Forgiveness of abuser

[PolishSun]

Anger, grudges - it's all mental masturbation. Worries, anxiety as well. They are fake intimacy of one person with himself, while he is ignoring the rest of the world.

 

[ronin570]

I’m acutely aware of these negative thoughts depending on my health state .
The greatest gift that people with negative characteristics has shown me is what path I need to not follow.

 

[ronin570]

Anger, grudges - it's all mental masturbation. Worries, anxiety as well. They are fake intimacy of one person with himself, while he is ignoring the rest of the world.

Everything is mental masturbation compared against spiritual liberation and unification. Advice like this annoys me when I’m not feeling great because it seems to insinuate everyone should suddenly become a Buddha or Jesus with a snap of a finger. I appreciate it nonetheless

 

[Lana]

Forgiveness for me is a very annoying Christian concept and is the reason for a lot of people putting up with a lot of ***t. I’m still planning revenge after my brother was beaten to near death 20 years ago and left brain damaged in a bed since. Justice was not served at 4 years prison sentence. I feel a good smack in the face of the perpetrator for me will do me the world of good and also set my life back on course . I have also been victim to abuse always growing up with an emotionally weak father . And I found myself time and time again addicted to those who just don’t seem to care what happens to me.

So I look to pagan concepts and beliefs . If someone ***** you or your loved ones up you **** them up. But one must embody APATHY for the duration of their revenge or justice seeking . I have not yet set things right when it comes to me or my brother . The anger and mental mastirbation as someone said is addictive and empowering for me as I improve my health physically and mentally

 

[ronin570]

Forgiveness for me is a very annoying Christian concept and is the reason for a lot of people putting up with a lot of ***t. I’m still planning revenge after my brother was beaten to near death 20 years ago and left brain damaged in a bed since. Justice was not served at 4 years prison sentence. I feel a good smack in the face of the perpetrator for me will do me the world of good and also set my life back on course . I have also been victim to abuse always growing up with an emotionally weak father . And I found myself time and time again addicted to those who just don’t seem to care what happens to me.

So I look to pagan concepts and beliefs . If someone ***** you or your loved ones up you **** them up. But one must embody APATHY for the duration of their revenge or justice seeking . I have not yet set things right when it comes to me or my brother . The anger and mental mastirbation as someone said is addictive and empowering for me as I improve my health physically and mentally

I believe that to enact your justice with least or none damage to yourself you need to completely forgive and love the attacker first. Then if / when you take revenge you do it with clarity . Otherwise doing it with attachment to results like hoping for feeling better after will just bring more suffering

So I agree with you - apathy / non-attachment . Passionate revenge is useless

also you have to incorporate it into your dharma . If it’s not it’s wrong action. I don’t know how to explain it better at this time

 

[Jennifer]

I'm not sure that all abusers have been hurt themselves or if some are just born with a faulty brain connection. The one I'm thinking of does not feel he was abusive at all. It is a characteristic of a psychopath to feel no remorse and it's hard to know how some people get to be psychopaths.

The way I see it, we can’t hurt others without hurting ourselves in the process, regardless if we’re aware of it (or even want to acknowledge it) or not—sometimes, the closer we are to something, the harder it is for us to see it. I can respect others seeing it differently, though.

 

[Herbie]

When I read Friedrich Nietzsche genealogy of morals, it became clear that the legal system is inadequate and It cannot enact adequate revenge for you and if you do want to enact the revenge yourself, you will end up in prison so we are only left with karma will get them which doesn't satisfy the hunger for revenge.

Most people are in a total downward spiral health wise and world of trouble, in earthbound hell suffering all the time already so observing that Karma is already here?

 

[lvysaur]

Anger, grudges - it's all mental masturbation.

I think anger serves an evolutionary purpose.

Getting angry allows one to take action for vengeance. Vengeance (which would be defined by termination, either of the offender or those close to him) would allow the victim to not only feel better, but acquire resources (those of the offender) in the process.

This dynamic only works when people have the means with which to enact them. If they don't, it becomes mental masturbation and starts getting selected out.

