exhausted from going to war with yourself day in and day out? Constantly having your thoughts and life revolve around changing you so that you no longer have such a disdain for that part of yourself?

Anyhow, I won't bug you about "self-compassion" anymore. LOL

 

[Peat's_Girl]

My current hunch is to wonder how you are doing with mineral balance - ie getting enough of the essential ones?
Think I notice if I neglect calcium, magnesium, salt, potassium, B vits, or chicken neck soup.

Yeah, realistically I know that, I just can't seem to make myself feel worthy or something.
I am trying, and it's MUCH better than it was, say a month ago, when I was living with them............

I get my calcium from food but sometimes low on magnesium. I do have a supplement (Cal-Mag-Zinc) and I'm gonna have to take that I think. B vitamins? For the most part yes. How much sodium and potassium should I be getting?

No luck with chicken necks or ox tails. I will have to boil a whole chicken and get that too.

 

[Peat's_Girl]

It's sad when our families say what they say. They're the ones that are suppose to love us unconditionally and the fact that they know us best, hurts that much more. Anyone else and you could say they just don't know you well enough to see how great you are.

Actually they don't! My family knows nothing about me...! We were never close, moving around and me being by myself. I think I was raised by TV more than I was by them. Maybe that made me a better person, because I always idealised these selfless, noble characters and strives to be just like them (then again that always made people think I was weird if I was too affectionate and self-sacrificing or they'd take advantage and leave). I remember waking myself up to go to school, making myself a sandwich, locking the door and putting the key around my neck --this was when I was six years old.
Even if my mom tries to be my best friend now, it's just too far gone. I barely speak the language on a level of a 6-year-old so it's hard to communicate all the feelings and thoughts I have. Mostly I'm really shy and I don't say anything in family gatherings. So, they actually know nothing about me other than how I look.

My mom is what she considers the black sheep of the family. She always remembers how she was told that she would be so pretty if she just lost weight.

Yeah, I got that too... But at the time I was normal weight.

Then you get me, the other black sheep of the family and the mud gets slung. The constant comments about my body and looks and questioning why I didn't have a boyfriend and that I must be a lesbian then. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but to say that to a girl who was molested by a female, well, I think you can understand how damaging that is.

That's horrible Jen. And I completely understand how difficult it must be to trust someone with your heart. I identify with your experience (except the female part) and I know what it's like to lose trust in your parents' ability to protect you at a very young age. I think I stopped believing in fairy tail, god, santa clause , etc. all around that time. All magic was gone for me.

That said if you were gay, I'd have to restrain myself from flirting with you You're such a kind,wonderful person and your future partner would be immensely lucky to have you in their lives! People nowadays lack your understanding and gentleness, I wish I could find a friend like you, but people like us are rare. ;P

Your thoughts and feelings aren't nearly your own. You've taken on everyone else's too. Ultimately, you're the one who has to be the break in that link of destructive views. This may not help you at all, but I picture myself when I was a little girl and I pretend that I'm her mother. I relive all the hurtful comments and the sexual abuse, but this time from the perspective of the mom. I end up with such profound sorrow for that little girl, not for those comments that family made or for the abuse I suffered, but for the comments and blame I unleashed on her. I didn't protect her and worse, I became her abuser.

I actually imagine the same thing! And sometimes I feel so sorry for myself, but can't completely detach myself from the little girl. I instead get really angry at how helpless I am to change things.
Sadly, I was never brave enough to stand up for myself... And it's even worse now...

But your're right, and the best I feel is this indifference (it's probably where the mirror avoidance stems from) the thing that cause me stress is not a sadness it's the lack of hope... I fear I will forever stay this weight and won't be able to change it. I feel like my twenties are melting away without me enjoying life like my peers. No friends, no parties to attend, just grown-up struggles like being unable to afford things, having to ration food, constant moving, constant loneliness... I wouldn't mind any of this if I just had a few years of fun and freedom and I never had... I was a tiny adult at 6yo :)

I guess we can just hang in there with our fingernails... Eh?

 

[Blossom]

Those are beautiful words of wisdom from Jennifer. Your weight will work itself out to where it needs to be in time as your metabolism heals. Focus on loving and accepting yourself now not conditionally based on some future goal weight or size.

I'm sorry to hear about your rough childhood but know that I can completely relate and am currently still working on some lingering issues of my own at age 45! I think it's great that you have realized all of this in your 20's.

