animalcule
Member
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2019
- Messages
- 361
One of my lifelong struggles has been that I have trouble trusting my instinctual negative response to certain people/situations, and instead sort of gaslight myself into thinking that my immediate feelings are wrong, and that I should act according to some other principle (kindness, politeness, compassion, etc.). I've grown up with the understanding that I don't respond appropriately to people, and that I need to modify my behavior/responses so as to make social interactions more positive for those around me. I think that this has undermined my ability to trust my instincts when I really need to, and left me unable to discern when polite, accommodating behavior is the appropriate tact (refusing to give in to the impulse to not interact) versus assertive behavior (even when this might come off as rude).
On the one hand, I think that aiming towards a more thoughtful way of interacting with people can be a good thing - if, upon meeting someone, I feel a sense of disgust, or like I want to get away from them, I don't want to be rude and petulant and refuse to interact with them (and sometimes this can't be avoided, at say a job). I also legitimately could be wrong about them - maybe my instincts *are* wrong, maybe there's more too this person, maybe I can learn something by being understanding, maybe I'm just overly anxious/negative/too judgemental in general, etc.
On the other hand, by associating/interacting with people/situations that I am averse to, I sometimes feel as though I'm being entirely too passive. Like I'm letting myself down, or as though I don't have any standards. It sometimes signals to other people that I can be walked all over, or that they shouldn't have respect for me. Even if that isn't the case, I get this nagging sense of inauthenticity. I don't like myself. I become resentful of people because I feel forced to stifle too much of myself, I subsume myself to others. People who I would otherwise respect seem to pick up on this inauthenticity. My attempts at even general politeness in these situations don't always seem natural - at worst they are transparent, and so despite my best intentions, I'm now in a worse position: being seen as inauthentic and untrustworthy.
A small example: I recently had to ride in a coworker's car for a couple of hours. I had never met her before. When I opened her car door, I discovered that the seats were covered in dirt, there was trash and clutter everywhere, and it smelled. I immediately did not want to get in that car, and offered for us to use my vehicle. She refused, and insisted we take her car. I didn't want to be rude, and I didn't want to make a big deal about it and make her dislike me, so ... I caved pretty quickly and just got into her vehicle. Immediately I felt like a chump, and I lost respect for myself. We're both adults, if I feel unsafe about a situation, I should just say so and remove myself from it. But I didn't. I cared more about pacifying a stranger than listening to my instincts that said: get away from her. By this point, my overall impression of her was that she was a little batty, chaotic, anxious, and not very wise. And as soon as I felt that, my mind started coming up with all sorts of reasons as to why I shouldn't think these things, why I should exercise compassion, how would I feel if someone judged me that way, etc. Despite my judgements of her, I tried my best to be polite and easy-going. Yet by the end of the trip, even though we both got along well enough, she had certainly picked up on some of my underlying uneasiness and judgement. Would I have been better off being forthright and holding my ground? I would have initially respected myself a little more, but then been consumed by guilt for not being 'nice.' Would she, ultimately, have felt better too, because at least she wouldn't have felt lied to (by my pretenses) in a way? Even if she hadn't, should I care? Being around people I do not respect, or who even repulse me, also has the effect of depressing my mood and lowering my motivation to almost zero, even more so when I feel that I cannot escape their presence. And, at the risk of sounding like a narcissist, I feel lowered to their level. It really bothers me, and I lose what little self respect I have. Even though I'm not and never will be someone of high status, I feel like I can understand the impulse the upper classes have to not associate with people they feel are beneath them on some level - it's draining and almost feels like being tainted to be around people who's way of being is seen as so low, disturbing, chaotic, or gross. (Note: I don't think that I'm of a higher class to this woman, but I don't want to live the way she lives, in filth and clutter. In fact that's a sore spot for me, as my mother is a bit of a hoarder and it's extremely draining to be in that environment.).
If I've learned anything the past few years, it's that 'niceness' does not pay off in the long run. In fact, it's corrosive. But being assertive (especially as a female) comes with its own set of consequences - consequences that I often wonder if I'm prepared to deal with. I fear I lack the social grace to stand my ground without coming off as harsh. My internal uncertainty makes me feel as though I have no right to my judgements/instinctive reactions, because I could be judged harshly by others as well. I struggle with the knowledge that some people, despite my best efforts, are uneasy around me - and lately I wonder if this is (in part) because I am transparently inauthentic, with a very thin veneer of niceness plastered over a deep well of uneasiness, confusion, anxiety and resentment.
I'm frankly sick of subsuming my instinctual, negative responses to people to this desire to be (or maybe just appear) understanding and likable. I'm tired of my own mind drowning me in guilt when I acknowledge the disgust or repulsion I feel towards some people. Yet if I were to act on my negative judgements of people, would I put myself in a more precarious position, as a social pariah? Or would I ultimately be better off, my psyche less fragmented, if I acknowledged these unchangeable instincts and honored them -- clumsily, maybe even rudely at times? If I had standards/boundaries, and refused to waver from them, no matter the social or financial consequences? More and more I think that people who don't set standards/boundaries are not rewarded for their "compassion" -- they're just dragged to the bottom of the pile, and develop a deep sense of resentment.
