Forgiveness of abuser

[ronin570]

Anyone here forgiven their abuser? I’d like to know if it has helped you live a better, happier life. Or if you took revenge and got positive or negative from it?

 

[Regina]

Anyone here forgiven their abuser? I’d like to know if it has helped you live a better, happier life. Or if you took revenge and got positive or negative from it?

I think compassion is the best way to let it go and take care of yourself.

 

[TypicalJock]

It depends on the situation
But the best way to solve the issue is to get revenge

 

[milk]

If you want healing, you need to forgive. Trust me. Don't hold on to the grudge. Don't listen to people advocating revenge.

 

[Gustav3Y]

Can you forgive someone who messed the life you wanted to live and left you with issues for the entire life?
I mean can you still be around that person positively?

If you can do that then can you claim that you might even think you deserved all the issues you have inherited from the abuser?
The level of abuse matters I mean? Or it is all in the eyes of the abused? Someone can consider a slap and negative words a major abuse someone else says well it happened two times and I am happy it never happened again.

 

[TypicalJock]

If you want healing, you need to forgive. Trust me. Don't hold on to the grudge. Don't listen to people advocating revenge.

easier said than done ngl

 

[Peatful]

To forgive- frees you.

 

[Perry Staltic]

Seek justice, not revenge. Forgiveness frees you from the person who hurt you; revenge keeps you chained to their injustice. But always always always put distance (spatial, emotional, whatever) between yourself and unrepentant abusers.

 

[Jennifer]

Anyone here forgiven their abuser? I’d like to know if it has helped you live a better, happier life. Or if you took revenge and got positive or negative from it?

Yes, I have forgiven them and even have compassion for them and what they must have experienced in their life to end up abusive—I believe hurt people hurt. If by revenge you mean not becoming the darkness then yes, I got revenge, eventually. It took years but I finally forgave myself for believing the abuse was my fault and continuing it by telling myself I was dirty, stupid, hideous, unlovable, totally worthless etc. and making unhealthy decisions for myself based on those lies. I now try to treat myself as if I were my own daughter—with unconditional love and respect.

 

[Birdie]

The op is asking for personal experience. I would be interested in people's personal experience too.

 

[Birdie]

I hadn't seen Jennifer's obviously when I posted.

 

[Elie]

When you let someone affect your life past the transgression they are in control.
When you heal, forgive them (and yourself - for what you believed about yourself) you are in control.
You can't control the past, only the present moment

Look to understand forgiveness as perhaps a Course in Miracles approaches it. Here is a youtube resource page of one fellow who explains the course fairly well to me.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=aaron+abke+forgiveness

there are also these books Books Inspired by A Course in Miracles

 

[Birdie]

Yes, I have forgiven them and even have compassion for them and what they must have experienced in their life to end up abusive—I believe hurt people hurt. If by revenge you mean not becoming the darkness then yes, I got revenge, eventually. It took years but I finally forgave myself for believing the abuse was my fault and continuing it by telling myself I was dirty, stupid, hideous, unlovable, totally worthless etc. and making unhealthy decisions for myself based on those lies. I now try to treat myself as if I were my own daughter—with unconditional love and respect.

I'm not sure that all abusers have been hurt themselves or if some are just born with a faulty brain connection. The one I'm thinking of does not feel he was abusive at all. It is a characteristic of a psychopath to feel no remorse and it's hard to know how some people get to be psychopaths.

 

[Birdie]

When you let someone affect your life past the transgression they are in control.
When you heal, forgive them (and yourself - for what you believed about yourself) you are in control.
You can't control the past, only the present moment

Look to understand forgiveness as perhaps a Course in Miracles approaches it. Here is a youtube resource page of one fellow who explains the course fairly well to me.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=aaron+abke+forgiveness

there are also these books Books Inspired by A Course in Miracles

Well, that's a professional view. And if the op has not tried that approach it might help. But do you have experience with being abused?

 

[Birdie]

Anyone here forgiven their abuser? I’d like to know if it has helped you live a better, happier life. Or if you took revenge and got positive or negative from it?

What kind of abuse? Did it go on for many years? Was it physical and emotional? Do you feel it is your fault? It doesn't sound like you think you deserved abuse. That's always one of the first hurdles, to realize it isn't our fault. You sound good in that sense.

 

[postman]

Has your abuser even asked to be forgiven, sincerely? And not a fake apology with a bunch of circumstantial excuses etc. If not, just get them out of your life and move on. You could "forgive" them in your head if that makes it easier for you to move on but you shouldn't seek their approval or good standing, and you shouldn't empathize with how they feel in regards to you. Empathizing with people who have no empathy is what sets you up to be abused in the first place.

 

[Birdie]

.

 

[MaxVerstappen]

The best way to handle it very much depends on the situation. My dad used to beat me up when i was younger up to the age of 13. The punishment wasn't really something that was given when i did something wrong; rather, it was given to me (and not my siblings) when he was stressed. I haven't really seen him a lot after the age of 13. He got sentenced to a prison for a year.

When I was 12 i was finally strong enough to give a fight back, and I punched him in the face. It was the best feeling of my life. Revenge is sweet, but I don't think it's the best solution.

I have noticed in myself that whenever i am stressed or tired I focus on the negative aspects of life and negative memories. When I'm not, I focus on the positive aspects of life. How you interpret the world largely depend on how you feel as a biological entity. As for physical implications I think the best way forward is supporting a healthy metabolism in order to avoid passing on negative projections onto the world.

As for more psychological implications, readings of stoic philosophy can be of great help

I personally don't give a ***t about what happened to me, but it's about 10 years ago since it happened. Recovery don't really happen overnight, but there are solutions; you just need to find them.

 

[Perry Staltic]

When I was 12 i was finally strong enough to give a fight back, and I punched him in the face. It was the best feeling of my life. Revenge is sweet, but I don't think it's the best solution.

I wouldn't call that revenge. I would call it defending yourself from someone trying to harm you, and letting an abuser know you ain't gonna put up with it.

 

[MaxVerstappen]

I wouldn't call that revenge. I would call it defending yourself from someone trying to harm you, and letting an abuser know you ain't gonna put up with it.

Okay, yeah. But if it's revenge or putting up a fight, I think the outcome is the same; the feeling of being in control.

Learned helplessness is induced by noncontingent punishment, i.e. random punishment. You feel like you have no control over the situation. A fight back - if successful - makes you the the governor of your universe, it's an empowering feeling.