Worrying and feeling bad about the weight now will only add to your stress. Peat's big on lowering stress hormones after all. Nourish yourself well, trust in your body to heal and try to celebrate the present. That's what I'd tell my daughter who is about your age. I hope that doesn't sound condescending, I just hate to see people losing valuable time in their youth by focusing too much on body image. I did that in my teens and twenties because that's what society indoctrinated me into doing and all it led to was poor health, misery and suffering and can never get that time back.

You're on the right track P_G! Hang in there and treat yourself like the cherished person you are.

 

[Jennifer]

A big :1 to Blossom's comment!

I'm sorry you went through all that, Ally! Because I was shy too, family members at gatherings had a field day with me also.

What a sad world we live in where being affectionate is considered weird. Meanwhile, there are kids, much like you as a child, who would love to be shown affection. To feel like they matter in this world to at least one person.

That's horrible Jen. And I completely understand how difficult it must be to trust someone with your heart. I identify with your experience (except the female part) and I know what it's like to lose trust in your parents' ability to protect you at a very young age. I think I stopped believing in fairy tail, god, santa clause , etc. all around that time. All magic was gone for me.

You know, it's weird because I was more ashamed of what I believed I allowed someone to do to me and I stopped trusting my judgement. As a 5 year old when the abuse started, that shame seemed justified. With relationships, I was more worried that if guys liked me initially and then got to really know me, they'd realize that I'm not what they thought I was because of my shameful past. So every time I found out a guy liked me, I panicked and ran, figuratively speaking.

My parents never knew about the sexual abuse till I was 26/27 when I suffered the fractures and I finally told my mom. I figured my life was over anyway so I had nothing to lose by coming clean. It was my friend's older sister who abused me and it was taking place at their house so my parents had no idea. No one ever suspected that happened to me. I kept it to myself and planned to take that shameful secret to my grave.

That said if you were gay, I'd have to restrain myself from flirting with you You're such a kind,wonderful person and your future partner would be immensely lucky to have you in their lives! People nowadays lack your understanding and gentleness, I wish I could find a friend like you, but people like us are rare. ;P

Haha! Aww...thank you, Ally! Right back at ya!

I actually imagine the same thing! And sometimes I feel so sorry for myself, but can't completely detach myself from the little girl. I instead get really angry at how helpless I am to change things.
Sadly, I was never brave enough to stand up for myself... And it's even worse now...

Oh, I hear ya! I had the most unhealthy line of thinking when it came to standing up for myself. When someone was being hurtful, instead of me letting them know they hurt me, I would keep my mouth shut and take it because I didn't want to make them feel bad that they made me feel bad.

But your're right, and the best I feel is this indifference (it's probably where the mirror avoidance stems from) the thing that cause me stress is not a sadness it's the lack of hope... I fear I will forever stay this weight and won't be able to change it. I feel like my twenties are melting away without me enjoying life like my peers. No friends, no parties to attend, just grown-up struggles like being unable to afford things, having to ration food, constant moving, constant loneliness... I wouldn't mind any of this if I just had a few years of fun and freedom and I never had... I was a tiny adult at 6yo :)

Yeah, after I wrote you this morning, I was thinking I should of mentioned one thing...

Just because we are choosing to have a neutral view of our bodies doesn't mean we are giving up hope of healing in the most transformative ways. I actually look at it like finally giving our bodies a fighting chance. This means, no more living in endless thoughts that you have to figure out how to lean out or I have to figure out how to fix my spine. We free our thoughts up and hopefully get more breathing room during the day. And with this newfound relaxed mental state, your gut can relax too and hopefully you'll see an improvement in your digestion and food tolerances. I suspect that you, like me, have spent your life holding everything in and "keeping it together" because you've always had to. We've had very adult problems starting at a very young age. We had to be in control.

There's this saying that the very act of grasping for the feather generates the wind current that pushes it away. Maybe by choosing the path to least resistance, letting go of some of that control, you'll give your body the chance to straighten itself out like it was made to do?

 

[Peat's_Girl]

You're right Jen, as always. Some days your words ring true but other times the chaos in my head blocks out any sensible advice and all I can think of is "you must... you must... you must improve your bust"...

Haha, well not quite, but you know what I mean? I think at some point my brain has associated a rush of happiness and adrenaline with newfound prospects of perfection. It happens when I'm about to buy another useless face cream, and my brain goes "Yes! This could be THE ONE!" Same with diet books and supplements, and anything else. Of course later I'm sorely disappointed and must initiate the quest for perfection elsewhere.

 

[Peat's_Girl]

Temps are pathetically low again. 96.5 at the start of the day, with 97.7 the highest mid or late day.
I got my bf to measure my pulse (as I seem to be unable to) and it averages at 76 bpm.
I guess it's not an accurate indicator of things since we only did it once.