 

[PolishSun]

Half of the population is sick (mentally and physically), often anger is just subjective personal thing. Or it is provoked by the other sick person. No point to revenge someone if you know that he is sick. But it is important to stop abusers from hurting other people, and often experienced abusers know how to avoid that. They prepare in front. Read about narcissists or psychopaths. Evil people hide what they do. Hitler hid his concentration camps and killings from the German public.

 

[Vinny]

Anyone here forgiven their abuser? I’d like to know if it has helped you live a better, happier life. Or if you took revenge and got positive or negative from it?

I'd like to slay all my abusers, which is a clear manifestation of my pride (a mortal sin, and worst of all).

 

[gaze]

it's quite clear that being abused turns on a chronic defensive system, which revolves around serotonin. yea, you can feed off it and enact revenge, or you can take the more difficult, but more rewarding path and use peats research to try to turn off your defensive mechanism and open up again. once you realize that the defensive, serotonin fueled state is actively hardenening you, aging you quicker, and basically leading you to your grave, i think the choice is obvious to fight against those feelings, forgive yourself for having those feelings (it's natural), and understand that the abuser is struggling with his own serotonin induced problems

 

[PolishSun]

Good point above. I would like to add as I understand, that abusers cannot make an intimate connection with other people (like love) therefore they make an intimate relationship through abuse with the victim. It is a very strong intimate bond, about which usually knows everything only the abuser and the victim. But it is strong and deep. The abuser is in it because he can not do it another way, and the victim through PTSD or other strong emotions like shame, anger etc. I think the victim is even more involved in this relationship than the abuser. The victim might think more about the abuser than about other good people. The biggest problem is if someone grows up as a victim because his parents were not able to make a bond through love, he might not know how to bond with other people except like being a victim or an abuser. I know that those are enjoyable strong feelings like to hate someone, or to worry like crazy. Being paranoid is also quite nice. Ultimately being in love means being important, being seen. Abuse is also some kind of attention on both sides. That's my opinion.

 

[postman]

it's quite clear that being abused turns on a chronic defensive system, which revolves around serotonin. yea, you can feed off it and enact revenge, or you can take the more difficult, but more rewarding path and use peats research to try to turn off your defensive mechanism and open up again. once you realize that the defensive, serotonin fueled state is actively hardenening you, aging you quicker, and basically leading you to your grave, i think the choice is obvious to fight against those feelings, forgive yourself for having those feelings (it's natural), and understand that the abuser is struggling with his own serotonin induced problems

It's dangerous to do this if you're still spending time with the abuser, you're just going to get abused over and over again. Which will ultimately elevate your serotonin even more.

 

[gaze]

It's dangerous to do this if you're still spending time with the abuser, you're just going to get abused over and over again. Which will ultimately elevate your serotonin even more.

Oh yea definitely. It is of the utmost priority to remove yourself from constant abuse. Usually though when the topic of forgiveness/revenge comes up, its after the fact, which is what I was referring to.

 

[Lana]

 

[billybrown83]

I'd not really considered this before, but I think he has a point.

 

[Lana]

Anger, grudges - it's all mental masturbation. Worries, anxiety as well. They are fake intimacy of one person with himself, while he is ignoring the rest of the world.

So ???? What’s your point ? Your answer doesn’t say anything

 

[Jib]

Move on with your life, but don't think you have to "forgive and forget."

I have no desire for revenge. But I will never forget the wrongs committed against me, and holding onto this sentiment can be important for speaking up and calling people out in the future.

In my case the abuse was all behind closed doors. To "forgive" would be to pretend it's okay that what happened to me happened.

And that's exactly what abusers want. They want their abuse to be swept under the rug.

Exposing abuse as abuse is the key. No interest in revenge. But exposing abuse? Sure. Most people are afraid to call it out. The anger and lack of forgiveness can be put to good use when you use it to boost your confidence and conviction.

And people respond to that. Being obsessed with revenge is not a good look and won't get anyone on board. But strong conviction and empathy will go a long way.

Anger can fuel a righteous mindset. Never forget that. Let it empower you to speak with conviction and confidence and to not back down from anyone.

That is the best use of that anger. There are some good movies warning about obsession with revenge. I Saw The Devil comes to mind. Many others like it. Watching movies like that can be cathartic.

 

[youngsinatra]

In-depth video, but very enlightening about the nature of forgiveness and the human nature itself.