This is a long, rambling post. But I'm interested to hear other people's thoughts on this.
On the one hand, I think that aiming towards a more thoughtful way of interacting with people can be a good thing - if, upon meeting someone, I feel a sense of disgust, or like I want to get away from them, I don't want to be rude and petulant and refuse to interact with them (and sometimes this can't be avoided, at say a job). I also legitimately could be wrong about them - maybe my instincts *are* wrong, maybe there's more too this person, maybe I can learn something by being understanding, maybe I'm just overly anxious/negative/too judgemental in general, etc.
On the other hand, by associating/interacting with people/situations that I am averse to, I sometimes feel as though I'm being entirely too passive. Like I'm letting myself down, or as though I don't have any standards. It sometimes signals to other people that I can be walked all over, or that they shouldn't have respect for me. Even if that isn't the case, I get this nagging sense of inauthenticity. I don't like myself. I become resentful of people because I feel forced to stifle too much of myself, I subsume myself to others. People who I would otherwise respect seem to pick up on this inauthenticity. My attempts at even general politeness in these situations don't always seem natural - at worst they are transparent, and so despite my best intentions, I'm now in a worse position: being seen as inauthentic and untrustworthy.
A small example: I recently had to ride in a coworker's car for a couple of hours. I had never met her before. When I opened her car door, I discovered that the seats were covered in dirt, there was trash and clutter everywhere, and it smelled. I immediately did not want to get in that car, and offered for us to use my vehicle. She refused, and insisted we take her car. I didn't want to be rude, and I didn't want to make a big deal about it and make her dislike me, so ... I caved pretty quickly and just got into her vehicle. Immediately I felt like a chump, and I lost respect for myself. We're both adults, if I feel unsafe about a situation, I should just say so and remove myself from it. But I didn't. I cared more about pacifying a stranger than listening to my instincts that said: get away from her. By this point, my overall impression of her was that she was a little batty, chaotic, anxious, and not very wise. And as soon as I felt that, my mind started coming up with all sorts of reasons as to why I shouldn't think these things, why I should exercise compassion, how would I feel if someone judged me that way, etc. Despite my judgements of her, I tried my best to be polite and easy-going. Yet by the end of the trip, even though we both got along well enough, she had certainly picked up on some of my underlying uneasiness and judgement. Would I have been better off being forthright and holding my ground? I would have initially respected myself a little more, but then been consumed by guilt for not being 'nice.' Would she, ultimately, have felt better too, because at least she wouldn't have felt lied to (by my pretenses) in a way? Even if she hadn't, should I care? Being around people I do not respect, or who even repulse me, also has the effect of depressing my mood and lowering my motivation to almost zero, even more so when I feel that I cannot escape their presence. And, at the risk of sounding like a narcissist, I feel lowered to their level. It really bothers me, and I lose what little self respect I have. Even though I'm not and never will be someone of high status, I feel like I can understand the impulse the upper classes have to not associate with people they feel are beneath them on some level - it's draining and almost feels like being tainted to be around people who's way of being is seen as so low, disturbing, chaotic, or gross. (Note: I don't think that I'm of a higher class to this woman, but I don't want to live the way she lives, in filth and clutter. In fact that's a sore spot for me, as my mother is a bit of a hoarder and it's extremely draining to be in that environment.).
If I've learned anything the past few years, it's that 'niceness' does not pay off in the long run. In fact, it's corrosive. But being assertive (especially as a female) comes with its own set of consequences - consequences that I often wonder if I'm prepared to deal with. I fear I lack the social grace to stand my ground without coming off as harsh. My internal uncertainty makes me feel as though I have no right to my judgements/instinctive reactions, because I could be judged harshly by others as well. I struggle with the knowledge that some people, despite my best efforts, are uneasy around me - and lately I wonder if this is (in part) because I am transparently inauthentic, with a very thin veneer of niceness plastered over a deep well of uneasiness, confusion, anxiety and resentment.
I'm frankly sick of subsuming my instinctual, negative responses to people to this desire to be (or maybe just appear) understanding and likable. I'm tired of my own mind drowning me in guilt when I acknowledge the disgust or repulsion I feel towards some people. Yet if I were to act on my negative judgements of people, would I put myself in a more precarious position, as a social pariah? Or would I ultimately be better off, my psyche less fragmented, if I acknowledged these unchangeable instincts and honored them -- clumsily, maybe even rudely at times? If I had standards/boundaries, and refused to waver from them, no matter the social or financial consequences? More and more I think that people who don't set standards/boundaries are not rewarded for their "compassion" -- they're just dragged to the bottom of the pile, and develop a deep sense of resentment.
This is a long, rambling post. But I'm interested to hear other people's thoughts on this.