I'm reading Kat Deering's "Heal Your Metabolism". I got Amazon's Kindle Unlimited, just for that.
I don't like it. I don't think everyone should write a book just because they want to. I think writing books should be limited to people who can write well (maybe it's my own bias?). It's got valuable information for sure (mostly summarised from Peat and others) but it's badly written, boring, dry and repetitive.

I also get mad when people who can't fathom the idea of not shopping at Whole Foods prescribe things like grass-fed butter. It's not realistic for 80% of the population.
In Quebec I have NEVER seen grass-fed butter sold ANYWHERE. Or even grass-fed meat. Maybe at like select stores you'd find a 100gram of freezer burnt ground beef for 20$ but there's no way you'd ever be able to afford it if that's your sole source of protein.
Grass-fed dairy is not found here in QC simply because you can't' graze cattle in -30c temperatures...
And unlike you lucky Yanks, we can't get meat delivered from all over Canada at a low cost...

Bah. Whatever.

I don't regret reading it though, because it has good info for someone who is new to Peat and finds his info dense and confusing, but I'm glad I didn't pay for it ;D

I'm reallllllllllllllly discouraged by the idea that it'd take me 10 months to lose 10lbs (which Kate and Matt Stone seem to imply). I know that calorie counting is quite frowned upon around these parts, because the point is to recover from restrictive behaviours, but like my Peatish friend, TBP, says, weight is a stressor just as big and scary.

I gotta wrap my head around the eating plan. It's like Paleo but with some things taken away (PUFAs, fish, nuts, salads) but with other things added in (dairy, sugar, fruit). So it's both restrictive to me and unrestricted~! 'No starches' poses a problem in terms of meal planning. Calories are either too low or two high! When will this ever be intuitive to me?

Some days I try to eat as much as possible and I over do it, other times I don't eat enough and I freeze and can't sleep. I need a balance.

So far... It's been two weeks on Peatish foods and 2,000kcals on average. No weight gain so far. Maybe if I reduce a bit I can see some weight loss? OR should I wait until my temps are normal? They're not improving.

The breakout WAS DUE TO THE COCONUT OIL! I noticed that when I put CO after a shower, it absorbs well into my body but just sits there on my face and decolletage area! WELL DUH! That skin is usually different...! But my face is so dry from the hard water so I feel like I need to moisturise it. But EVERYTHING BREAKS ME OUT! I'm gonna have to put my penny pinching aside and spring for a shower filter (ANY ADVICE?) and maybe some GoW skin care (finally)!

Oh. After a week of insomnia and horrible moods (could barely get out of bed and felt so horrible) I knocked myself out with some sleeping pills. After 16hrs of sleep I finally feel normal! I'm gonna try my darndest to go to sleep at 10pm at the latest. I cant keep falling into bad habits again, I NEED sleep to heal.

I wish there was something that would put me to sleep, but instead I reflect on my shitty life and get super stressed out and unable to sleep.

My dreams have reached a new disturbing ground...
First I was saving animals in some post-apocalyptic scenario.
Then yesterday I had a long and combobulated dream about being in an international BEAUTY PAGEANT!
First of all it was televised internationally from the host country, Russia (Wtf?!) of all places and the camera crew followed the contestants all over the globe while we displayed our talents or met bizarre politicians and celebrities.

At one point, the top 4 contestants (including myself, haha) had to meet some weird Russian boy band and pose in their music video. Then we got to go on a weird quadruple date with them and I found the whole thing bizarre and gross. They then took us to their condo and we had to sleep with them, ON CAMERA, and I was like WTF! This is not what I signed up for!!! Especially since these "boys" weren't attractive and too old to even be in a boy band. (Could be my general aversion to Russian guys... I always had it...!)

Then when there were two girls left, me and this Russian girl, we had to do a song and a dance for the talent portion of the competition and I was doing this weird sexy dance on a motorcycle and I had a cowboy hat on and this Daisy Dukes outfit on! (Dream on, brain, dream on...)

I ***t you not, I have no idea how my mind comes up with this stuff...

Anyways it was a poppy song and for some reason the Japanese judges gave me all 10s (yep, it was all international and apparently judged by country representatives! Maybe somewhere in the future the entire world will become obsessed with beauty pageants? We're sure headed that way). The russian girl did some lame **** dance with her crew, which annoyed me because I did my dance alone.
And then for the last bit, I sang "Diamond's Are A Girl's Best Friend", wearing Marilyn's iconic dress and doing her dance to a t.

But lo and behold the crown went to the tall and lanky Russian girl and I was seething because I tried so hard.
I figured it was rigged because it was hosted in Russia.

You'd think the dream would end there but it didn't. I ended up doing weird magazine and tv interviews where people asked me if i thought the competition was rigged since I was thought of as the crowd favourite. Then I ended up doing weird movie appearances as the bomb shell (basically being Marylin Monroe, hehe) and milk (?!) commercials. It was so weird.

I remember one of the Russian judges said that I didn't win because it was a beauty contest and I was way too sexual with my outfits and dances...

Wtf?! Wat is that supposed to mean brain? ;/ You guys are welcome to take a crack at it ;D

It was nice though... Cause I had such beautiful glowing skin, with a slight tan and rosey cheeks. And my body was so gorgeous... Plump in all the right places, and I could wear shorts and bathing suits and fill them in nicely! Ahh... Must be nice! (You wis brain!) It's weird since for the longest time all my brain wanted was for me to be really really really thin or at the most be rockstar fit (see Joan Jett) and I'd never look like that, unless I was doing my zero carb and IFing...

Anyways... X_x

 

[Jennifer]

You're right Jen, as always. Some days your words ring true but other times the chaos in my head blocks out any sensible advice

I think the same thing at times. Not about being right. LOL About my words ringing true some days but other times I'm like "I get it, but I'm not going to lie about how I feel about my body at this moment and I feel really lousy about it right now!" It's like, you want to feel good in your own skin and not have to apologize for wanting the best for yourself or what you believe is the best for yourself, but you also don't want to run yourself into the ground trying to be your best.

and all I can think of is "you must... you must... you must improve your bust"...

Punky power! Did I get it right? I remember her bust enhancing chant...I must, I must, I must increase my bust! You know, Punky Brewster is the perfect antidote to our OCDness. She made mismatching clothes look cool! :)

It happens when I'm about to buy another useless face cream, and my brain goes "Yes! This could be THE ONE!"

Hey, my brain too! Does yours sound like a traveling salesman giving the pitch of his life?

As for the grass-fed this and that, honestly, don't worry about it! Ruminants are good at ruminating their food into quality despite less than perfect feed. Yes, grass-fed has its nutritional advantages and it's better for the health of the cows in general, but we aren't a sunny climate and there has to be some compromise. And the way I see it, non grass-fed butter is way better than no butter and non grass-fed Milk is way better than no milk. :)

As for diet, If you're hungry for 2,000 cals a day, I'd go with it! You may even find some days you're hungry for a lot and other days you want less. I think it's good to listen to your body and not stress if you got x amount of calories that day or not.

So WOW! What a dream you had! Mine have been crazy too. The night before Mother's Day involved my grandmother who past from Alzheimer's. I curled up with her in bed and snuggled into her, but had this sense she would be leaving me. Then there was a dream with my dog, Cricket.

So back to yours. I like how you were happy with your curvy shape whereas you use to want to be really thin. I think that's a positive sign! I was the opposite. I wanted to be really curvy, but it looks like I'll have to rock the jailbait look.

 

[Peat's_Girl]

The grass is always greener, huh, Jen? :)

I'm sure if I saw you I'd be like, I wish I was that thin! And maybe if you saw me at my best you'd think, damn she's got ****! ;D

Not sure if that's how you'd put it though.

My temps are up from the usual 96.5 to 97.8 after a hearty two egg omelette (with cream, cheese, tomatoes, spinach and mushrooms and tons of salt) and an OJ. I guess I need to forcefeed myself an actual, solid meal in order to warm up a bit.
No more my usual 3 pieces of cheese and a glass of milk with 3 tsp. of sugar...

It was quite difficult to eat all of that though, as I'm used to drinking my calories. I'm constantly thirsty and I constantly pee. During the night I woke up 3-4 times and I was sound asleep each time.

I think I might have to give up milk after all ;(
I got really congested lately and every day I get heartburn and burp like every 5 seconds.
(This never happened to me.)
Could be too many liquids or too much milk.
I still don't wanna give it up, but realistically if I can't get access to raw, grass-fed milk maybe it's not a good idea to be drinking this...
I don't think most adults can tolerate milk without ill-affects. I don't know many who drink it daily and are okay.

Hmm...

 

[Jennifer]

The grass is always greener, huh, Jen? :)

I'm sure if I saw you I'd be like, I wish I was that thin! And maybe if you saw me at my best you'd think, damn she's got ****! ;D

You know what they say, if the grass is greener in your neighbors yard, send your dog over there and he'll take care of that! Hehe!

But seriously, I'm sure you've got some enviable curves going on! :)

And nice temps!